Joy in Chaos

Gratitude Day 11 - My girl Friday

2011-11-11T09:24:00.001-05:00

This is my last year as the mother of a preschooler. Ever. (Sob!) And it's a stolen year, at that. According to her birthday, Clara was supposed to start Kindergarten this fall, but after sending on three other children with late birthdays we finally learned our lesson and let her repeat her 4-year-old year at preschool. And for once, it wasn't a difficult decision. The Man and I both agreed she wasn't ready. And neither was I.

Clara's preschool is only four days a week so for one more year I get a little friend to hang out with on Fridays. This is a really special time for me. The days themselves are pretty mundane; we snuggle on the couch for a while then plan out our day and run errands. Sometimes we go have lunch with Ben or--brace yourself--clean the house. She's a great errand buddy and we both cherish the opportunity to spend time together "just the two of us." Which is not to say that she never slows me down or has a tantrum or gets whiny or talks and talks and talks until I suddenly declare it naptime. She does. But I've been through this before when the older kids, now teenagers, were young and I know that peace and quiet can be overrated. (Someone remind me of that bit of wisdom when I'm pulling my hair out around 7PM some night this week.)

I know that next year when I can sit on the sofa with my coffee on Fridays and watch The Today Show instead of UmiZoomi, and I can run all those errands twice-as-fast and in silence, I will miss her terribly. So for today, I am thankful for this last year of Fridays with my girl and for the wisdom to cherish it.

And, who am I kidding, for naptime too.

Princess Clara, one Friday during errands. Eating lunch at the carwash

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And I know I didn't blog yesterday. I only made it 10 days into my 30 day challenge. But that's OK. Yesterday, I was thankful for a warm house, and blankets and slippers on a beautiful cold fall day. And for grace when I need it (and I always need it.)

Gratitude Day 9 - A List

2011-11-09T22:15:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful...

For a few beautiful warm fall days, to play outside and wear my flip-flops again.

For children in my home who are still young enough to squeal with joy when the Ta rget Christmas toy catalog comes in the mail.

For a wonderful partner-in-crime at work who totally gets me. And who knows that somedays I'm a little bit grumpy when I have no reason to be, and doesn't hold it against me. (And who does all the talking for me when I'm losing my voice.)

For rhythm sticks and praise music with preschoolers, which could be the best cure for the grumpies ever.

For a best friend who calls just to tell me that she misses me.

For Wednesday night Gilmore Girls with Ally, even if it only happens once a month these days.

For clean sheet night.

And for giving myself permission to write this post in a list so I can go to bed early.

Gratutude Day 8 - The Man

2011-11-08T22:10:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure that November was the right month to take up blogging again. I feel a little as if I'm loosing my mind. I sit here every night and try to think of a positive way to spin the ways I've fallen short every day. I guess that's sort-of the point though, isn't it? Stopping at the end of day to remember how blessed I really am, even when it feels like I'm being held together with prayer and duct tape. And too much caffeine.

Today I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that when I left the house looking like it had been it by a natural disaster this morning that he didn't say a thing about it. That he never has. I'm thankful that tonight he took Ben to Taekwondo, and picked up a missing ingredient for my dinner while he was out. Then when I started cooking and I discovered the meat from the grocery store was bad, he went out again to exchange it. And when we finally ate dinner at 8:00 and ~~I whined~~ he noticed that I was dead on my feet, he cleaned the kitchen and put the kids to bed.

I know these do not seem like huge things. But, I know from the days when he is not here what a blessing they are. At the end of a day when I felt like I really didn't have it together, it was such a gift to have him here to fill in the ~~big freakin' holes~~ gaps. And maybe even more of a blessing that he pretended not to notice they were there.

Gratitude Day 7 - Counting up

2011-11-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

As Ally and I like to say, today was a Monday kind of day. So my thanks are short and sweet tonight.

I am thankful that this dear girl made it into the 100 club.

Or more specifically that there is such a thing as the 100 club, because when she finally counted to 100 last night (after a year of trying) she couldn't sleep with the excitement of showing her teacher this morning. And I'm thankful that I work at her preschool so I got to see her walking around school all day with a medal on her chest and a grin on her face.

And Chick-fil-a, tonight I am also grateful for you.. On days like this, when The Man is gone and I have more places to be than minutes to get there, the fact that my children prefer your food to my cooking actually comes in quite handy.

Day 6 - Easy like Sunday Morning?

2011-11-06T22:14:00.002-05:00

What is it about Sunday Mornings? Yesterday I made a point to wash the outfit I wanted Clara to wear for church and lay it out on her dresser to make it easier this morning. But somehow between that moment and the one where I told her to go get dressed this morning, the skirt disappeared. Presumably while she was "cleaning" her room. I tore her room apart looking for it and never found it. (I did however find my missing reading glasses and a meat thermometer. No joke.)

And actually for a Sunday morning that was a pretty minor hiccup. Last week, my clock decided to make the time change on it's own a week early and I had 20 minutes to get us all 5 of us out the door. Nearly every week someone looses something, or spills something, or I'm running out to the car with my make-up in one hand in my shoes in another. One week The Man actually left me behind. I walked out the door to join the family in the van and saw it driving down the road. The Man said it was a miscommunication.

I'm still not convinced.

And nearly every Sunday a voice in my head whispers, we could just stay home. We could keep our pajamas on, snuggle up on the couch and watch it online. But we don't. We muddle through the wretched Sunday morning round-up week after week because I love my church.

I love worshiping in the choir next to Ally, even if they do insist on putting my face on that gigantic screen. (Seriously, camera-guy? Ally is way cuter.) I love seeing all the kids I've had in choir or preschool over the years. I love my little 1-year-old Sunday School Class. I love the passion my pastor has for reaching out to people in our community. I even love getting teary every single week during his message. My church isn't perfect. It's full of flawed people with messy lives just like me. But despite of that--or maybe because of it--it feels like home.

And today that's what I'm grateful for.

Gratitude - Day 5

2011-11-05T23:07:00.001-04:00

Over the last couple ~~weeks~~ ~~months~~ years our lives have become this crazy dance of divide and conquer. You take this kid here, I'll take this one here, and if we're lucky we can meet up for dinner. Weekends as a time of rest and reconnection have pretty much gone by the wayside. And as much as I know that this is just part of this season in our life, I hate it. Hate it. So today I am exceedingly grateful for the gift of a Saturday with absolutely nothing on our calendar. I was positively giddy going to bed last night, just anticipating it.

And what did I do with my free day? Slept in late. Did a half-a-dozen loads of laundry. Took Clara to get a haircut from my sweet sister-in-law. Started a new book (passed on from said sister-in-law.) Went to dinner with the family. Played a board game. Just proving that even the simplest things really are gifts.

And the second thing I am grateful today is, ironically, this blog. As I mentioned yesterday, I have spent some time this week wandering through it's dusty achives, and goodness gracious did I ever ramble on? But in those lengthy ramblings I discovered a treasure trove of things I had completely forgotten. Funny things The Littles said and did. Videos of first steps. Pictures with anecdotes I never would have remembered. Last night, The Man and I were up til 1AM reading and watching and laughing and getting teary. It's amazing how hard it is to hold on to memories from just a few years ago.

I don't know if I'll continue blogging after this month. I'd love to--although not daily--but the privacy thing is still an issue, and I simply can't manage to figure out how to get sleep and blog at the same time. But I am thankful that at least for a couple of years I took the time to document it all. The messy, the funny and the sweet.

Especially the sweet.

Gratitude Day 4 - How far we've come...

2011-11-04T18:06:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I went to Ben's conference at school. It went well. His writing is, as we knew, still a good bit below grade level. His reading, however, is way above grade level and in every other area he is exceeding the curve. And his teacher was gushing. He's bright. Well behaved. Lots of friends. Great critical thinker. Loves to read. A leader.

And I just sat there with a big stupid grin on my face.

Just last week, as I was making the decision to reopen this blog, I read this angst filled post, written two-and-a-half years ago about a very different Ben. He was half way through his four-year-old year in preschool and I was beside myself with worry about whether he was ready to move onto kindergarten the next year. Ultimately we sent him on, and no, he wasn't ready. He had a difficult year followed by a 2nd year in kindergarten at another school (the best decision we ever made for him.)

And now, in 1st grade, nearly all of the concerns that consumed me then have been resolved. He's still a picky eater and packing lunches is still a challenge, but the feeding progress we have made has been phenomenal. And the other things I wrote about in the post, I had honestly forgotten were even an issue. That astounds me. I cried tears, lots of them, over my sweet boy and his development and until I read that post I hardly even remembered it.

So thank you Lord, for a great conference. And for the reminder this week of where we once were, and how many prayers have already been answered. As I look at the obstacles my family is facing right now, I can't think of a better encouragement..

And secondly, I am thankful that when The Littles and I were at the mall today (On November 4th!) AND SANTA WAS THERE, I managed to refrain from asking him if he could at least wait until my pumpkin rotted before he showed his snowy-white face. Even if I did think it.

That's progress, folks.

Gratitude Day 3 - Waiting Room Therapy

2011-11-03T23:22:00.001-04:00

"Hurry up, we're late again!" I said to Clara as we pulled in to the sports facility. She scrambled out of the car in her leotard and Ben trailed behind her, wearing his Taekwondo gi and carrying his reading homework. We dashed into the building just in time for her to join the line of other 4 and 5 year old girls entering the gym. I plopped down on a bench beside my friend, and exclaimed, "I actually made it before class started today. Yay, me!" She laughed and we settled into our catching up routine: Whose kids are sick? Whose week has been the busiest? How did that thing turn out? When are you leaving on your trip?

We talk about the little things (I tried a new recipe. I read a new book. I failed at my diet. Again.) and the not so little things (Clara falling behind in school. Guilt over not doing enough about it.) while occasionally nudging each other to watch something our daughters are doing in class. And then before I know it the hour's over, and we're both dashing off to the next thing, tossing, "See you next week!", over our shoulders as out daughters embrace goodbye. And I feel lighter. Encouraged. Grateful.

And I am blessed to say I have a similar experience each week in another waiting room, on another night, with another dear friend. So tonight I am very thankful for these times each week. For these women who make me laugh and forget entirely to watch my girl do her activities.

The other day The Man said to me, "I thought Clara was supposed to have to choose between ballet or gymnastics. Why is she still taking both?"

"I know," I said, "but she just loves both of those classes."

And I do too.

Day 2 - Motherhood

2011-11-02T20:52:00.003-04:00

I have four kids. I like to tell people that to see their reaction. Some people think I'm crazy. Some people think I must be a supermom. Which, if you know me, is pretty funny. I am not a super mom. I am more like the opposite of a supermom. I forget important things. I lose my temper. I rarely have company because my house is always a mess. If I actually get everyone to school, on time, dressed appropriately, with everything they need, and without yelling, I feel as if I deserve a medal. (Or at least a salted caramel mocha. Seriously.)

So I have absolutely no idea why God blessed me with my heart's desire to have four children. I have friends, really, amazing mothers--mothers who have probably never sent their kids to school with peanut butter on a hotdog bun-- who have lost a child, or struggled for years with infertility. Because of them, I never want to take for granted the gift I have been given in the opportunity to mother, however imperfectly, these 4 unique people.

So, for day 2, I am thankful for my kids. Some days those four people were the whole reason I got out of bed in the morning. And some days they were the reason I didn't want to. But today? Today was just a good day to be a mama. Ally made All-State chorus, and I was reminded again how watching your child succeed is even sweeter than doing so yourself. The Littles, for the most part, were funny and sweet and even seemed to like each other. So thank you Lord today, for giving this not-so-supermom, some pretty super kids.

Thirty days of Gratitude, and so it begins. Again.

2011-11-01T22:34:00.004-04:00

I haven't been here in a long time: this place I once called my own. I've missed it, pouring my heart out to the ~~masses~~ dozen. But I wasn't able to find a balance between what I wanted to share and a need to respect the privacy and safety of my children, especially as 3 of them are now old enough to read these words.

For now, I'm back. Permanently? Probably not, but at least for 30 days.

The holidays are coming. Ben said to me today, "Mom, it's only one month until December, the month you are grumpy all the time." He laughed but I cringed. It's a joke in our family how much I dislike Christmas. They like to bring me the Christmas ads that show up in September and watch me grimace and make hissing noises. But it's kind of sad, that I can't find anything positive about a season that supposed to be about love, and joy and hope. Especially when I am so abundantly blessed.

Last Christmas was awful. So many things were going catastrophically wrong in my life the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate. I made it through the holidays in survival mode. But survival mode is not the legacy I want to leave my children. And as much as I enjoy them, snarky comments about the holidays aren't either. The truth is I have more to be thankful for than I will ever deserve, so I am going to take the next 30 days to focus on that. I've done this before, in my blogging days, and focusing on my blessings was good therapy. And I am also going to try very hard ~~not to complain~~ to complain less about Christmas. Although I cannot be responsible for my actions during any Kay Jewelers commercials. I have my limits after all.

Today I am thankful for the unexpected cup of coffee delivered by a friend that gave me the energy to stay up and write this post. For the warm bed I am about to climb into. And for the absolute certainty that my sweet husband will come in shortly to kiss me goodnight.

Our Week in Pictures

2009-03-08T19:03:00.016-04:00

Last Sunday we played in the snow...A monumental occasion here in Georgia.

Clara and I built a snow baby.

She loved it.

Monday the snow turned to ice so we were out of school. We had cabin fever so Beck inspired us to have a beach party.

It was awesome.
Wednesday I scored a dozen of these amazing roses for $3.99. It's true!

Friday, my oldest child turned seventeen. Which was fun, and sad, and bizarre. I managed to nab this one, solitary, shot before he dashed out to celebrate with his friends. His friends were there when I took this. The weird pose is for their benefit. We can't be taking our sentimental mothers too seriously now.

Saturday, Ben had his first soccer game. He loved it.He's number four. Like his age, he says.

And then Saturday night, although there are no pictures The Man took Brandon to the Atlanta Hawks game while the Weekids went to a birthday party and Allie and I went on a date. We saw The Shopaholic movie. Which was formulaic and silly but she loved it and it inspired quite a long discussion about proper spending habits and credit card debt.

Overall it was a great week. And looking back at it like this it's easy to see, my life is pretty darn amazing.

An interview with my two middle children...

2009-03-03T19:14:00.006-05:00

What Allie (Age 12)and Ben (Age 4) think of their mom...

1. What is something mom always says to you?
Allie - "How was your day?"
Ben - "You watched enough TV"

2. What makes mom happy?
A - "Pink"
B - "Love, like kisses and hugs.

3. What makes mom sad?
A - "Whining Kids"
B - "When I do bad stuff"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
A - "When she sticks her tongue out at me."
B - "She says funny things like, I'm going to give you lots of kisses!"

5. What was your mom like as a child?
A- "Nice"
B -"She liked books." (Very true, Ben)

6. How old is your mom?
A - 34
B - 13
(I'm 33)

7. How tall is your mom?
A - 5'9"
B - 50 degrees
(I'm 5'6")

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
A - "Sing Songs"
B - "Sit on the computer"

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
A - "Play on the computer" Are we sensing a theme here?
B - "She plays with Clara"

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
A - "Singing"
B - "What's famous?"

11. What is your mom really good at?
A - "Singing and Drawing and Writing"
B - "Watching Clara"

12. What is your mom not very good at?
A - "Sports"
B - "Doing Exercise"
(Both very true!)

13. What does your mom do for her job?
A - "Teach"
B - "Grocery Shopping"

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
A - "Chocolate" (Yes!)
B - "Macaroni" (Um, no.)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
A - "That she's nice."
B - "When she listens to my questions"

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
A - "Um, A mix of different characters like Winnie the Pooh & Eeyore
B - "What?? I don't know what you're talking about."

17. What do you and your mom do together?
A - "Shop"
B - "Play Games"

18. How are you and your mom the same?
A - "We both like shopping."
B - "You have a red shirt and I have a red shirt"

19. How are you and your mom different?
A - I have blonde hair and my mom doesn't. (For the record I DO have blonde hair. I pay good money to get it that way.)
B - "You have brown eyes and I have blue eyes"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
A - "Because she tells me."
B - "She gives me a lot of love and kisses."

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
A - "Ann Taylor Loft and the park"
B - Publix (As in, the grocery store. This answer is incorrect.)

Worry

2009-02-19T18:17:00.003-05:00

The thing about having a passel of kids is that at any given point I will be bogged down with worry about at least one of them. I guess it's possible that even if I had only one child, I would still fret constantly and by having four I simply have managed to spread my neuroses about. Ah well, at the least now they can qualify for group therapy. I hear it's cheaper.

For the last couple weeks the primary object of my worry has been Ben. Oh, not just Ben, of course. His two older siblings, just by nature of their ages regularly provide fodder for my angst. But Ben is the one who has been keeping me up at night. Some of his old nemeses that have refused for years to go quietly into the night have once again taken a front row seat in our lives. Any eating progress he may have made in the last two years seems to have virtually disappeared in the last six months. He has grown weary of the handful of table foods he would accept and his diet has returned to primarily crackers, applesauce and babyfood. Yes, babyfood. Just when we thought we were nearly free of the stuff, it's made it's way back onto the grocery list.

And I loathe it. The quiet embarrassment of defeat just at piling it into my cart, as if some acquaintance may happen by, forcing me to confess that the food is not for a baby at all, but for my almost 5-year-old. The glass jars lined up in rows on my kitchen counter. Dumping the sludge into the same tiny plastic bowls long ago stained orange like Ben himself was for years. Even his triumphant cries of "I ate it all, mom!" ring of failure. The failure of years of therapy and pleading, bribing and punishing that has somehow only managed to bring us right back to where we started.

And then there are other things. Smaller, probably even insignificant, things that seem large in the light of that one glaring failure. A sudden onslaught of bathroom related accidents- underwear and clothing found hidden or stuffed in the hamper. Handwriting that seems noticeably behind that of his classmates. Tears, still, every time we wash his hair. These things collectively giving me a nagging feeling that somehow we haven't done right by our sensitive, kindhearted boy.

Lately, he has taken to singing a new favorite song, "Kindergarten, my hearts on fire for Kindergarten" to the tune of Elvira. An adorably funny and happy song they are working for his preschool graduation. It cracks me up every time. But at the same time it makes my heart catch in my throat. Kindergarten. Next year, he is going to kindergarten. And I wonder if he is ready. I waver on this decision daily. Will he thrive outside of the comfort and familiarity of his tiny preschool? Will it help him to take the necessary steps forward or will it only make him more conscious of his differences? Will he become frustrated? Will he feel less?

Logically I know that this is just what we do. It's part of our wiring as mothers to worry about our children. I know that I was concerned about this step for the older two as well. I know that it is normal for us to wonder how how well we have done our part to prepare them, to fear that that it hasn't been enough, to wish for their success. Logically I know that to want to lock their hearts in a box to keep them from ever being stepped on is normal, but unhealthy and ultimately imposible.

Logically, I know that just because he doesn't eat doesn't mean he won't be just fine in school. That one thing doesn't in any way predicate the other.

I know these things. I say these things. My mind even believes them to be true. But, this mama's heart, it's just not convinced.

A Conversation with Ben

2009-02-18T14:30:00.013-05:00

Ben has been on my mind a lot lately. I have a post started about that, which I hope to get up sometime this week. (Why is it such a struggle for me to actually finish a post anymore?) The other day I photographed Ben during one of our conversations. For once he didn't ham it up for the camera and I was able to just snap pictures while we talked. I don't remember what we were talking about exactly but I know he was trying to convince me of something. You can tell by the final shots that that he was disappointed with the outcome. I love how the pictures came out though, how his expressions changed just in the 2 minutes we were talking.

I can't help but wonder if any of these expressions will stick with him. If I look back at these pictures when he is an adult, will I recognize at all the man he has become in this little boy trying to get his way? Pouting aside, I kind of hope so. I'm pretty attached to him.

My Funny Valentine...

2009-02-10T23:18:00.006-05:00

Baby Clara, two years ago on St. Valentine's Day. Also a view of the now defunct wallpaper.

Both long gone. But one, I miss.

(Hint: It's not the wallpaper.)

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day*

2009-02-09T19:30:00.005-05:00

Today I left the house early to go to a 5th orthodontist evaluation for Allie, because my sister-in-law said this doctor was significantly cheaper for them. Their estimate was $500 higher than any of the previous four. Apparently, my daughter has expensively crooked teeth.

And then when I checked her into school and raced home to meet the cleaners that were supposedly arranged by the contractors to clean up their mess...they were a no show.

So I checked my email and found out my other sister-in-law** was no longer available to babysit for our all-expenses-paid trip to Clearwater, Florida for my husband's job. Meaning we may not be able to go. All expenses paid or not.

I turned down a visit to the park because I had to take Brandon to a dermatologist appointment.

Brandon forgot his dermatologist appointment and got on the bus, so when The Littles and I showed up to pick him up, he was on his way home.

When I got home and called the dermatologist they said they would be sending us a bill for $50 as a no show fee.

I stopped to pick up a can of diced tomatoes on the way home to throw something together for dinner. I noticed the store brand was on sale so I bought several. When I got home, I realized I had bought all stewed tomatoes instead.

I burned my hand on hot oil cooking dinner.

When I went to give the kids a bath I found poop on the bathroom wall. When I asked Ben why there was poop on the wall, he said "Because I had it on my hand..."

When the kids were taking a bath I checked Clara's folder and found out the box I was sending in for her Valentines in the morning was actually supposed to be decorated. By her. It was 8:45 PM.

I didn't finish a single load of laundry.

I didn't meal plan or grocery shop.

My home is still a disaster.

It felt like a thoroughly wasted day.

Some days are like that...

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Some days are like that, it's true. Today was a bad day. It was easy to say that, and I did. Repeatedly. I whined to anyone who would listen to me talk. I was an absolute grump.

But my day, it wasn't really so bad. Not one significant thing went wrong. And, as I sat with Ben and Clara, up past their bedtime and happily gluing paper hearts onto a shoebox, I knew that to be true. It was simply a day of aggravations like so many others. I made it so much worse by choosing to make my happiness, and convenience the only priority. I wallowed in self-pity about a possibly canceled trip. I yelled at my son about his missed appointment, and my other son about the poop on the wall (I kind of forgive myself for that one.) I pouted. I snapped. I cried.

And I failed to honor God in a single thing I did. In fact, I left Him out of my day completely. Because there was no room for Him beside my self-pity. And dagummit...I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I deserved to feel sorry for myself. All day long things didn't go my way. All day long, people failed to consider me. It's a common problem of the human condition: righteous indignation. We cling to that word "righteous" as use it as an excuse to lash out at the people who have wronged us. Or in my case, at the universe that was obviously conspiring against me.

But the problem was, that as a child of God, by not rising above my tiny, temporal, annoyances to show kindness and love to those around me I failed to show that I believe these things to be small and temporal. I failed to show that I believe in anything greater than myself. And for that, I am ashamed. I recently did a Bible Study on finding joy regardless of our circumstances, and the key concept I took away from it was that we must keep our focus upward - on God, and outward - on others. That if we live each day focusing inward, we will always ride the emotional roller coaster of our feelings and never find the peace that comes with an eternal perspective.

Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.
Glory in his holy name;
Let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.
Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always. ~1 Chronicles 16:9-11.

True, consistent joy can only come from keeping our eyes focused upwards. Something I obviously need some work on.

Tomorrow will be better. I believe it. For even if it's not, I will be. And for everyone who had to listen to me whine today, I'm sorry.

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*My apologies to Alexander and his creator, Judith Viorst, for my shameless, and pathetic, rip off of her work. We love that book at our house, and it was the term "Some days are like that, even in Australia" that kept popping in my head as I went through my day today.

*My sister-in-law cancelled babysitting for a very good reason. I love her dearly and hold no animosity towards her for cancelling and am in fact, honored that she had agreed to stay with the fearsome foursome at all. We have very few people in our lives willing to take on that challenge. Hmmm, don't think today's post helped that situation much.

Friday Fave 5 (Updated)

2009-02-06T17:30:00.007-05:00

Well today is supposed to be my Friday Fave 5, but due to writing time constraints it may turn out to be the Friday Fave 1 or 2 followed by the Saturday Fave 4 or 5. I have lots to be grateful for this week and so I am determined to share, Friday or not.

1.My first item this week is one I am terribly excited about. My kitchen has finally been painted and I am in love with the color. Please excuse the excess of drywall dust permeating the air and every. single. surface. That will be addressed tomorrow.
This picture I took using the flash but the color didn't seem to be showing exactly right. It looked washed out. So, I tried another one, without the flash.Dark and blurry aside, I think it much better represents the color.

And here is one that shows a little better the contrast between the upper and lower wall but is still washed out by the flash. Please ignore the ugly cabinets with their peeling fake brass hardware. That's next on our list and based on our history it should be done in, oh, another 5 years.As you can see we cleared the counters of everything besides the necessities: Coffeemaker, toaster, sugar bowl and a bowl of Valentines M&Ms.

Well I must leave now to go pick up Allie from her voice lessons and take her to her cousin's 14th birthday party which, she just sprung on me, is co-ed. CO-ED.

I'll leave you marinating in that thought while I go throw up. Tune in tomorrow for updates on the co-ed party and for the rest of the Friday Fave 5.

UPDATE: We received a phone call while we were out tonight from my brother-in-law letting us know that we were misinformed and there was "no way in heck" that the party would include boys. There was apparently some confusion. Sorry guys. And, well...whew!

Worth checking out...

2009-01-31T08:25:00.004-05:00

Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary is collecting comments. For each comment they receive on this post they will donate a dollar to a family whose daughter, Tuesday, has terminal cancer. I love the idea of this. I love that each dollar that they give them will represent thought or prayer for their family. So go there, read Tuesday's heartbreaking story, say a prayer for the family and leave a comment.

EDITED-Comments for this are now closed as the family as given as much as they were able.

Also, This letter from the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara to Sasha and Milia Obama on growing up in the White House is lovely and gracious and poignant. Thanks Lori for bringing it to my attention.

Fridays Fave 5

2009-01-29T23:00:00.011-05:00

So I know yesterday's post was ~~a bit melancholy~~ the most depressing blog post ever. It took me a few days to write it, and I decided, spontaneously, to hit post while hanging out at a coffee shop waiting for Allie to finish her voice lesson. I would never have done so if my blog wasn't private now, out of respect for the other families involved. For the record, Brandon was not involved in that situation at all, and I didn't mean to imply that or even that he is headed in that direction. It's just that it suddenly feels like a only a few small steps from here to there. And that's scary. And because of that my heart is just breaking for the families that are involved.

Sigh. Inhale. Exhale. OK, moving on...

I have decided to resurrect the Friday's Fave Five. Because I am trying to regain some kind of blogging structure and what better way than a weekly commitment. And even better, a weekly commitment dedicated to positivity. I can hear the collective sigh of relief. So here goes, The Five Favorite Things -that come to mind right now- From My Week.

Brandon's basketball game. The game was not unusual, Brandon has basketball games every week, but this game he played particularly hard and well. It was a joy to watch him. The ride home was a happy one and we chatted easily about his game and his day at school. As much as I try these moments of comfortable conversation can't be created, making them feel all the more precious when they sneak up on me.
Shrinking. I am on a diet. If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter (or, bless your heart, both) you already know this, because you have been subjected to near daily laments about the foods I must - or must not - eat. So obviously the diet in itself is not the Friday Fave entry. The diet stinks. But I had my final January weigh in today and I am down 11 pounds since the first of the year. Excited? Why, yes I am. Shallow? Yep, that too.
A new coat. Since we've established the shallow thing, let's run with it shall we? I got a new coat at Target yesterday and I totally love it. Here's a picture of it in green. I actually got it in Rose (which doesn't show up half as cute on the site as in person) but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I almost got both colors. I refrained though, deciding that one trench coat I really didn't need was enough. My will power is quite extraordinary.
My sister-in-law. I actually have SIX sisters-in-law. They are all completely different but I can honestly say that each one of them is a blessing to me. Last weekend my youngest brother's wife drove in from out of town just to spend all day helping me strip wall paper off of my kitchen walls. Anyone who has ever participated in the awful task of removing wallpaper knows that voluntarily driving two hours with young children to do this at someone elses house should receive a medal. She's a saint, that girl. Incidentally, I have wanted the wallpaper removed for the entire five years I have lived at this house. The best picture I could find was one of poor Ben from his first birthday party. You can see the ivy paper behind him. We are picking paint colors this weekend and hopefully I will have pictures of our progress in the next couple weeks. Minus the adorably pouty birthday baby, of course.
Clara. Between her typical tyrannical rants she's actually been quite the snuggle-bug this week: Spending time just sitting with me on the couch. Sitting in my lap to listen to stories. Last night after The Man finished the PJ/teeth brushing bed time routine she ran back into the living room to give me a hug, then ran half way back to her room and stopped and spun around. "Hava kiss?" she asked. I laughed and nodded and she ran back to me, put one of her pudgy little hands on each side of my face and smacked a kiss right on my lips. "Tank you, Mama!" she grinned. Then happily ran back down to hall to bed. How blessed am I?

For more Fridays Fave visit Susanne at Living to Tell the Story.

Playdate

2009-01-15T00:06:00.007-05:00

Today when I picked up Ben from preschool another blonde boy climbed into the van behind him. My Four-year-old was having his first after school playdate. He has become friends with the son of another teacher at our preschool and has been repeatedly asking if this boy, Silas, could come over to play with his new Christmas toys. In particular, he was adamant about how he wanted Silas to play light sabers with him. Ben had received two light sabers from my mother for Christmas and Clara, despite Ben's best persuasive efforts, has been reluctant to be his sparring partner. In fact she tends to run from the room yelling "Be caweful! Ben, Be caweful!" whenever the topic is mentioned. I can't say that I blame her. I think it's probably a good policy to run away anytime someone starts chasing you with a stick. Light up or otherwise.

Ben's friend is a precocious, friendly boy whom, I think it bares mentioning, Clara is passionately in love with. In fact, every time we enter the school she runs to embrace him screeching "Silaaasss" at the top of her lungs. To his credit, he always stops what he's doing to give her a hug, thus putting me solidly in the Silas fan club as well. So obviously, Silas coming to our home was an event of rockstar proportions. And today, was the day.

Ben and Silas tore out of the car and into the house while I trailed behind them carrying bookbags and papers from school. Clara was eating lunch when they arrived, giving them a temporary reprieve from her overwhelming affection. I dropped my load inside the door and stopped to observe them, curious to see if things would go smoothly. Ben began to lead Silas through our home, room by room showing him around. All the while keeping up a running commentary in a voice that was comically serious:

"This is my house and look this is my light saber and my other light saber that changes colors that's the one you get to use when we FIGHT, and that's just my dog, Beamer, and she likes everyone, and this is my car thing and come in here...I have to show you this is my room and it's SO CLEAN (which was absolutely not true) and look these are the knights and castles I got for Christmas and my Whack a Mole game but that's really loud so my mom doesn't like it..."

And watching my son and his friend, these two four-year-old boys wandering through the house in pint-sized mimicry of grown-up civilities made my heart catch in my throat. I looked across the room at The Man, eating lunch with Clara, and saw the same emotion reflected in his eyes as he watched them. Amusement. Adoration. Wonder. It was like we could see his school years unfolding in front of us.

And then they started to play. And it quickly became apparent that they were, in fact, only four.

The ideas that Ben had carefully nursed of what he and Silas would do were shattered almost immediately. Silas had his own opinions. He wanted to play knights; Ben wanted to play light sabers. He wanted to check out all Ben's toys. Ben wanted to play hide-and-seek. And Clara, bless her heart, just wanted to be included. So I settled into my new job teaching the skills of friendship. Of how to be a good host. Of give and take. There was much whining and a few tears from Ben and to be honest, I think they argued more than they played.

And then Silas' mother came and they both started crying because they didn't want him to leave. So, they made plans to repeat the experience again next week at his house. Finally after many hurried promises of the adventures they would have together next time, Silas was gone. Ben, still weepy, crawled up into my lap. And for quite a while I sat there, rocking him slowly back and forth, wondering at the boy in my lap who seemed at once too big and too small.

Going Under Cover - Update

2009-01-09T14:21:00.006-05:00

Welcome friends. The deed is done; Joy in Chaos is now a member's only club. And you are all members. Lucky, lucky me! *

I must say, you guys really know how to make a girl feel loved. I am overwhelmed by the response to my last post. It may have been the most comments I have ever received, and largely from people letting me know they wanted to continue to follow my ramblings. I was moved to tears. (I know you must all be thinking by now that everything moves me to tears - It's not far from the truth. I am nothing if not emotional.)

I have received many requests for details on what exactly happened, which I just can't get into. I appreciate your concern and I hope that you will forgive me for continuing to be annoyingly vague. I will say that this situation is particular to me and a despicable person from my past, and is likely not something you would ever have to worry about at your own place.

It's also possible, even likely, that eventually I will exchange this locked door for a secret identity. I am toying with the idea of creating a new completely anonymous - if that's even possible - blog. Right now, however, the idea of starting over is too sad and overwhelming so here I'll stay. Locked doors and all, it's a comfortable home and I love it. Even more so, because all of you come to call.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Please remember that because this is a private blog my posts will no longer show up in your feed readers. I know that's inconvenient and if I could fix it, I would.

The end of an era...

2009-01-06T16:54:00.004-05:00

I really love my blog. When I started it a year and a half ago, I wasn't sure what would come of it. I knew I wanted to create a record of my life as a mom, but I was hoping it would be more than that. And it has been. It has been a release, an outlet, that is completely mine. A place to reflect on my blessings and confess my inadequacies. I found my niche, albeit tiny, in this huge place we call the blogosphere. I made friends. Presumptuous as it may seem to call them that.

I wasn't quite as good at blogging as I thought I would be. The words didn't come as easily as I hoped, and often times my life seemed too dull and trite to inspire them. My writing has been sporadic and I never really found a consistent tone. Sometimes I was silly or sarcastic, sometimes serious and introspective. Sometimes just plain sad. But this place has reflected me honestly, if not completely. And I love it.

But I made some mistakes. I used my real name (occasionally even my real last name), I used my kids real names. I gave out too much personal information. And lately that has come back to bite me. People are reading my thoughts, who shouldn't be. They're learning intimate details of my kids lives, because I invited them in, with no thought for privacy or restrictions. It was dumb and careless of me. And honestly, it was selfish. I wanted an audience. And I couldn't invite the world in and keep out one.

So, due to some unexpected and disturbing revelations I have to make this blog private. I don't want to do it. It honestly brought me to tears. I love having an open door. I love it when someone stops in for the first time and says "You made me laugh" or "I get just what you are saying." But some things are just more important.

I will keep the blog public for one more week. If I know you in my real life I will automatically send you an invite to read it when it goes private. If you are one of my blogging friends who wants to attempt to navigate passwords (and the fact that your reader will no longer show my updates...sob!) send me an email and I will include you as well.

It was fun while it lasted.

The longest year-end Meme ever...

2008-12-29T23:01:00.009-05:00

Year in Review Meme...

I did this last year and enjoyed going back and reading the answers so much that I decided to do it again.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

My initial reaction to this question was that I hadn't done anything new this year and I may have to rename this meme "End of the year reflections of the worlds most boring mom." But then I hit the blog archives and realized that I did have some firsts, that while not life shattering, were meaningful or memorable in their own way.

I took one of my children to be evaluated by a neurologist. Against my better judgment.
I watched my last child learn to walk. At twenty-one months. It was such a relief yet still managed to leave me wistful.
I took my first ever trip to the emergency room. Yep, it's true. I had been there for my kids, but never for myself. Hurray for 2008.
I joined three new social networking sites. MySpace (which I have since abandoned) Facebook and Twitter. I am thinking of ditching one of these as well simply due to lack of time.
I raised birds in my garage! (Alright, technically I just watched their mother raise them, but it was still in my garage and quite amazing.)
I bought my first item on Craigslist. (I'm hooked now.)
I watched one of my children drive a car.
I sang at a funeral.
I went strawberry picking.
I started a job working in my kids' preschool. While I have years experience teaching preschoolers at my church, working in an actual we ekday preschool was much more different than I anticipated.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I love to make resolutions! However, due to many years of failure in this department, last year I decided to keep it simple. Forgoing my typical "Lose Weight" and "Be more diligent with my quiet times" I just vowed to be a little more presentable when I left the house. Wear makeup. Try to put myself together a bit. And overall I would say I was successful, with the exception of carpool which I still pretty much do in my pajama pants and slippers. And there was that one incident a couple weeks ago where I actually wore my PJs into Walgreens, but hey, I was sick.

This year, I am going for more simple New Years Resolutions.

Blog more.
Facebook/Twitter less. (Maybe not at all, not sure)
Keep my entryway/living room a little more picked up.
Remove the awful wallpaper that has been on my kitchen walls since we moved in 5 years ago.
Better follow through on praying for friends.
Be at least one size smaller by this time next year. Just one size. Surely, I can do that.
Master this darn laptop mouse.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Several people I know at church, and acquaintances but no close friends or family members.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

The Man's grandmother, Hazel, left us this year. It was hard to say goodbye but she was ready to be with her heavenly Father. We rejoice that she is finally now free of pain.

We also lost our old cat, Tigger, after losing his brother the year before.

5. Where did you travel?

We don't travel much and this year was no exception. The furthest we made it from home was our anniversary weekend in Asheville. In fact, other than that the only time we left the state was this week when we rang in the new year with my brother and his family in Greenville, SC.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A clean house. Not sure I actually managed to have the entire thing clean one time in 2008.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

It's hard to know which memories will last. So much doesn't that you think will.

This week I walked into my sister-in-law's house and was met by my 2-year-old nephew. He looked me in the face and said "Hi!" It s the first time he's ever spoken to me. He and his twin brother are autistic and we have been praying like crazy for them to speak for well over a year. They still have a long way to go but their progress this year has been amazing. I don't think I will ever forget that moment. It felt kind of like I met him for the first time.

Putting Tigger to sleep. He was part of my family before even my husband or children.

We also got a new cat, Kelso, this year which we will no doubt remember, as he will be annoying us for many years to come.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I took over the director position of my 3-year-old choir. I do not have a leader personality and it was extremely nerve wracking for the first couple weeks to be in charge, but now I absolutely love it. Also, in the last couple years I have worked very hard at becoming a better cook.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Honestly, not getting control over my eating/weight.

10. What was the best thing you bought?

Well, right now I am tempted to say this laptop.

11. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Probably this one, because Allie was obsessed with it, which means we heard it 679 times this year.

12. What do you wish you’d done more of?

More playing with my kids/taking them to do things. More exercising. More cleaning and therefor more entertaining. More praying.

13. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Facebooking. Chauffeuring. Eating. Yelling.

14. What was your favorite TV program?

Most of my series disappointed me this year so Probably, So You Think You Can Dance. I also really loved watching previous seasons of 30 Rock and Battlestar Galactica on DVD. And Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog online.

15. What was your favorite movie?

Ummm, can I use Dr Horrible for this category too? No? OK, probably Juno.

16. What was the best book you read?

I read a lot of mediocre books this year and very few memorable ones. I would say my favorites were probably The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. I also really enjoyed The Host by Stephanie Meyer for a light and fluffy diversion. Although I may be the only person who preferred this book to her crazy popular Twilight series.

17. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?

A maid.

A maid, especially a live-in one, would have made my year measurably more satisfying.

18. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Personal Fashion Concept? Bwahahaha I guess it would be "I wonder if I can still fit into this?"

19. What kept you sane?

Prayer. Coffee. Friday nights with my girlfriends. Coffee. My husband. Wednesday morning Bible Study. And Coffee.

20. Who did you miss?

My brother and his family moved to Greenville and while we still see them fairly often, I really miss having regular playdates with my nieces.

21. Who was the best new person you met?

When I started teaching choir I was assigned several helpers who are all wonderful. But I have been particularly blessed by the friendship that formed with one of them. Each week I feel like she encourages and blesses me and it has been an honor to get to know her.

22. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2007

I am incredibly blessed. This is something I have given lip service to for years. I have a great marriage and four healthy kids. I live in the United States, for goodness sakes; of course I am blessed. But over the course of this year I made a conscious decision to try to grumble less and notice the beauty in my life more. I'd be lying if I said I was overwhelmingly successful. I still grumble a good bit. But I can honestly say that more than ever before I stop and notice the beauty contained in everyday moments. And I must say blogging has helped this more than any other tool.

23. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
~Casting Crowns

And that concludes the worlds longest meme. God Bless you if you made it to the end. It took me nearly all day to complete so I won't tag anyone but if you are one of the three people left in the blogosphere that hasn't done a 2008 Reflections post feel free to tag yourself for all or part of it. I'd love to read it and I think next year, you will be glad you did.

The most wonderful time of the year...

2008-12-27T16:19:00.005-05:00

Relatively speaking, four children is not a lot. It is however, just enough past the status quo to make revealing our family size feel a bit like a badge of honor. It is typically met with some type of exclamation and a look that runs the gamut between admiring and incredulous. It's the same look I give people when they tell me they are training for a marathon. Two parts awe, one part "Are you insane?"

Having four children was a calculated decision. Well the second two were calculated, the first two came before we calculated anything. But at some point we did decide that four was the right number of children for our family. We realized with just the older two we would be empty nesters at forty and we like even numbers. Six people at the kitchen table. Busy schedules. Loud family outings and game nights. And eventually, we hoped, a slew of grandchildren. But, as is usually the case, the idea was much easier than the reality.

Four children is hard. It has not come easily for me. I have a friend who does it with ease and grace, who gives real meaning to the phrase "joy in chaos" but the reality in our house is that I am more often short tempered and overwhelmed than joyful. Which is not to say that I am not madly in love with all of my children. Individually they each own a piece of my heart that seems far bigger than the whole. But the collective responsibilities of giving them the time and structure they need pretty much kicks my butt.

And Christmas? Preparations for Christmas for a family of six definitely falls in the kick my butt category. Times ten. And a part of me believes that we have taken something beautiful and life changing and perverted it into a season of stress and excess in our need to create some kind of magic in our lives. We do our best to share with our children the miracle of the first Christmas. Of Christ incarnate in a tiny child. Of the first step in a plan that gave us direct access to the King of Kings.

But, if I am being honest, another part of me has bought wholeheartedly into the dream of modern Christmastime magic. Like everyone I know, I love Christmas morning. I purchase too much despite resolutions to keep it simple, and sleep fitfully the night before. Because, oh, if it isn't a heckuvalot of fun to have four kids on Christmas morning. Suddenly, for a little while, the dream I had for a large *happy* chaotic family is a reality. The laughter, the mess, the noise is all multiplied and our home becomes a three-ring-circus defying my ability to take it all in at once. Picture taking takes a backseat to exclaiming with the older kids and assisting the younger ones. And then, once the opening and celebrating with extended family is over we settle into the week that follows.

The week that I refer to as "the most wonderful time of the year." Schedules are clear and - most importantly, I think - The Man is home. Bickering seems less in the light of new toys to share. And I get to be, temporarily, the mom I thought I would be. Saying yes, more often than no. Staying in PJs til noon or later. Playing with my kids in lui of cleaning house or running errands. Family outings are planned. Boardgames are dusted off. And blogging commences while snuggled on the sofa with my sweetie because of my brand new laptop.

(OK, that's just this year, because did I mention I got a new laptop? I am beside myself with hi-tech glee!)

I know that in a week things will be back to normal. And I pray, as I always pray, that I will find more balance, more patience, more organization. But for now, I am thankful I have this reprieve. This time called Christmas.

And now, I must go. The Man has laid down a game of Blokus and a challenge and I need to go kick some board game butt.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T00:59:00.003-05:00

It's 1AM on Christmas morning. We are home from Christmas Eve at my mother's and The Man and I just finished wrapping the last of the presents and putting them under the tree. The stockings are stuffed. The dollhouse is arranged for Clara to discover in the morning. The video camera is charging in the kitchen. My children are all sleeping and dreaming of Santa and reindeer. Or cellphones and ipods.

I am excited, but absolutely exhausted. Whether it should be or not, Christmas is hard work.

But before I go to bed, I wanted to stop best wishes to all of you who come here. To wish you well and let you know you are a blessing to me. Because that,

and this...

really is what it's all about.

Merry Christmas.

Dear Santa,

2008-12-21T21:21:00.004-05:00

This week's Monday Mission at Maypole's place is to write a post in the form of a letter to Santa. I feel duty bound to participate because it was my suggestion and she obliged me. I had an idea I thought might be cute or clever, or at the very least participatory, but I haven't been up to much in the way of writing this weekend. And I'm definitely not feeling funny or clever.

Because I am still freakin sick. I had one stupid tease of a day on Friday where I thought I was recovering, but now, once again, I resemble the woman in the NyQuil commercial. Except that no amount of green liquid leaves me sleeping peacefully at night. I won't go on about my ailments. Everyone I know is battling illness right now. Mine is nothing remarkable. Not even close. And Clara continues to improve, for which I am very grateful. She was one sick little girl.

But Ben is now coughing and feverish and I am just over all of it. A week of me, and my kids, flat on my back is quite enough, thank you.

(It's true, one lousy week and I am toast - Kyla, honey, I don't know how you do it.)

So with no further ado,

Dear Santa,

When you stop by our house on Christmas Eve you don't have a to leave us a single thing. However if you'd be so kind as to take every bit of sickness out of our home and leave us all bright and bushy tailed for the rest of the Christmas break that would be awesome. That's all I want.

However, if you insist on leaving a gift, I wouldn't mind a personal chef. And maybe peace on earth, while you're handing out miracles.

We left you cookies, but I wouldn't eat them if I were you. Awful lot of coughing and sniffling went on during the baking process. So sorry.

Yours truly ,
Chaotic Joy

This week in a nutshell...

2008-12-17T22:41:00.004-05:00

Yep, Clara's sick. Heartbreakingly so. And I'm not doing so hot in the health department myself. And those six parties? We have already missed three.

But I did get these "I know you're sick and Clara's sick and neither of you have slept and you have a million Christmas obligations and I am working 546 hours this week and can't help you" flowers from The Man.

Ain't guilt pretty?

Honestly though, sometimes it really does make a big difference just to know he gets it. I do love that guy.

And since everyone I know is either sick or has a sick child: I'll toast to a happy cough and sniffle season for my friends. May your soup be chicken, your humidifiers be clean and your antibiotics be cheap.

Status Report - December

2008-12-14T13:39:00.006-05:00

Sitting...at the desk in our dining room. (This hasn't changed because this is still our only computer...Santa, are you listening?)

Smelling...Not much. I'm pretty stuffy. But if I wasn't I suspect, I'd be smelling the Christmas tree and the cup of coffee, long cold, with lots of Gingerbread creamer, sitting on the desk.

Listening...To my three youngest children in my bedroom raiding the craft supply box. Allie is hunting for glitter (this can not end well) and my son is telling her a completely fabricated story about how he saw a knight costume at the store, but it didn't have a helmet so his mom (presumably me?) said she would make him one with lots of glitter. I am enjoying the story so much that I haven't had the heart to go in and call him on the fact that it's all a complete lie. Besides, I am sure Allie knows it's a lie as my name is never mentioned along with the words "Make a costume" or even worse, gasp, "glitter."

Drinking...Diet coke with ice. No, not the cold coffee, that's pathetically, still sitting here from before church this morning.

Reading...I just finished The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. A gorgeously crafted young adult novel about a girl growing up in Nazi Germany. This is, I think, the best book I have read this year. I absolutely loved these characters. It was, however, also heartbreaking and I read the last two chapters through my tears. I am now ready for a lighter diversion for the holidays. Something that will whisk me away but not leave me in tears. I'd LOVE your suggestions.

Also reading...She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. I started this today, but I am not feeling it right now. I don't think it's quite the light and fluffy distraction I want. I may put it aside and pick up something else instead. I have no doubt I'll get back to it eventually.

Loving...The "Gift of Hope" thing my church did this year. Everyone was supposed to pick one way to serve others this Christmas. I chose to bring Allie and her friends caroling to the sick and homebound on Friday night. Surprisingly, this was more difficult for me than I thought it would be. Allie had already hosted a caroling party in our neighborhood the last few years so I thought it would be an easy transition to take that on the road. But man, what a blessing I received by stepping out of my comfort zone. But more about that later.

Also Loving...The cold weather and Christmas Lights. Uncharacteristically unScrooge-like of me, but true.

Dreading...Finishing my Christmas shopping and the SIX Christmas parties/programs I have this week. Characteristically Scrooge-like of me.

Eagerly anticipating....December 25th. The week starting with Christmas and ending with New Years Day is the best one of the year for me. The Christmas hustle and bustle is behind me, The Man and kids are home and we get to spend time together as a family. With ~~a new laptop~~ new toys!

Worrying...about my kids. Especially the older two. All the time. Every minute of the day. I'll leave it at that.

Wishing...that this nasty cold descending upon me would move right on along. Too much to do to be sick this week.

Also Wishing...The Man would provide me with some idea of what to get him for Christmas. He says "nothing" but he has worked so hard this year, I would really love to give him something that would blow him away.

Praying...for wisdom and discernment and more wisdom. This parenting gig is hard.

Grateful...That my mediocre Christmas cards are mailed and that most of my Christmas shopping, which is also likely mediocre, is done.

Also Grateful...for Psuedoephedrine. Even if I am forced to feel slightly criminal now each time I purchase it. I mean really my dear power crazed pharmacist, aren't I slightly too um...well fed to be a Meth addict?

Sharing...This video of my baby girl.

Who, incidentally, is still sporting permanent marker spots and now also has runny nose and a rash on her face. She's got quite the orphan-child look going on these days. Poor dear.

My little boy

2008-12-06T08:35:00.010-05:00

The Weekids and I were snuggled in the chair-and-a-half for our nightly story time. This ritual is one of the highlights of my day. We were reading a story about bears waiting for Santa and each time Clara pointed to the page and said "Santa Cwas" my heart turned to warm pudding inside my chest. I looked over at Ben, munching away and because suspicious.

"Ben, what are you eating?" I asked casually.

Ben giggled. "What do you think I'm eating?"

"Is it a toy?" I guessed.

He giggled again. "Nah, it's just a booger or somethin."

Aaaaah.

~~~~~~~~~~~
And now, after that lovely vignette, I will leave you with these two, very brief, videos of Ben's preschool Christmas performance from tonight. Here, he is the blonde boy in the center and as you can see he had two entire lines to sing "all by himself."

Go ahead, play it again, it may take you several tries to appreciate the awesomeness of his 2.5 second performance.

Let's just say he makes up in passion for what he lacks in subtlety. Or pitch. When he finished his song he backed up from the mic and waved his little heart out at his family. The five of us, sitting on the second row, roaring with laughter and waving right back at him.

And lastly, here he is ~~having some kind of spasm~~ vigorously doing the sign language to the end of Silent Night.

He is a boy, through and through. And he makes me laugh every single day.

And, gracious, he has my heart. Tucked right there in his pocket. With goodness knows what else.

Joy in Chaos

2008-12-04T22:38:00.005-05:00

Last night my girlfriends moved "Girls Night Out" to my house to come and rescue me from being stuck at home with my children. The children literally ran or drove circles around my home while we ate obscene amounts of carbs and chatted. We even managed the next segment in our Bible Study on finding lasting joy through Christ despite your worldly circumstances, which felt like it was speaking directly to me. And by the end of the night I was renewed and The Man had returned and life felt infinitely better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my friends were arriving they found Brandon on his hands and knees scrubbing the hardwoods because he somehow managed to explode a permanent marker all over our kitchen by shaking it at his younger siblings. They were also greeted by this little blonde head.

While I was taking pictures of her, Brandon growled from the floor "You are NOT going to put that on your blog?"

And I responded, "Dude, you turned your sister into a Christmas Dalmatian, it's totally going on the blog."

And I can't bring myself to listen to her scream while I attempt to scrub blobs of permanent ink off her head so, this morning, she is spotted still. And probably will be until it wears off through regular washings.

2008-12-04T21:19:00.005-05:00

It's been a tiring couple of days. The Man is out of town and while it is true that I solo parent during the week, I miss his presence. There is a rhythm, an inhale and exhale, to our lives together. An underlying comfort in knowing that I can go downstairs to his office and plop down there to unload. I rarely do, but I can.

And then, at the end of our days we find each other, at 10:00PM when he is finally off work and the kids are in bed (or on their way there). And we have a routine, even if just for an hour. Recorded TV shows. A ratty beige blanket. First sitting side by side and then eventually with my head on a pillow in his lap. Sometimes television will turn to conversation, more often sleep finds me first. My daughter says we are not romantic, but I laugh. "There are better things than romance" I tell her but she doesn't believe me. She can't comprehend the beauty and peace in a collective sharing of our loads, a happiness in being together, in just being. I hope that someday she will.

He is the last one up at night and closes up the house. Locks up the doors. Recovers the sandbox, puts things back in their rightful place. He makes sure the animals are fed and turns on the monitor. Simple things I rarely notice. But today our sandbox filled with water from the rains. And it was good, for I noticed his absence. And it is nice to be missed.

And that absence is even more pronounced tonight because my oldest son, has left me crumpled in a heap of worry and anger. About things I cannot share, but wish I could. He's a ghost on this blog, by his own demands, but never think that his place in my heart is not as substantial and ingrained as all the rest. I often find myself wishing I could share my joys and trials of life with him - the way he makes me pull out my hair and laugh in spite of myself. I see the gaping hole of his absence here, and it bothers me. My story has a character missing. The main character tonight. My smart, funny, boy with the potential he cannot see.

Gratitude - Day 30 (Whew!)

2008-11-30T23:15:00.003-05:00

It's over. I did it. Thirty gratitude posts in thirty days and it was hard. Not as hard as last year, but still more difficult than I anticipated. Overall though, I would say it was a very worthwhile exercise and one I would encourage you to try, even just privately. It's amazing how my mindset changed knowing I needed to record something I was grateful for each day. I started really noticing the blessings that were there all along.

I'm must say though, that for now I am grateful that the this daily posting thing is over. I'm ready for a break from generating words. Now, maybe I can find time to start reading them again. Farewell NaBloPoMo. I doubt I'll participate again. But who knows, I've said that before.

Drumroll please...

2008-11-30T14:40:00.005-05:00

We put the names in a hat,and my trusty assistant drew out a winner!

Congratulations Painted Maypole, you won the custom cape from Superflykidz! I'll be contacting you in the next day or two with details. Thanks to everyone who played along.

Gratitude - Day 29 (Online Shopping - and a PSA)

2008-11-29T23:48:00.005-05:00

As I mentioned earlier this month my sister-in-law has been joining me in this 30 Days of Thanks thing. I have been surprised at how often I will check her posts and see that she is thankful for the same things I am. It's been fun to see the similarities. Except when I see she has given thanks for something I was planning on being thankful for in a future post, thus rendering it off the table. I can't have our shared relatives thinking I couldn't come up with my own Thanksgiving topics.

Yes, I really am still that immature. And paranoid.

Anyway, yesterday she gave thanks for online shopping. And man, if she didn't steal the words right out of my drafts file. But you know what, today I got online and comparison shopped Playmobil new and used at a dozen different stores. I ended up with two crazy deals on a castle and knights for Ben. One item, predictably, on EBay and another at a random store that, inexplicably, had a set marked for 75% off the going price of anywhere else on the Internet. A rare moment of shopping rapture, folks, right there in my spinney chair.

Ben's Christmas shopping is officially done. And I did all of this by 11AM while drinking Peppermint Mocha Coffee and wearing my pajamas. She said it first, but it bears repeating: Online Shopping Rocks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And speaking of good deals on online shopping...

Old Navy has all their pajamas 50% off tomorrow (Sunday) ONLY. In stores AND ONLINE. Which means all their sleep pants (men's, women's, girl's, boy's) are $7-$8 each. Petites. Tall. Plus sizes. The whole deal. Baby/Toddler PJs are $7 for the set. So go now, and buy for everyone you know. Who doesn't like pajama pants? Oh, and the tops are on sale too if you are inclined towards matching pajamas.

And if you want to thank me for this kind public service announcement, I like the white/pink plaid. Size XL. Thankyouverymuch.

Gratitude - Day 28

2008-11-28T23:22:00.006-05:00

It's an easy kind of day to be grateful. Lazy and full of moments that whisper of beauty and contentment if I stopped to listen. And today, I did. I stopped to note a girl sitting in a movie sighing in her first infatuation. I knew the characters on the screen would always hold happy, wistful place in her heart. I saw the way she stopped by the mirror when the show ended to smooth her hair and reapply shine to her lips. The movements not yet practiced enough to be natural. My heart aching a little - just a little - at how soon they would be.

Later, basking in the chaos of our weekly dinner, I watched the backs of my boys as one led the other down the hall, trying to imprint the scene like a snapshot in my mind. The tall boy - nearly a man - stooping to guide his miniature counterpart.

Then, tonight, with all of my being I marked the feel of two small bodies pressed against me. Savoring their weight and scent as we read our bedtime stories. It was Christmas stories tonight; the beginning of a new season. A season I find myself anticipating with a tentative and unexpected peace.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T14:36:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving
by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1896)

We walk on starry fields of white
And do not see the daisies;
For blessings common in our sight
We rarely offer praises.
We sigh for some supreme delight
To crown our lives with splendor,
And quite ignore our daily store
Of pleasures sweet and tender.

Our cares are bold and push their way
Upon our thought and feeling.
They hang about us all the day,
Our time from pleasure stealing.
So unobtrusive many a joy
We pass by and forget it,
But worry strives to own our lives
And conquers if we let it.

There’s not a day in all the year
But holds some hidden pleasure,
And looking back, joys oft appear
To brim the past’s wide measure.
But blessings are like friends, I hold,
Who love and labor near us.
We ought to raise our notes of praise
While living hearts can hear us.

Full many a blessing wears the guise
Of worry or of trouble.
Farseeing is the soul and wise
Who knows the mask is double.
But he who has the faith and strength
To thank his God for sorrow
Has found a joy without alloy
To gladden every morrow.

We ought to make the moments notes
Of happy, glad Thanksgiving;
The hours and days a silent phrase
Of music we are living.
And so the theme should swell and grow
As weeks and months pass o’er us,
And rise sublime at this good time,
A grand Thanksgiving chorus

Gratitude - Day 26 Random Randomness

2008-11-26T18:40:00.004-05:00

Today I am thankful for Pumpkin Pie. It's baking in the oven right now and making my house smell like Thanksgiving like nothing else can. It's not a special recipe, just the one off the back of the Libby's Pumpkin can. Because that's what I had growing up which, obviously, makes it the best.

I'm thankful for Clara who has been walking around the house with a quarter all day singing "My money, my money, I love my money" to the tune of The Bunny song from Veggie Tales. Which is just so completely opposite of what Big Idea was trying to teach with that episode I just can't stop laughing at it. Which just makes her keep doing it, my little oblivious idolatress.

And I wrote a post over at Worst Mama today about the Second Hand Christmas theme I am doing this year. And I am thankful for that too. Even if it has elicited some strange looks.

Oh and to beat a dead horse (or dead contest as it may be) tomorrow is the last day to enter the Superhero Cape drawing so go leave a comment if you are interested. Your odds are looking pretty good.

Gratitude - Day 25

2008-11-25T23:59:00.002-05:00

Today after a marathon shopping trip I made a big pot of soup. I am gearing up for a lazy couple of days and know I won't want to do any cooking tomorrow other than the requisite pumpkin pie baking session with Allie. Feeling uncharacteristically in the holiday spirit I picked up The Polar Express at Blockbuster when I was running around. So after dinner the kids and I (all but Brandon - who, sadly but predictably, ditched us for some friends) piled on the sofa to watch it. Ben had never seen it but I figured with a boy, a racing train and Santa it would be hard to go wrong. And I as right. He absolutely loved it. Watching it through his eyes brought me such joy. He was positively riveted through the train scenes and would periodically bounce or cheer in his seat in excitement.

(Although what is with the part where the creepy marionette comes to life and starts screeching at the kid? I forgot that part was even in there and it scared Ben to death. Poor kids gonna have nightmares tonight about rabid toys.)

Sitting on a sofa snuggled under a blanket with my children is one of life's simple pleasures. A pleasure that is often neglected in our home. More often than not when my kids are watching a movie it's because I am trying to get something else accomplished. It's rare that I just sit with them in peace for any length of time. Let's face it, it's rare that there is peace for any length of time. So today I am thankful for the time we spent piled happily on top of each other. And for the opportunity, when the movie was over, to talk about what the first gift of Christmas really was. The gift I strive to be thankful for most of all.

Gratitude - Day 24

2008-11-24T23:43:00.004-05:00

Today I cleaned out all the Weekids toys. What a process, but man am I grateful that I accomplished it. All those baby/toddler toys have been weeded out and bagged up to pass down to someone with an actual baby or todder. I thought I would be sad, but so far I am just glad for the increased floorspace. Maybe there is hope for a living room with a coffee table again after all. One day.

I am also grateful that for once, when I went to find out what my too quiet kids were doing during this process, I was not met with destruction.

Instead I found these fierce pirates sailing the high seas:

(Or in other words, two kids in a diaper box with some swords.)

At last it's here...The Giveaway!

2008-11-24T00:38:00.011-05:00

Do you know what this is?

Okay, if you look closely, you will see it is bad picture of my bed, unmade and waiting for me at this unseemly hour of 12:38 AM, but let's not dwell...

I'm talking about those gorgeous brightly colored things, do you know what they are?

They are the personalized superhero capes Ben and Clara are getting for Christmas! Couldn't you just die from the cuteness? When I decided I wanted to give away one of my favorite things again I thought it might be nice to share one of my favorite ideas for a Christmas gift. But then I remembered that I am horrible at picking out Christmas gifts and probably shouldn't be advising anyone.

Well, wouldn't ya know it, but these beauties showed up in the mail a day or two later. I ordered them from the Superflykidz shop on Etsy. Surely you know about Etsy? The great black hole of handmade awesomeness?

Oh and by the way, I also ordered two for my nieces' Christmas gifts. Because girls are super too.

And I cannot tell you how excited I am about this. Because here's the kicker. They are only 15 bucks a piece including personalization. $15!!! You pick the cape color, the design, the design color, the letter and sparkles vs no sparkles. (I vote for sparkles) That is crazy people!

And look what a good job she did:

I was so tickled with how well they turned out and all the cool aunt points I was going to get that my giveaway seemed a no brainer. So I contacted Superflykidz and amazingly she responded with a really kind offer to donate one. Which makes her not only the creator of one of the best cheap kid gifts around but also in the running for my new best friend.

So, if you want to be entered in the giveaway to win a personalized cape for one of the super kids in your life, then I want you to do one small thing for me. Please leave a comment on this post letting me know one thing that you think would make a good inexpensive Christmas gift for you or someone else on your list. Because as I mentioned before I am gifting challenged and I could use the help.

Note: Superflykidz doesn't have a ton of examples on display at the Etsy shop right now because she has been innundated with Christmas orders and everything has sold. However, you can do a custom order at anytime. This giveaway will end at midnight on Thursday (Thanksgiving) night so that the winner may be able to get their cape in time for Christmas. You do not have to have a blog to enter but please make sure your contact information is in the comment.

Gratitude - Day 23

2008-11-23T18:33:00.004-05:00

Wow, what a difference a day and some sleep makes. I got nearly eight hours last night and feel like a whole new person. It was a lovely day full of little girls in tutus, boys tearing through house, football on the television and obscene amounts of food. In short, we had my side of the family's Thanksgiving. And I am so grateful for my family, the whole motley lot of them. My brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews and their Gramma and Pop. It is a blessing to be part of a large family and I am thrilled we chose to continue in that tradition. I hope that someday my kids will have their own noisy chaotic holidays with not enough seats and children constantly underfoot. I just can't imagine it being any other way.

I am also grateful that this week is over. Today, for the first time in weeks I am sittting at the computer prior to 11:30 at night. I have nearly 200 posts in my google reader and 87 requests in my Facebook account. And I am planning on ignoring every single one of them. And even better the week ahead of me seems amazingly devoid of entries on the calendar. With two very important exceptions. Thursday we will be celebrating Thanksgiving with my husbands equally wonderful and chaotic family and Friday Allie and I will be going to see this movie. And yes, I know the book is a pile of sappy, juvenile fluff-n-nonsense, that is far beneath my high brow tastes. Except that apparently it's not because we are both pretty darn excited about it.

And now, I'm off to write the mildly anticipated and much delayed giveaway post. It will go up at midnight: two entire weeks after I said I would. I am so sorry, but try as I might sometimes real life gets in the way of my blogging life. The nerve.

Gratitude - Day 22

2008-11-22T22:13:00.003-05:00

Today I am thankful for my busyness. For seeing friends at a birthday party, for seeing my beautiful niece dance, for seeing my two other nieces bundled up in their PJs at my home after hours of play with their adoring cousins. For having so many blessings it was a challenge to fit them all into my day. And for coffee, because boy did I need it.

Gratitude - Day 21

2008-11-22T00:22:00.004-05:00

It's midnight and I just walked in the door after another whirlwind day and tomorrow will be more of the same. We have a basketball game, a dance recital and a birthday party to attend, as well as company coming in to spend the night tomorrow evening. I promised myself that I would not grumble about my decision to commit to 30 days of Thanks, but man have I been tempted this week. Not from lack gratitude fodder, but from lack of time to record it.

Every other Friday night I have girls night. There are four of us and we meet together sans husbands and kids for Bible Study and food and talk and a general unburdening of our hearts. These three friends know me better than anyone in my life, with the exception of my husband. And in some areas, better even than he. Some of us have been friends for nearly twenty years. Twenty years. I can tell them anything, and I have. We've loved each other through so much:
Heartaches, weddings, divorce, babies, infertility, depression, new jobs, lost jobs and kids. Kids that have stolen our hearts and sometimes broken them. Prayers that were answered and the ones where God said no. 247 diets and twice as much chocolate. Laughter and tears and wine and prayer and insecurities and encouragement.

Our enduring friendship is a rare and amazing gift. And I can honestly say there is not a day that goes by where I am not grateful for it.

Gratitude - Day 20

2008-11-21T00:05:00.004-05:00

Today, I am thankful that it is technically already Friday and this long crazy week is coming to an end. And I am thankful for my friends.

The one who sent me a devotional at the perfect time this week reminding me that

"God never intended for us to make completing a to-do list the purpose of our lives."
~Rick Warren

Hurray for that piece of good news! Because if that was my purpose I would certainly be failing. But it's not, and I know it's not. But too often I fall into the trap of judging my success as a parent, as a homemaker, as a child of God by how much I get checked off my list.

And I'm thankful for my friend who recently reminded me to get up close with my camera. I did, yesterday. And look what I found.

Gratitude - Day 19 (Daddy comes to school.)

2008-11-19T13:03:00.005-05:00

For Wordless Wednesday.

Gratitude - Day 18 (Jello)

2008-11-18T23:07:00.015-05:00

On the way home from school today:

Ben - Mom. I really want to know what Jello tastes like. I think it tastes good.

Me - Really? Did someone have Jello at school today?

Ben - No. It's something I've been wondering for a long time.

Me - (Ha! A long time. My kid is the cutest.) OK, well we will have to make some sometime so you can find out.

Ben - Can we make some when we get home?

Me - Ummmmm... (Do we have Jello? Have I ever actually purchased Jello? ~~You know, since I stopped using it to make shots in college?~~) I'm not sure we have any Ben.

Well, we came home and on a whim I searched the back of the pantry and amazingly found one box. I think it's been there for years. I have no recollection of purchasing it. I couldn't find an expiration date, so I took that as a positive omen and we made Jello. Ben actually squealed when I poured in the boiling water and it turned from pink powder to bright red liquid. And then he burst into tears when I explained to him that it wouldn't be ready to eat until after his nap.

Thirty minutes later, he popped out of bed. "I slept! Is the Jello ready?" He did this two more times. When we finally scooped it into a bowl, he did a little happy jig, and then he sat at the table and laughed and laughed as he tried half a dozen times to get it on his spoon. And when he finally got a bite, he said. "It's wigglely Mom. It's wigglely on my spoon and it's wigglely in my mouth. And it's yummy, just like I knew it would be!"

And then my heart exploded from all the cuteness.

And so today I am thankful for the mystery box of strawberry jello in the back of my pantry. And for taking ten minutes out of another insanely busy day to say yes to my four year old. What a beautiful reminder, as I enter into this season of chaos and excess, that the magic really is in the simplest things.

~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, and lest you thought I forgot about my giveaway, I didn't. It was just taking a little longer than I thought to get my ducks in a row what with all the Thanksgivinging going on around here. But it's official now, and I have something super cool to give. And it was actually donated to me for the giveaway, when I said I wanted to use it as one of my favorite things! Oh my goodness! I'm just like Oprah. Except, that I don't have my own TV Show or Magazine or a Kabillion dollars and I think Exhaert Tolle is full of Baloney. But other than that...The Same!

Anyhoo, I am doing a giveaway. Tomorrow. Or the next day. Or Friday at the latest. But soon, and I'm really excited. In case you couldn't tell.

Gratitude - Day 17

2008-11-17T23:13:00.009-05:00

Today was another busy day, chock full of glamorous things like grocery shopping and laundry and sorting the 18 inches of socks that had accumulated at the bottom of the basket. Mondays are always hard for me, because the week starts with a dreary and seemingly insurmountable list of chores. A list made even more dreadful by being virtually indistinguishable from the weeks before. It's hard not to feel like I am spinning my wheels. So I really tried, in the spirit of this project, to stop and notice the positive things. And today it seemed obvious, I am thankful for Clara.

When we were grocery shopping Clara sang and talked to everyone we saw. All my kids have been obnoxiously friendly shoppers at this age, but Clara's exuberance is really something to behold. She will start shouting her greetings 50 ft away. And if they stop and speak with her, she will shout at them again as they walk away. "Buh bye, Honey! See ya soon!" It cracks me up every. single. time. And when we are in the car she will demand Christmas music. And not just any Christmas music, but "Sleigh ride" by Amy Grant. And then she will dance and sing like nobodys business. It's fantastic. And impossible to resist. We make a humorous picture, the two of us, twisting and throwing up our hands in the carpool line.

Clara is our child that looks most like me. And the one most unlike me in personality. But I am just so thankful to God for the blessing of my loud, feisty baby girl. She brings such a spirit of passion and joy (and unpredictability) to my life. And I think, sometimes, it's just what the doctor ordered.

~~~~~~~~
The week ahead of me is looking a bit crazy. And by crazy, I mean I went grocery shopping today for four Thanksgiving type feasts between now and Sunday. And that doesn't even include the actual Thanksgiving shindig at my in-laws on, well, Thanksgiving! That's a lot of shopping, and baking and casseroles to be toting around. And we won't even discuss how hopeless fitting into my jeans will be when it's all over.

So I resolved to take a hiatus this week from Facebook and Blogging. Ironic, as I am participating in NaBloPoMo by doing this Thirty Days of Thanks thing. My resolutions are conflicting. Which, strangely enough, is not an unusual problem for me. So, while I will still be spitting out a post a day on gratitude, I probably won't be reading and commenting much this week. And yes, I do realize, this falls in the category of very bad blogging etiquette. To which I say: Four thanksgiving feasts people. Four! Cut me some slack.

Gratitude - Day 16 (3-year-olds and sleep)

2008-11-16T23:30:00.006-05:00

Today was my last choir class until the new year. I am so thankful for the opportunity to sing, dance, play instruments and praise, praise, praise with my small group of 3-year-olds. What an amazing transformation we have seen in our shy, quiet bunch since the year started. That first week I was seriously concerned that my class was going to be the "Joy Preschool Solo Hour." But now they sing and dance and get out of control just like 3-year-olds should. And while I have been known to grumble when it cuts too far into my Sunday afternoon nap, I genuinely look forward to going each week.

And man, am I grateful for the faithful people that put aside their their own naps (and pride) to show up and be silly right along with me - not to mention saving me about 243 trips to the potty. I have made new friends and - after six years in fourth grade choir - have found a brand new passion. (Making music with preschoolers...whooda thunkit?) If Christmas wasn't such a hectic season I really would be sad for such a long break.

And also, right now, I am thankful for the clean sheets I am about to go put on my bed. And the down comforter. And the seven hours of sleep I am going to get. Ha! That's positive thinking if I ever heard it. Or maybe just plain claiming a miracle. But who knows? It could happen.

Gratitude - Day 15

2008-11-15T23:25:00.004-05:00

It was a long and busy day today. I took Allie out shopping for warmer clothes. Shopping with an adolescent daughter is always a tightrope walk. Sometimes we have a wonderful time. Sometimes there are short fuses and tears. Today fell somewhere in the middle. We did - after many hours - finally find some things we were both happy with. The day ended well. She was happy and grateful which left me the same.

And when I walked in the door to my home, after just a few hours away, I was met with two fans squealing my name and clamoring to touch me. It is such an exquisite thing, the uninhibited, unconditional love of little ones. And I am so thankful today for this undue gift. Even more so for knowing how soon it will slip away, like water through my fingers.

Gratitude quickie - Day 14

2008-11-14T22:36:00.002-05:00

The Man is out for the evening playing poker with his friends. The weekids are in bed and I'm hanging out with Brandon and Allie and one of Allie's friends. We're eating ice cream and playing word games and having a heckuva time.

I have cool kids. Cool, smart kids - Brandon keeps kicking my butt at Twirl. So in the interest of getting back to the important stuff - I'm just going to keep this short and just say:

I am thankful for my life as a mom of two teenagers (OK, one teenager and one almost teenager.)

It's hard. Really hard. But when it's good, there's nothing better.

Gratitude - Day 13 (Books)

2008-11-13T23:09:00.007-05:00

Tonight I loaded the Weekids into the car at 8PM to take Allison to our used book store. She had run out of books and it was "an emergency!" In her defense, she has been doing extra Weekid watching and I had agreed to compensate her in used books. But the hour of our book run was a prime example of the coddling I was referring to in my last post. That girl knows my weaknesses too well. I doubt I would have made it through my truly horrible middle school experience without books. And even now, I have been known to prowl the house like a jittery addict when I run out of things to read. I can't fall asleep without at least one chapter to ease the transition from real life to dreams.

So simply because her quirks mirror my own, I caved. And withstood squinty looks from the staff while attempting to keep Ben and Clara from completely trashing the small children's section thirty minutes before closing. So she could select a few borderline appropriate young adult novels.

Oh, and for the record, Publishers...if a book has sex in it, it should NOT be labeled YA. I don't care if the sex is between teenagers. That just makes it more inappropriate for my impressionable girl to read. Please move these books to the adult section. Or maybe create a new section called "Books with teenager characters that have sex and/or do drugs and curse like sailors." But I digress.

Later this evening, as I was sitting on the sofa with my husband watching Survivor no less, it dawned on me that in 2008 there are still many people for whom this experience would have been inconceivable. And by "experience" I don't mean wrestling a two-year-old out of a lovely display case of handmade quilts at the bookstore. (Oh yes, she crawled in and made herself at home!) I mean going to a bookstore. I mean reading a book.

I don't think I had ever thought about this before.

I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't love books. Being read to by my mother is ingrained in my earliest memories. It's one of the few things I was passionate about passing on to my own children. Realizing that there are still many children in undeveloped countries who will live their lives without ever reading, or being read to, is just another reminder that I will never really be able to comprehend how blessed I am.

So today I am thankful for books. For the people who taught me to read them. For growing up loving them. For passing that love on to at least one of my children (The jury's still out on the other three.) And for living in a society where I have access to more books than I could ever read, for free.

And, if I may make a plug, for organizations like Compassion International who are changing communities one child at time. So that hopefully, one day, no child will grow up without food, or medicine, or books, or hope.

Gratitude - Day 12

2008-11-12T20:41:00.006-05:00

Ben can't write. He knows all his letters. He knows all the sounds they make. He's just on the cusp of putting them together into words. He's discovered that adding or subtracting a letter can change things. He's fascinated by this. His enthusiasm makes my heart swell. I am thrilled with where he is cognitively. He's funny. And well mannered. And a people pleaser. And enthusiastic about everything. But he can't write.

He attempts to write B. E. N. on papers but it's pretty much illegible. He can't even trace B. e. n. with a modicum of success. He just can't. This has started to bother me. To cause me to worry. And that worry is making me angry. He's four.

And I want him to be four.

I don't want to care about whether his fine motor skills are going to give him trouble when he enters kindergarten next year. (Because I suspect they are.) I want him to explore what he is passionate about and nudge him gently towards things he may not be. I want him to sing songs and climb on rocks and read lots of books and color pictures and pretend to be a pirate for hours on end. I don't want him to sit at the table practicing writing his letters. He's not ready. Or maybe he is.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for the next phase. Where they started getting rated by what they can and cannot do. Where words like "behind" and "struggling" and "needs extra help" enter our vocabulary. Again.

Allison's having a difficult time in school. I have alluded to this several times before. I won't go into details but let's just say she's in 7th grade. And her problems are not academic. For the first time since first or second grade she leaves for school each morning dreading the day ahead of her. She feels unwelcome. Unaccepted. The other day she told me she feels invisible. And my heart, it crumbled.

I am relieved that Allie is talking to me about what is going on with her. But I don't know how to fix this for her, and it's killing me. I walk around with a pit of anxiety boiling in my stomach. Imagining her feeling unwanted. Imagining her feeling unworthy. I find myself treating her differently. I don't make her do quite as much around the house. I buy her small things to make her smile. I write her little notes. When she walks in the door from school I can't help but pounce on her, asking her a little too cheerfully and pointedly how her day was. I want so badly to make home a soft and comforting place to land.

When Allison was Ben's age we had concerns about her starting kindergarten the next year. Her birthday falls 6 days before the cut-off so she was the youngest. She didn't really know her letters and she was just seemed immature compared to the other kids. It seems so obvious to me now that she wasn't ready. But her teachers encouraged us to send her on, and so we did. (Incidentally her fine motor skills were amazing)

Eventually she caught up academically but socially she has always been younger. We will always regret the decision we made to send her on. Even now, eight years later, I cannot help but wonder if she would be in this place if she were a year older.

Did we make the right decision by her back then?
Probably not.
Did that decision cause her the pain she is experiencing now?
I don't know. There is no way too know.
Is it helping her to deal with her current situation by coddling her at home?
I don't know.
Am I afraid to send Ben on to Kindergarten because of Allie's struggles then and now.
Probably.
Would it be the right decision to hold him back as well?
I don't know.

I just don't. And it kills me that I don't. And that I may never know if the decision I make is the right one. The most difficult part of parenting is not doing what needs to be done, but knowing what to do. And relying on God when you don't. I'm not so good at this.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I am thankful for my two sensitive children.

May I always do right by you. And may my prayers be enough to carry you when I don't.

Gratitude - Day 11 (Crockpot condoms, peppermint mocha, and a blurry picture)

2008-11-11T21:32:00.004-05:00

Imagine my surprise to find out that some of you were not familiar with slow cooker liners, which are - as Karen pointed out - also commonly called crock pot condoms. I might, however, refrain from referring to them as such when trying to locate them at your local grocery store. Just so ya know, they are located with the Ziplock baggies and saran warp. I am delighted to have been able to share such life changing information with my readers. BigMama* has her trip to the Dominican. I have crock pot condoms. We all do what we can.

So now I'm thinking we should all do some kind of post-your-favorite-slow-cooker-recipe carnival in honor of not having to clean our slow cookers. What do you think? Would you participate?

As for gratitude, today I am grateful that there was Coffeemate Peppermint Mocha Creamer at my Publix. They've been out since it arrived on the shelves. I'm starting to doubt it was ever really there. I think they may have been trying to build up demand with the "Peppermint Mocha" label in front of a large gaping hole in the creamer section. Like with gas. Encourage peppermint mocha creamer hording. It worked. I bought three.

And I am thankful that yesterday, while making dinner I stumbled upon something previously thought to be an urban legend. Look:

Four children. Snuggled together on the sofa. With no fighting or bickering or pushing for an entire hour. Yes, the spaced out expressions are because they were watching Ratatouille on TV. But I won't make a single apology about it. An HOUR, uninterrupted, to ~~make dinner~~ take pictures and post them on my blog while my children ~~enjoyed~~ tolerated each others company.

That's the American dream right there.

* Please don't take my attempt at humor as diminishing anything the compassion bloggers are doing to make a difference. This is a wonderful group of people and a wonderful organization. If you haven't been there, you really should check it out.

Gratitude - Day 10 (A wandering mind)

2008-11-10T18:26:00.000-05:00

Today I made chicken and rice in the crockpot. I love those crock pot liners they came out with in the last couple years, and yes, that's what I am thankful for. I think they are worthy of an award. It gives me great satisfaction to bundle up the nasty goop from the bottom of the pot and throw it all away. I use the slow cooker once a week now and I think it's partly because of not having to clean it. What can I say, I am a dirty dishes wimp. My daughter comes by it naturally.

It occurred to me today, as I was smoothing down my liner before throwing in chicken, that this is an incredibly simple concept that could be applied to other areas of my life. Like what about a liner for the bottom of my purse? I could remove the cell phone, wallet and umbrella and then pull out the liner to throw away the 67 receipts, cracker crumbs, used tissues, stray army men, straw wrappers and the half eaten sucker.

Voila!

Or what about a liner to completely cover the floorboard of the car. Just like that... happy meal toys, 18 pieces of school/church/bible study artwork, french fries, gold fish, crayons from the Mexican restaurant, stray army men, empty water bottles and the dried milk from the spill last Friday.

You know what, I could even take this a step further and just line the entire inside of my house with plastic. Then when we pulled it up each week all the crunched up cheerios, dog hair, and sand tracked in from the sandbox would come with it. Oh, I am sure we'd loose some toys (stupid army men) hairbows and shoes, and an occasional ipod or pet in the process. But just imagine the benefits. I'd never vaccuum up another polly pocket or lego again. In fact, I don't think I'd even need a vaccuum. And I'm sure the kids would start picking up their stuff eventually, when they are down to one brown dress shoe and some coasters to play with.

So that's what I need. Disposable liners for the inside of my purse. And car. And house. So I can wad up all the left over trash and throw it away.

And, it seems, one for my brain as well. There is obviously a lot of stray trash in there. Like this whole ridiculous post.

Crockpot liners...that's what I am thankful for.

Gratitude - Day 9 (Three hundred)

2008-11-09T23:16:00.004-05:00

This is my three-hundredth post.

300 posts! I can not fathom how I still have something to say. But even more so, I cannot fathom what you people are still doing here!

But oh how I love it. This crazy self-indulgent kinda scary, kinda great, addiction of putting my words, my fears, my joys, my silliness, my heart out there. Out here. And I love all of you, for each. and. every:

I know.
I hear you.
I get it.
I'm so happy for you.
I'm so sorry.
You made me laugh.
You made me cry.
I've totally been there.
You're kidding me.
I'm praying for you.
You can do it.
You're kids are so cute.
This is what I did...
I'm listening.
Me too.
Have fun.
You are a good mother.
You'll be OK.
She'll be OK.
He'll be OK.
Don't give up.
I love you.

that you have given me. I don't get back to all of you the way I should. And I don't understand why you are still here.

But, I am so, so grateful that you are.

Gratitude - Day 8

2008-11-09T00:10:00.002-05:00

Today I am thankful for those adjustable waist elastic tab button things that they put inside pants. I am glad that you can now find them everywhere. Without this development my food challenged son would always be wearing pants 2 sizes too short. Or experience repeat performances of the time his pants fell to his ankles in the church parking lot.

(Oh dear drawstring, how I miss thee)

So thanks to all the brands that have come forward to give aide to the cause of skinny kids. Sewing impaired mamas everywhere are in your debt.

Gratitude - Day 7 (Allie)

2008-11-07T23:29:00.006-05:00

I'm crawling back to the computer exhausted again tonight. It's 11:3oPM and I just now finally made home for the first time today for longer than 15 minutes. I'm operating on 5 hours of sleep and just took 2 sleeping pills. I have about twenty minutes before I start drooling on the keyboard.

That being said, it was a great day with so many things to be grateful for. But as my brain is turning to mush as I write this, I will just focus on one.

Today I checked Allie out of school. She's been having a bit of a hard time lately so I decided to take her out for dessert and hot chocolate.

By the way, have you TRIED Starbucks new Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate? Oh. My. Goodness! But I digress.

Allie and I chatted over marble loaf about my friends and her friends, her school and my work and what we would do when she turned thirteen and was finally allowed to wear makeup. (The important stuff.) Then I took her to get her hair cut. She looked lovely and sweet with her blonde bob and it was so easy for me to see in her the little girl who used to sing a silly song about me being her best friend. We were always together then. She thought I hung the moon in the sky.

We have displaced each other in our rolls in recent years. She, with new friends and interests, and me with two new little blonde fans. It's been a difficult transition for both us, having to share. And my fall from grace in her eyes has been more than a little painful for me.

But in these simple, quiet (and way to rare) moments together, I see a glimpse of something even lovelier that may yet come between us. A relationship not based on me holding up the sky for her, but on each of us holding it up for each other. Based on equal footing, and shared memories, and - I am hopeful - friendship.

She's only twelve now. There's still a long - and probably bumpy - road ahead of us to get from here to there. But I'm looking forward to it. Because my girl, she's gonna make a wonderful friend.

Gratitude - Day 6 (Random stuff)

2008-11-06T23:39:00.002-05:00

I'm really tired tonight. It's been a long busy day. And I have promised myself not to let this 30 Days of Thanks thing stress me out. So I am going to keep this simple.

Today, I am thankful for:

One hour photo development.
Gas at $1.99 a gallon!
My job, that allows my children to attend the preschool they L.O.V.E. for free and lets me speak to adults two mornings a week.
My children's preschool which they L.O.V.E!
Ben sitting in the back of my car adding an "s" to every word he could think of. It went something like this. "If you add that little "s" to the end of car, you get cars. If you add that little "s" to the end of Army Man you get Army Mans." Oh, the cuteness of hearing him saying "that little s" over and over again! I couldn't stand it! And oh, the joy that comes from watching your kid learn to put letters together into words!
Exclamation Points!

G'night.

Gratitude - Day 5 (Fall)

2008-11-05T22:27:00.005-05:00

Today I am thankful for fall. How generic is that? But it was such a beautiful day today. A cold morning warming to a sunny afternoon. A breeze sending showers of red and gold swirling off the trees. I felt like I was back in high school strolling home down a sidewalk crunchy with leaves, wearing a striped scarf, carrying a load of school books and gossiping with my girlfriend about the high school quarterback.

Except that when I was in high school I would never have worn a scarf to school, and I'm pretty sure I didn't know who our quarterback was. And I rode the bus.

But the point is, fall is here and it's GLORIOUS. Suddenly I feel like sipping spiced cider or mulled wine. I want to bake gingery pumpkin bread, or apple pie with pecans. I want to brew big pots of too spicy chili.

Hmmm. Actually, maybe it's just fall foods I am thankful for. But that works too.

**********
Oh! And sometime this weekend I am going to hit my 300th post. Glory, that's a lot of talking about myself. And to celebrate still having people come here after 121,432 grammatically creative words, I am doing another giveaway. I am just not sure exactly what I am giving away but it will be more of my favorite things. More of my favorite things that I can obtain for really, really cheap. Or free. Cause I'm klassy like that.

So tune in next week for round two of "Joy's favorite things that she ccould get for next to nothing" giveaway. I know you can't wait.

Gratitude - Day 4 (I voted)

2008-11-04T23:18:00.005-05:00

Today I voted for my choice of candidate for president of the United States. The people in my life are passionately polarized in their opinions on who I should have voted for. I researched my options more carefully this election than ever before. I wanted to make sure that my vote was my own, and not a result of my associations or preconceived notions. I can tell you now, the candidate I voted for did not win. And for that I am disappointed, but not surprised.

And yet, I am thankful. The gratitude that was so elusive yesterday abounded in me today. I went cheerfully, book in hand to pass the time, (I didn't need it, the line was crazy short!) to stand in line to make my opinion known on whom I wanted to represent me, my state, and my country. This is a right many people have died for in our history. A right still denied to millions and millions of people in our world.

The election did not turn out the way I wanted. But I had a vote, a say in the outcome. And in the end it turned out the way the people of the United States chose. And whether we are conservative or liberal, black or white, a donkey or an elephant, I hope we never forget what a blessing it is to be permitted to choose. I pray that someday the rest of the world will also be so blessed.

You are here. Now go there...

2008-11-04T09:29:00.003-05:00

While you are voting today Kaytar is having her surgery to have her feeding tube put in. And her tonsils and adenoids removed. And to check on the progression of her hearing loss.

I know!

It has to be a lot for Kyla and Josh to handle. So go here and give them some support. We all know Kaytar is going to be just fine, but I am sure they could use your prayers for comfort and peace. And a little extra cyber-lovin.

The encouraging kind. Not the creepy kind.

Gratitude - Day 3

2008-11-03T23:34:00.004-05:00

I confess that I came to the computer tonight ready to go through the motions of gratitude. Throughout the day today I had been making note of blessings (Gas for $2.15 a gallon! Clara playing happily in the sandbox for nearly an hour. A new friendship.) to list on my post tonight. That process in itself is valuable, but by the time I sat down tonight to record them, my heart wasn't in it.

This evening I found out that Allison did not make it into All-state chorus. Because of some misinformation we had received on the cut-off scores, we thought she had. So, when I finally connected with her chorus teacher tonight we were both surprised to find out she had missed the cut off by half a point. With a score that would have qualified her the last three years. She was sad. And I was sad for her. She worked very hard to prepare for the audition, harder than I had seen her work towards anything. And it wasn't enough. It's a stinky life lesson to learn.

For her, I put on an encouraging face. I told her how I proud I was of her efforts (I am!) and how close she came, and how she always has next year (she does!). But I wasn't feeling gratitude, I was feeling sulky and disappointed and like the whole thing seemed cosmically unfair.

But as I was putzing around on my computer, trying to drum up the right frame of mind to write my post, I saw a comment from my sister-in-law stating that she was going to play along on this gratitude thing. I went and read her post and it was beautiful. She expressed thanks for devoted moms doing their best, for missionaries giving their all and then...for her twin sons' autism.

And provided my sulky, self-righteous-mama-bear self with some much needed perspective.

So Lynn, today I am thankful for you. For the warrior mama you are. For the inspiration you provide. And for giving me an (unintentional) kick in the tail.

Gratitude - Day 2 (Someday...)

2008-11-02T20:20:00.001-05:00

Someday...

When the clocks fall back, I actually will get an extra hours sleep.
When I stumble out of bed I will not trip on toys on the way to the kitchen.
I will get to use the bathroom all by myself. When I take a shower it will not be to the soundtrack of a toddler wailing and pounding at the door.
When I get ready for church on a Sunday morning it will only be my hair I have to wash, my teeth I have to brush, my clothes I have to iron, my shoes I have to find.
My van will not smell like sour milk. Or be littered with cheerios and goldfish and Happy Meal toys. In fact, someday my van might not even be a van. It might be something infinitely cooler. Like a car.
When I mop the kitchen floor I will not have to mop it again fifteen minutes later. And then again in an hour.
My living room will not look like a romper room.
There will be no more arguments left to referee or time-outs to enforce or groundings to police.
I will walk through the grocery store again leisurely. Comparing prices on fruit and never once uttering the words "Stop hitting your brother" or "No, you CAN NOT HAVE THAT."
Not a single room in my house will smell like a diaper pail.
I will be able to eat an entire meal without getting up to retrieve a fork, clean a spill, or cut someone's food.
I will not have a calendar hanging on my pantry door with multiple entries for every day of the week.
I will only have to run the dishwasher once a day.
I will only have to sort two sets of socks.
I have plenty of time to write on this blog.

But right now, while children are giggling and my husband is wrestling and my dining room is littered with enough toys and clothes to create a formidable obstacle course...I am thankful. Very, very thankful that day is not today.

30 Days of Thanks-Day 1 (Halloween)

2008-11-01T15:57:00.018-04:00

This Halloween season got off to a rough start. It was the costume thing. We thought we had it figured out ages ago. Ben was going to be a Pirate and Clara was going to be Tinkerbell. (We were going through a Peter Pan phase.) Ben chose a Pirate costume out of the Costume Express catalog and my sister-in-law graciously offered to lend us a Tinkerbell tutu. A month before Halloween and my ducks were in a row. Virtually unheard of in the Chaotic household.

Fast forward two weeks and things have taken a considerable turn for the worse in the costume saga. Costume Express called us when our costume was supposed to be arriving to let us know that they were sold out of the Pirate Costume we ordered. And all other pirate costumes in size 4/5. But our eye-patch and sword would be there soon. You know, in case he wanted to be a naked pirate.

And, to make matters worse, Clara screamed bloody murder every time we try to put the Tinkerbell costume on her and Party city, Target, and Wal-mart are all out of Pirate costumes in Ben's size.

Fast forward one more week and I have ordered a handmade pirate costume from Ebay for a reasonable price. I am feeling relieved and proud-of-myself until the costume arrives in the mail.

Ben hates it.
And, Clara has rejected the hodgepodge of other costumes we have from Halloweens past: Ladybug, Butterfly, Princess, Fireman. She screams at each and every one. At this point I am thinking of canceling the holiday entirely, because really, what's the point if the kids aren't having fun? EXCEPT, my Brother, sister-in-law and two adorable nieces are planning on coming in town to spend the night and trick-or-treat with us.

Fast forward to last night and somehow we managed to pull it off. With lots and lots of encouragement from teachers at school:

(thanks guys)

and family members Ben accepted (although never entirely loved) his pirate costume with the puffy shirt. And I was able to trick Clara into a semi-costume by throwing some cat ears on her head and pairing them with a leopard vest. She was adorable in spite of her best efforts.

And last night was so. much. fun.

The dread pirate Benjamin

Lady Allison Pumpkin designed by Allie.

And, as for what I am thankful for today, well that's easy. I am thankful for my brother and his family. They recently moved a couple hours away and I have missed them (especially my nieces) terribly. I was so happy they came last night to spend the holiday with us. It wouldn't have been the same without them.

Ben and his cousins.

30 Days of Thanks - Here we go again!

2008-11-01T15:03:00.004-04:00

Last November I stumbled upon a NaBloPoMo thread, hosted by Boogiemum, focused on gratitude: 30 Days of Thanks. The description read:

“Why not take a few minutes everyday in the month of November and post a short blurb on something that you are thankful for? I did this last year for NaBloPoMo and found it very therapeutic and some great blogging material.

Let’s make Thanksgiving not just a one day celebration, but a whole month!”

I jumped on board immediately. What a wonderful idea! I can stop each day and focus on it's blessings. It's only five minutes after all.

Bwahahahaha.

This is what I wrote on November 30, 2007.

"What I am thankful for today: November is over! I have posted 36 posts in November. THIRTY-SIX. Talk about self-indulgent ridiculousness. And the idea that I would just be popping on to write a quick line of thanks. That was pure stupidity on my part. It's been a time sucking machine. So when next November comes, if I even think of participating in this daily posting thing, someone please shoot me. Seriously."

Well get our your guns, Internets, because I'm coming back for more. I have once again been drawn in by the lure of counting my blessings during what is, for me, a particularly stressful month. And what's more, I am challenging my friends to participate with me and post something they are thankful for each day in November.

And please don't use my tendency towards long-windedness as a deterrent. A one sentence post declaring your gratitude for pumpkin pie (because, who isn't grateful for pumpkin pie?) is perfectly acceptable.

Also, I started a day late last year and so I only did 29 days of thanks. So, I'm giving you my personal permission to get a late start. Which carries absolutely no weight whatsoever, but whatever. If you do decide to participate, be sure to stop by Boogiemum's place and add your name to the linky thing.

I'm off now, to write my first gratitude post. Gluten for punishment, that's me!

Simple Gifts*

2008-10-26T19:01:00.010-04:00

I woke up this morning with an incapacitating headache. We skipped church and I spent the day horizontal and growling at my children while The Man worked outside, replacing the offending fence. It's his birthday tomorrow and I feel bad that he spent the day laboring in the sun and periodically instructing Allie to watch the Weekids so they would leave their mama alone. I was supposed to help him but just going outside left me looking for a way to clamp my head into the wood-working vise. He didn't complain about working alone, though. He never does.

Last night we went out, sans children, to celebrate his birthday. We laughed and flirted and drank adult beverages and ate too much. We were every bit a couple happy in love. I can honestly say I still enjoy going out with The Man as much as I ever have. Our dates, while now limited to a handful of times a year, make me feel pretty and funny and valued. And miraculously that hasn't been diminished by the familiarity of being married for a dozen years.

The steakhouse where we went to dinner was peppered with kids going to the local homecoming dance. One young couple sat at the table across from us and I watched them playing grown-up. Fidgety and nervous and trying too hard to look comfortable. The girl was lovely, if a bit overdone in her cocktail dress. Thin and glowing with the natural diaphanous beauty of the young. I wondered, momentarily, how we must appear to them. An overweight woman in wedges and wide legged jeans chatting comfortably with a bald (sorry, honey) man, ever casual, in jeans and a t-shirt. In a culture that values fame, money and beauty I cannot imagine they saw anything enviable in our obviously average suburbanness.

But I remember being that girl: excited and sparkly and wobbling in strapy heels. Sitting across from a boy I didn't really know. Uncomfortable with what to order. What to say. Who to be. I remember being told that I was living the best days of my life. And I am so thankful that wasn't true. Because I wouldn't trade places with her for all the taught tummies, glowing skin and nights of 12-hour-sleep in the world.

I know now that this thing I have is enviable. More enviable, I'd even dare say, than fame or money. A happy marriage. Worn and comfortable as faded flannel, but laced with moments of greatness. Moments sprung from being loved completely by someone who knows me completely and still finds me - inconceivably - worthy. I have lived long enough to realize what a rare and fragile gift that is. And how little I have done to deserve it.

Tomorrow the Weekids and I will make The Man a cake for his birthday. At dinner we'll all present him with handmade birthday cards and small gifts and lament that he had to work so hard on his big day. Later we'll sing and eat bowls of cake and ice cream during our family devotional. It won't be a big or even particularly memorable celebration. But I hope it will be enough. And he will feel appreciated and loved. Just as I do...because of him.

Diary of a Teeball Player

2008-10-22T11:50:00.014-04:00

Hit

Wait for the ball...Watch the birds...

Catch the ball...
And sometimes miss it.

Have a snack,Get the game ball.

And steal your mama's heart.

This was going to be for Wordless Wednesday, but I couldn't resist the words.

Fridays Fave 5

2008-10-17T00:01:00.010-04:00

Seeing how this blog has been all dark and wallowy lately, and that my life has pretty much been the same, I thought I could use an enforced pick-me-up. In fact, right before I sat down to write this I had just finished a loud ugly weep about how I should never have had four children because I can't be a good mama to four at once and I am a horrible wife because I asked my husband to skip going to the football game on Saturday to help me and my house is such a mess I keep tripping on things and the floor is making my feet black and I should just hide in my bedroom and eat Halloween candy until January.

I know. Pity-party much?

So I saw this at Beck's place the other day. And we all know I love all things Beck. Well, unless it involves pastry dough or cooking with yeast or celebrating 231 holidays a year. ('Cause goodness knows I can't even manage the 7 - Yes, I counted them! - I do celebrate.) I don't love those things but I love Beck for loving them and I adore her funny, heart tugging, sarcastic writing. So really, if you are one of the 3 people in the blogosphere that doesn't read her blog, you're missing out.

Anyhow, she linked to this Friday Fave 5 thing at a Blog I have never been to before. The rules state

"It can be anything that tickled your fancy over the week. Favorite quotes, posts, happenings, scriptures, recipes, pictures, etc., etc."

I love this idea. I have always found that the best medicine for my wallowy-ness is to stop and count my blessings. And this time I only have to count to five.

Because of the crazy busy week I had I was determined to make a big pan of something that we could eat as leftovers. I decided to try this new recipe that my friend Karen sent me, even though it was from Martha Stewart. I actually believe that Martha Stewart was put on this planet just to make people like me feel even worse about their domestic shortcomings. I regularly boo and hiss at her at magazine in the grocery store. But this recipe was very yummy and surprisingly simple. And it turned out so great I even took a picture. A first ever for me, a picture of food I prepared. Thanks Karen.
Lisa over at Lisa Writes, who said she was going to going on a blogging hiatus but didn't - thank goodness, wrote this post on what she has learned in her last 17 years of marriage. It really touched me.
Due to some job changes I was able to start back to Community Bible Study on Wednesday. I know that this will add even more busyness to my life but I am so excited to be returning to a wonderful program and a wonderful group of women who are passionate about digging into God's Word and finding the treasures inside.
While at CBS we were discussing Abraham and a time when he stepped outside of God's plan and put his family in danger. It is so comforting for me to see how God was able to guide him back on track and still use him in amazing ways. What can I say, Bible Stories about God doing His work through screw-ups like me; they give me hope.
Look what I got in the mail this week! I won this over at In the Trenches... and I couldn't be more excited. I have been coveting cards from Tinyprints.com ever since my Christmas Card fiasco of last year. They have gorgeous card designs and so many more choices than the places I usually shop. I can't wait to start playing with pictures for this years cards. Just have to take the pictures...but we won't talk about that. This is a post about good things.

As an aside, I was planning on using the news that Korto won Project Runway as one of my Fave 5 things for this week, but I can't because she didn't. She was robbed, I tell you, robbed. Ah well, I'm just glad it wasn't rude Kenley, (Even if I did think this dress of hers was fantastically adorable.)

It's raining, it's pouring...

2008-10-15T19:47:00.009-04:00

I would like to make it clear that my life is really not as gloomy and problematic as it may appear on this blog. I actually have a very good life and am even, regularly, quite happy. It's just that melancholy, guilt and frustration are much better muses for writing than say, happiness. Or, gag, contentedness. Nothing stifles my words quite like being content.

That being said, this past week has been rough. Rough and expensive. Or maybe rough because it was expensive.

Our septic system, which had been finicky for quite some time, backed up and knocked us all flat on our back with the smell of sewage. I think the neighbors were pleased as well. We called someone to check it out. $1650 and some attractive new landscaping later, and the problem was solved. Hurrah. I will say that Ben was so beside himself with glee at an actual backhoe digging up our backyard that he jumped up and down on our deck shouting "I love construction workers!" repeatedly. Really, how often do septic repairman have real live screaming fans? You'd have thought we could have at least received the cute kid discount.

Our van, which had been finicky for quite some time, also decided to turn things up a notch by occasionally failing to break when you pressed the pedal. Oh, they kicked in eventually but not before you found yourself thanking God that you never did stick to that diet since you were now going to die at the age of 33.

So, after picking my heart up off the pavement one too many times, we brought the van into the shop. Two weeks, 3 different mechanics and $3000 later and they called us to tell us we can pick it up tomorrow. Oh and two weeks with one vehicle that won't even hold our entire family has added a little something special to our hectic schedule. Something like insanity.

And then finally, today, we received a letter from our Home Owner's Association letting us know that we are in violation of our covenants and they expect us to repair and fix our fence. Really, I'm not sure what the problem is. Maybe it's this hole in the fence where the dog is always escaping.

Nah. I think the classy and cleverly placed piece of wood concealed that.

Maybe it was because when they drove by the other day it looked like this:

Ah yes, it's true. We are those neighbors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Warning: If you ever have a week like this and someone, say a customer service representative from Costume Express, calls you to tell you the pirate costume you ordered a week ago is actually sold out, you should probably just hang up on them immediately. If you don't you may find yourself yelling at the poor foreign girl and then bursting into tears and apologizing. You know, hypothetically.

Warning 2: If you ever have a week like this and you happen to have two bags of M&Ms in your pantry that you bought to send into your kids school...you will need to buy them again.

PSA- GONE

2008-10-12T19:27:00.007-04:00

Decided to delete the snarky post. It's a small world and I wasn't feeling good about it. They weren't exactly God Honoring words. I left the blurb about blogging neglect though, since I expect that will be true through December.

*********************
And, if I haven't been by your place lately I'm sorry. I am hoping my life will eventually slow down so I can catch up, but I'm not optomistic that will happen anytime soon. If it makes you feel any better I have real life friends and relatives that I am neglecting as well.

Four Exciting Events in our Day-

2008-10-11T19:00:00.007-04:00

A Game Ball-
Our little Rookie Pirate was awarded the game ball at his T-ball game today. This sounds a bit more significant than it actually is. Every player is awarded a game ball at some point in the season. The coach tries to pick a week when they have done particularly well but next week is our last game. You can read between the lines here: Our Ben makes up in enthusiasm for what he lacks in focus and talent.

Unfortunately this mama wasn't even there to see him receive it. I had to miss the game this morning to accompany Allie to an audition. Ben was so excited he couldn't wait to tell me about his award. It almost made me rethink all my rants on going back to merit based awards. Merit-shmerit...that was one happy four year old. He even told me he made "five big hits!" I didn't have the heart to mention that each player only bats two times.

I'm sorry to say that due to my absence there was no photo to commemorate the occasion. I'm planning on staging one at the next game though. I'll post the fake game-ball-shot next week.

An Audition-
Allison auditioned for All State Chorus this morning. This is the first year she was eligible to audition. She had to sing a solo, scales and then the judges gave her some tonal memory to repeat and some music she had to site-read. She is competing with students all over Georgia for a place in the state choir in Savannah. The whole thing is a pretty nerve wracking experience but she was completely composed. Unlike her mama. We don't know if she made it through this first audition yet, but I have never seen her work so hard to prepare for something. She's been drilling herself on site-reading for a month. Regardless of the outcome, I am exceptionally proud of my hard-working girl.

Last Minute Shopping-
After Allie's audition we ran to the mall to try to find her a dress for her voice-recital this afternoon. As of today she has officially outgrown the children's department.

I would like to pause at this time for a moment of silence.

I think there is now a trail of tears in Dillards leading from the Children's to the Junior's department. It's a sad, sad day. Do you know how much more money junior's clothes cost?

A Recital-
Lastly, Allie had her fall recital today where she performed her All-State audition piece. Not surprisingly, she did a lovely job. Here's a few photos I took of her there in her new size 3 dress. At least I won't have to stage these pictures. It would be hard to fake the amazing piano in the background. I think I managed to wipe all my drool off of it before we left.

Oh, and Allie has been in this "I don't want like to show my teeth when I smile" phase for a little while now. And by a little while I mean like two years. So that's why she always looks like she is channeling Mona Lisa.

Shameless Posting of my Kid

2008-10-02T20:58:00.003-04:00

Veggie Tales ala Ben.

I especially love how his voice cracks at the end. It makes me all misty.

Status Report - October.

2008-09-29T23:04:00.003-04:00

My friend Lisa does these status reports at her place when she is struggling with what to write. I have no idea if this idea originated with her as I have seen it on other blogs as well. Either way, I'm filching it, and it's not even Friday. My problem isn't so much not having anything to say, as having time to say it. Or at least to say it well. Assuming that's something I ever actually accomplish. So here goes,

I'm:

Sitting...at the desk in our dining room. Which, as it is the location of our only computer, is not surprising. (There is talk of Santa bringing me a laptop though. Then I could start blogging any old place. The living room. The kitchen. Maybe even the bedroom. Shocking.)

Smelling...The chicken pesto pizza we had for dinner. I think we have had this once a week for all of September. It's just so easy and Ben and Clara love to help make it. There is something about watching Ben meticulously place each piece of chicken while Clara just piles on the cheese into little mozzarella mountains that feels like what motherhood is actually supposed to be about. But so seldom is.

Listening...To squeals of laughter as Brandon wrestles with the Weekids in the other room. Brandon (poor kid) is grounded again. The positive aspect of this is he spends a lot of time hanging out with his younger siblings. Resulting in me actually having time to write this post.

Drinking...Diet coke which will magically turn into chardonnay when The Man gets off work in 30 minutes.

Reading...The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. I'll withhold my official review until I finish it but so far I'm impressed. While eerie and compelling in it's own right, I think it's biggest appeal may be the way it pays tributes to classics. Jane Eyre, Rebecca, Wuthering Heights, Great Expectations... A book for those who love books.

Also reading...Prayer, Does It Make a Difference? by Phillip Yancey. Not too far into this one yet.

Also Reading...Little Women. I am actually reading this aloud to Allie. I try to read the classics to her because they move so much more slowly than contemporary fiction that I'm not sure she would finish them without me. In a world of young adult books such as Twilight, The Uglies, and Aragon I fear she's growing up with a very short literary attention span. Classic literature may never be her thing, but it won't be for lack of trying on my part.

Loving...That fall has brought Pumpkin Spice Lattes back into my life.

Dreading...The Holidays. I saw Christmas decorations at Cosco today and my blood pressure immediately started climbing.

Eagerly anticipating....Heroes! I have last week's premier and this week's episode on DVR and the moment the kids are their beds I am climbing into my own for a Heroes marathon. So excited! I am also pretty excited that Iron Man came out on DVD this week because I missed it in the theater. I'm such a dork.

Worrying...way too much. This thing with the bailout and the stock market is making me so nauseous I had to keep the news off today. I'm wondering WHY we are still out of gas everywhere. The election mess. The economy is affecting everyone. The Man is barraged with calls from customers he put with AIG. Even my job just changed due to low enrollment at the preschool. I had to say goodbye to my 3-year-olds today (Sad!) and I am now working with babies in mother's morning out. It also means Clara is changing days and classes. And now I have to worry if the Hadron Collider is going to end the world. (OK, I'm not actually worried about that because of, well, you know...Jesus.)

Wishing...that I could convince Brandon to learn from my mistakes instead of making his own.

Also wishing...that I could guard Allie's heart from ever again feeling the ache of rejection.

Praying...a lot.

Grateful...for so much, I have a beautiful life. But right now, especially for my husband who works really, really hard yet still can't wait to get off work every night and play his games with Ben before he goes to bed. And who never complains about messy houses, or empty sock drawers, or missed appointments, or pounds I just can't get off, or two much time on the computer. God Bless Him.

Sharing...This silly The Office/Veggie Tales video that made me smile!

Sigh. I heart Jim and Pam.

A work in progress, very slooow progress.

2008-09-23T19:36:00.004-04:00

I believe I owe the sweet, sweet people who read this blog an apology. Apparently my dramatic late-night ruminations have led some of my loved ones to fear I may be on the verge of driving the ol'minivan off a cliff. The simple truth is that I am just overwhelmed by the responsibilities in my life right now. I doubt there is a mother, a woman even, in America that doesn't feel this way from time to time. Right now, I need to be meticulously organized just to keep my head above water. Me, for whom organization is the great white whale of my existence. And so things are slipping. Lots of things. And I have fallen into a bout of self-hatred induced melancholia. It's not a new place for me. Nor is it a particularly useful one.

It's hard at these times not to wish I was someone different. Someone who doesn't frantically try to locate school forms the morning (or the morning after) they are due. Someone who always remembers doctor's appointments and to wash the orange shirt for "orange day." Someone who actually knows where the hair bow is that matches Clara's apple dress. Someone who's husband never has to say "I'm out of clean socks. Again."

Our verse for September in preschool and in 3-year-old-choir happens to be the same one: Psalms 139:14 "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Lately I have been thinking of that verse a lot. The whole verse actually reads:

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I praise my God for my husband. I praise my God for my children. For my friends, for the weather, for watermelons and rainclouds and strong coffee. I look for reasons to praise Him every single day. But I feel certain I have never offered Him a single acclamation for the wonderful way he made me. Because - probably like a lot of people - I spend a lot of energy wishing He had made me differently.

But He didn't. This has been my personality, these have been my shortcomings, for as long as I can remember. For some reason (and I really would like to discuss this with Him) He designed me - knitted me together - to be this flighty, emotional, undisciplined mess. Well, OK, the mess part may have been my addition but I was undisciplined and disorganized at age 5. I'm sure of it.

Which leads me to believe that God can use me for His glory just the way he created me. That, in fact, I should be offering praises for being fearfully and wonderfully made. Praises that he can take not-nearly-enough-me right where I am and use me despite of, or maybe even because of, my flaws. Because God, he's not just in the habit of molding pots. He also the maker of the clay. Lumpy and ugly and hard to handle, but with a potential only he can see.

Hmmm... It's an amazing thought.

And now, I wish I could end this post with a divine revelation on how exactly God is going to do this in my life. But honestly, I got nothin'. I'm still tired and overwhelmed and I don't see that changing in the near future. And, I'm still a bit down because of it. So for now, I'm just going to keep doing what I am doing: Trying to get organized. Praying that God will help me keep these balls in the air or maybe just give me permission to drop one.

But I do feel like I have learned something. That I may have taken a step away from my old home in the land of comparison and self loathing and towards a place of hope. And I believe that those small steps are really what this journey is all about.

So fear not friends I won't be slitting my wrists with that tardy permission slip any time soon. Besides, I couldn't...I have no idea where it is.

But I have promises to keep,...

2008-09-22T23:16:00.005-04:00

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
~Robert Frost

It's been a frustrating kind of day today. Crammed full of errands that, while necessary, made me feel as if I had accomplished nothing but another 100 miles on the minivan. To work. To school. To the store for just-enough-to-get-us-by. To the dermatologist for Brandon followed by the lab for blood work. (It's $100 cheaper at the lab.) To the dentist to pick up a book Allison left there last week for she simply-must-know-how-it-ends. (And how could I ignore that request?) To the jewelry store to pick up a ring I had re-sized. An important ring - the most important - unworn since sometime before Clara's birth. The resizing itself a concession to one more area where I can't seem to get my act together.

And I am tired.

Tired from the defeat of one too many balls shattering at my feet. One too many forms turned in late, one too many phone calls from teachers. Too many appointments rescheduled or missed altogether. And too many children calling my name, needing my time and I... just me. Just one. Too many angry words and "not now"s. Too many broken promises to finally get organized. Too much being not quite enough.

Not. quite. enough. Not quite good enough for this job that I have. Mother of four. Keeper of the home. Fulfiller of needs and dreams. His and theirs. It's an ugly voice that whispers to me tonight. And it's words are so familiar I know them by heart. Words that chant, "I'm failing. Oh Lord, I'm failing."

And so I will go now and pray. Pray to The One, who promises to be more than sufficient, that He will help me be simply enough. Just for tomorrow to be enough and not let them down. Him and the people that are counting on me.

How did I come to have so many people counting on me?

Because right now I just feel small and unworthy. And tired. Really tired.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." ~Matthew 11:28-29

Homecoming - A Flashback Post

2008-09-22T00:15:00.003-04:00

We arrived too late to the first location. We were misinformed of the time. The group had already left to catch a reservation; an inauspicious beginning to an evening already ripe with nervousness. Driving too fast, we followed her father's directions to the restaurant. We were both rattled by the change in plans and didn't speak much. He fidgeted with his tie. The few words we exchanged were brittle with feigned optimism.

We pulled into the restaurant and saw the group of gangly teenagers at once. The girls, like colorful birds, flitted about showing off strappy heels and inappropriately deep necklines. I couldn't help but notice how they were constantly touching each other in the way we only do when we are young. The boys slouched in starched shirts and neckties attempting to pull of nonchalant confidence. All of them covering their their awkwardness with silliness, and sarcastic barbs delivered without malice.

I noticed her immediately. He told me she would be in red. A pretty little girl in a shiny red dress. Her overdone hair and make-up beguiling her fifteen years of age. We got out of the car and approached her. I could feel the insecurity radiating from him. I tried to will confidence into the tall boy beside me. She greeted us with a grin and reached up to hug him. He patted her back uncomfortably and then she turned to me. We introduced ourselves with overbright smiles. Each of us assessing. Evaluating.

Then, in an awkward gesture, my son shoved a clear plastic box into her hand.

"Here's your flower."

I laughed as gently as possible, attempting to ease his tension and said, "No silly. You can't just give her the box" I removed the corsage, red to match her dress, and handed it to him. He looked a little stricken and she stepped in to rescue him.

"Will you put it on me?" She proceeded kindly to show him how it went on her wrist. Obviously more familiar with this routine than he was, she did her best to make him comfortable. I could have kissed her.

I asked if I could take their picture, as we had missed the photo time earlier at the house. I snapped a couple shots and then asked some questions about how they would be getting to the dance. She indicated two of the slouching boys and pointed out their luxury cars, obviously borrowed for the occasion.

My heart skipped a beat.

We had talked about this. He had assured me adults would be driving, that no one in their group was old enough to drive. He knows my rules. Was he lying to me or was this this just another last minute change? I stammered a moment and was unable to catch his eye. His awkwardness got the best of me and I nodded. I told them to have fun, reminded him to call me when the dance was over, and went back to my car.

And I sat there.

What had just happened?

I am not the mother that wavers on my rules. I call and drill other parents before parties. I drive to the football games to pick him up when the boy across the street could have driven him home, because he has only had his license for 6 months. And yet, in that moment. I couldn't do it. I knew what it would mean to him, singling him out in that way. Forbidding him to go with the group. I caved. Was I showing grace or weakness? I still am not sure.

I drove home praying all the way. For his protection. For his choices. For his heart.

He called me when the dance was over and I went to pick him up. His date had gone on without him to an after-party. He had asked on the phone if he could go as well and I said no. It was already almost midnight and we had never met the parents. He acquiesced without a fight.

When we arrived home he immediately went downstairs to change. Then he plopped down in the chair in the living room, dressed again in his familiar t-shirt and basketball shorts. His foray into the world of dating and adulthood over, for now.

And I think it's possible we were both relieved.
***********
I wrote this post last year after Brandon's Softmore Homecoming. His Junior Homecoming was this weekend. This year, he opted out. He's not dating anyone and decided he'd just rather hang out with some of his friends instead. I didn't push it. He seemed sure if his decision and in a way I was relieved. He's an outwardly funny guy, but deep down he's shy. And those kind of awkward social situations are hard for him. Camping out at our house with his friends playing basketball and video games, eating our food and destroying our basement was just easier for him. And it was a good bit easier on this mama's heart as well.

"And I can see Russia from my house!"

2008-09-14T20:56:00.005-04:00

For the most part I have a no-politics-on-this-blog policy here at Joy in Chaos. But, for the record, I am still not sure what side of the fence I fall on in the Sarah Palin debate.

I do, however, feel strongly that Tina Fey rocks.

Dear Ike, Please leave my friends alone.

2008-09-12T15:20:00.005-04:00

The biggest effect (should this be affect? I'm not sure) this blog has had on my life was the most unexpected. Because of the time I spend here, I now have slivers of my heart spread across North America, and even the world. People, friends, whose faces I have only gazed on two-dimensionally. Their words, funny, and heartbreaking, silly and sarcastic, introspective and mundane have carved a place in me. And I now care about you all in a way that must seem disproportionate.

As I result, I watch Ike looming with even more anxiety. With a hand clenched around my stomach that now feels personal. Worrying about homes I have never seen and people I think I know. If you are being affected by this storm, please know that my heart is with you, my prayers are for you, and I wish, desperately there was something I could do.

But, please, please keep yourself safe. This world, my world, would be a little dimmer without you.

Not really a break, but kinda.

2008-09-10T23:52:00.002-04:00

I wasn't really planning on taking a blogging break, but it's been nearly a week since my last post so I guess I have. I seem to have lost my writing mojo to the time-sucking vortex that is back-to school. My free time is currently being limited by a need for sleep. I do, however, take occasional late night breaks to rewash clothes I have let mildew in the washer or wallow in guilt at what I have forgotten that day. Like attending Brandon's open house (the first time ever) or sending Clara's "favorite toy" to share at school.

I also pop onto Facebook and Twitter daily where I am forced to keep my news below 140 characters which fits my current time restraints perfectly. If you're feeling left out, my updates there tend to fluctuate between "I love my awesome kids/life/husband" and "Where did we hide the booze?"

So, see? You're all caught up. I'll be back here soon. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. But eventually.

And, stupid Ike, fizzle and die already! I'm praying for you my Texas friends. I mean it, stay safe.

Happy September

2008-09-05T08:57:00.012-04:00

This week Ben, Clara and I all started preschool. Ben's first day was Tuesday and to say he was excited wouldn't really cover the -I have to wake up at the crack of dawn and put on my backpack and wait and whine and wait - fervor we had going on around here.

This was his third year at the same small Baptist preschool and he walked in like he owned the place. This will be his last year before he starts kindergarten. I feel blessed that he has been able to transition into elementary school these last few years in such a wonderful God-filled environment.

Clara, however, went into hysterics the moment Ben got out of the car and left her behind. Her heartbreaking screams of "Want Boo Boo! Want Boo Boo!" brought me to tears. It took me a full thirty minutes, and some serious diversion bribes, after we got home to get her to stop crying.

The next day went better. Clara started in her own 2-year-old class two mornings a week. And I started working in a 3-year-old class those same mornings. Clara wasn't really into the whole picture taking thing though.

She was much happier to run around with her brother.

Her brother was just happy that his mama actually made it out to the store and bought him a new back to school outfit. Something she didn't get around to before his first day. Poor #3 child.
Clara did great on her first day of preschool. My stomach was in knots all day worrying about her but she didn't seem to miss me at all. Her class and mine shared the playground and I expected her to melt down when she saw me. But, nope, she just said "Hi MOMMY!" excitedly and went back to playing.

Is it wrong that I wanted her to miss me as much as she missed her brother?

Here she is playing in the housekeeping center in my class.

The start of school this year has been a little hard for me. All my kids are doing great and are happier in their new structured schedules. Clara and I - once she gets over her screaming - are actually enjoying a little one-on-one time. She's so different without Ben to ~~torture~~ play with.

But the insanity of overfull schedules and too much time in the van has descended upon us as it does each September. And I know that it will not abate for the next four months. That the sports and lessons and back-to-school meetings of the fall will morph right into the even greater busyness of The Holidays. And before I know it I will have lost another whole season.

And these days, right now, with my littlest ones so excited to be learning letters and colors, days of the week and Bible Songs, feel exquisite and fleeting. And tonight as I was sitting with my family at our weekly Friday night dinner, looking at my rowdy, happy family around me I felt overwhelmed with gratitude. And I just hope I can remember when the stress of life settles around me, to stop and find time to bask in these moments. Before they slip away and I wish I had.

Happy September my friends. I have a beautiful life. May I never forget it.

All the Beautiful Silliness...

2008-09-03T19:53:00.004-04:00

I am going to get the back-to-school pics up soon, I swear.

But in the meantime here's a little silliness from tonight. I wish the video wasn't so dark, because they were both so darn cute, dancing to Clara's very favorite song. "Happy Birthday, Princess."

And yeah, my house is a mess. Shocking.

A Suburbian Fairy Tale

2008-08-31T23:42:00.021-04:00

Once upon a time there was a little princess. She was beautiful and sassy and, as princesses tend to be, accustomed to getting her way. The princess' mommy - whom I suppose would be the Queen despite long ago abdicating all authority to the princess - dressed her in a lovely dress and matching hat for her afternoon play.

(The Queen wanted to take pictures of the princess in this particular outfit because her sister-in-law and niece had given it to her months ago and she had been shamefully remiss in thanking them.)

The princess' afternoon started off well. She was aware she looked particularly beautiful in her finery and she strutted about the yard showing off to anyone fortunate enough to be in her presence.

But then, something across the yard caught the princess' eye.

It was a handsome knight upon a steed of many colors. The knight was wearing his own hat which she immediately deemed superior to her own.

The princess let her will be known.

.

And the knight, being kind of heart and gentle in spirit (and more than a little afraid of the wrath of the princess) dismounted from his steed and gave his helmet to the princess.

The princess was immediately happy at having her demands met and resumed her deceptively sweet and adorable demeanor as she attempted to don the helmet.

Upside down.

After which, she also confiscated the knight's steed for herself.

For five minutes. Until she, also in the manner of all princesses, changed her mind and decided she didn't really want the helmet or the steed at all and went off to find something else to do.

The end.

(Thanks Aunt Lynn & Taylor for the lovely outfit. We love it and she wears it all the time!)

~~~~~~~

Despite the silly nature of this post, my heart is heavy with worries about all those in Gustav's path. I am praying fervently for you and hope the morning will find you all safe.

Meme-liciousness

2008-08-27T18:13:00.007-04:00

My real life friend (I do have those, I swear) Kelly, tagged me for a meme recently. And since my well of inspiration is, as usual, quite shallow I thought it was as good a time as ever to resort back to "Random Facts":

3 random facts:

I have a strong aversion to chewing gum. I think the idea of something that you chew and chew and then eventually spit back out is monumentally disgusting. I hate the sound of someone chewing gum. Even the smell gives me the heebie jeebies.
By nature I can be sarcastic, opinionated and, well, a wee bit snarky. I try to suppress these traits because, for the most part, I do not find them to God honoring. So I fight a constant battle to obtain the kind, gentle, quiet nature of a Godly woman. But sometimes, it's just really hard.
I eat my food one item at a time. It's a rule. I can't be hopping back and forth between the sandwich and the chips or the potatoes and the veggies. That's just craziness.

3 current obsessions:

Blogging and Facebook and Twitter, Oh my! I may require an intervention for my out-of-control addiction to my online communities. I mean does everyone really need to know what I am doing every minute of every day? Apparently I think they do.
Food. I have been on a diet for the last 5-6 weeks. I have lost 10 pounds, put a couple back on, and am now working at losing it again so I can then lose 30 more. But whether I am working my way up or down the scale, food is constantly on my mind.
This coat from Project Runway last night. OK, maybe not technically an obsession. But Korto made this entire thing from Saturn seat belts. Seat belts, people! And I would totally pay tons and tons of money for one like it. You know, except for the fact that I am a broke mother of four who got her last coat for $7 at a consignment store. But whatever. It's awesome.

3 goals:

Weight Loss, obviously.
To decide what I want to do ~~when I grow up~~ when my kids grow up.
To make time for God, just God, one on one, Every. Single. Day.

3 fears:

Drowning (I have this illogical fear of bodies of water like lakes and oceans. Especially oceans.)
Something happening to The Man or my kids.
Being lukewarm in my faith and passing that on to my children.

3 joys:

Coffee.
Comments on my blog.
Observing my children finding joy in each other. This is not always the case, especially with the older ones, but when it happens it makes everything else seem worth it.
Listening to my children pray.
Coffee
Singing with my preschoolers. With other people's preschoolers. With kids in general. I just love how carefree and uninhibited they are about moving and making music when they are little. I wish we could stay like that. Just break into song or dance whenever we feel like it. I do this occasionally. My older kids love it. (That was that sarcastic thing coming out again.)
Every night when the kids go to bed and The Man and I spend time together just the two of us. I know that I am extraordinarily blessed in my marriage and I try to never take my happiness (or his) for granted.
Oh, and coffee.

Yeah. That was more than 3 joys. I'm a rebel like that.

Twelve

2008-08-25T08:47:00.011-04:00

It was Allison's twelfth birthday on Sunday. The festivities were low-key. Taylor coming to spend the weekend. Another trip to Medieval Times. A cake. A couple gifts. She's decided to forgo any kind of large birthday party the last couple years claiming "There's always too much drama." And once again I am amazed at how wise she is, and how much she knows her own mind.

Unfortunately, the last couple years have forced to realize that even she is not immune from insecurities. She came home from school last week confiding that she feels lonely. In one of her classes no one wants to be her partner. She repeatedly asks the girls around her but they say "We're full" and she is left alone to be put with whomever has an empty spot.

"It makes me feel like crying" she confessed in a small voice.

I searched for the words I was supposed to say. Something comforting and parental.

"It's their loss"

"Don't take it personally, Honey. You have lots of friends who love you."

"Everyone feels like this sometimes. Maybe you could look for someone else in your class that might be in the same situation."

When she left with a sigh to go downstairs my stomach was twisted in knots. I would have given so much to spare her the rejection that characterized my own middle school years. To never have her feel unwanted or to wonder if she isn't good enough.

But then, later the same night she confided in me again. Several boys in her class like her. One of them even asked her out. And my stomach did a different kind of flip as I asked her what she said. Concentrating on my voice to keep it casual.

"Ugh! I said NO, Mo-om. Boys my age are all stupid and annoying."

"Oh." I said fighting back a grin. "Well, I hope you weren't mean."

"No. I just told him that I don't date anymore."

Anymore? And I couldn't contain my smile at that. Because the previous dating she was referring to was a "boyfriend" she had for five minutes sometime last year.
~~~~~~~~

I lay in bed last night contemplating this dichotomy. Rejection on one hand. Rejecting on the other. And I suspect this will always be the case for her. She believes so fiercely in her right to be who she is. To like the things that she likes even if no one else does. And reversely she refuses to pretend, or even consider, to be interested in things she's not.

And while I believe overall this is a positive trait, it also gets her into trouble. Other kids find her odd, or immature, or standoffish with all her rules. Even her own friends occasionally get frustrated with her unwillingness to compromise. And I struggle with teaching her the difference between considering others points of views and compromising her own.

Mostly though, I am proud.

Proud of my strong, sensitive, occasionally sassy, twelve-year-old girl who believes in her right to dislike leggings, bikinis, make-up, and pop-music. Who loves hippie clothes and fairy tales, Broadway and I Love Lucy. Who still enjoys playing with dollhouses and dressing-up. Who never wants to have to drive a car but can't wait to wear high-heeled shoes. Who thinks her dad is the perfect guy and wants to marry someone just like him someday.

I love the girl she has become.
And miss the one she used to be.
1999

Happy Birthday to my Sunshine. I can't wait to see what your future holds.

*Note: While Allie is not a typical twelve-year-old in many respects she is still twelve. Which is to say she has started to share Brandon's disdain for ~~everything I do~~ having her life shared on my blog. As a result this will probably be the last introspective Allison post for quite a while. I'm going to try to respect her wishes and stick to just newsy stuff. And maybe a little bragging now and then.

A public apology

2008-08-21T09:37:00.005-04:00

To the woman at the mall who carried her son kicking and screaming out of the play place after an all out war to get his shoes back on...

To the girlfriend who's daughter wailed for a banana and then threw it in her face shrieking "DON'T WANT DAT!" when she gave it to her...

To the mommy at the playground whose child walked up and smacked my son unprovoked...

To the lady at Chick-fil-A with the 2-year-old who pitched an all out fit because you wouldn't stand there and open and close the door for her to go in and out, in an out for an hour...

Or the mom whose child runs up to other children and screams in their face for the fun of it...

Or the one whose adorable little girl threw her milk on the floor because it wasn't "chocowate"...

Or the mother whose toddler spends all t-ball practice wailing that she "WANT TO GO HOME!"...

Or the parents of the many little ones who are determined to pitch a fit no matter how hard you try to pacify their ever changing demands...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for every judgmental, eye-rolling thought I ever had about your parenting skills. For assuming you were lazy or unwilling to discipline your children. I have walked in your shoes now, and I too am at a loss as to how to parent my contrary tornado of a child.

And to God...

Who gave us charge of this beautiful strong-willed spirit, I'm sorry for thinking I could do it on my own. I'm sorry for having the nerve to think that my other gentle, mostly compliant children were a result of something we did right. Please forgive my pride, forgive my feelings of superiority and self-sufficiency.

And, God, just so you know, I've learned my lesson now. I've eaten a huge portion of humble pie. I know now that my patience is inadequate, my temper is short and my wisdom is clearly insufficient. I need Your help. Really. I get it,

I swear.

My adorable lesson in humility.

Summer's End

2008-08-17T20:22:00.008-04:00

Labor day is still two weeks away. The days when the temperatures top off below ninety are rare and lovely treats. It's dusk now, and the cicadas and fireflies have come out to welcome the dark. Flip-flops. Tank-tops. Bug Spray. Children with red-brown skin and hair bleached unnaturally blonde by the sun. Everything alive croons 'summer.' Lazy and sticky and slow.

But in our home, in defiance of nature, summer has come crashing to an end. My older children started back to school last Monday. All four of them moved up a grade in Sunday School this morning. Choir resumed after the summer break. Voice lessons. T-ball. Football Season. Open Houses. The calendar fills up despite my efforts. Two entries tomorrow. Four the next day.

And more than anything else, for me, the end of summer is heralded by a familiar tightening in my stomach. A brain that lurches back to a higher gear. Weight settling back on my shoulders. Normally the result of trying to balance new schedules. Of anxiety about new grades and teachers and friends. It's why I dread the end of summer most of all. Laziness and boredom displaced by a too-fast pace that won't slow down 'til January.

And this year these feeling are compounded by change. In a couple weeks, Clara will go to preschool for the very first time. And, as a result, tomorrow I start a job. Two mornings a week teaching at my children's preschool to offset the cost of their tuition. A small thing, I know. Assisting with the teaching, managing, guiding of a dozen three-year-olds for nine hours a week. Certainly, nothing to have anxiety about. But for the first time in over four years, I will have a boss. Set hours that I am expected to be somewhere, sans my own children. To meet the expectations of others, outside of my home, for compensation.

A job.

And suddenly, today, as I am arranging childcare for my own Open House next week, I am a hit with the jitters. Not sure if I remember how to be a grown-up. And really, it barely qualifies. I am working with 3-year-olds. I don't even have to change out of my mom-iform of capris and flip-flops. It's a baby-step at best.

But still, I know it's the first step of many, out of this cocoon of tiny children with their all encompassing needs. To the place where their time away from me will stretch to hours everyday. And I will be forced to become someone else again. Someone no longer defined by the constant presence of her preschool children. And right now, the night before, that baby step feels a little too big.

And a little too soon.

A Vote-UPDATED

2008-08-15T11:25:00.011-04:00

This week I joined MySpace and Facebook at the urging of some friends who participate in one or the other. If you ask me to join Twitter, I will decline because 1) I still am not certain I understand what it actually is and 2) it would likely be the final step to hurl me so far down the internet rabbit hole I may never be seen in my real life again.

Anyway, I decided it was time to try to ignore the weight situation (Yes, I am still on the stupid diet) and take a current picture of myself for the sole purpose of plastering it all over the internet in bloggy, myspace, facebook, goodreads profiles. I attempted it this morning and while I can't say I love any of the pictures, I have come up with two that I can live with.

So pick one for me bloggy friends. And trolls, please be kind. My self esteem is a fragile thing these days.

Choice A
Choice B

The Man has expressed his vote, but I'll hold off on telling you what it is. And yes, the fabulous Nikki cut my hair again last week. But I actually paid her this time. Imagine that.

Update
Well, obviously picture A won. I will now confess that The Man also preferred picture A and I was leaning towards picture B because I thought it better represented my personality. In fact he thought picture A so far superior he couldn't imagine anyone would vote for B. So thanks to those of you who did, for not making him completely unbearable. I am going to go with the masses on this one though, at least for now.

For the record, The Man also thought this whole blog post was a bit vain. Perhaps he was right about that too. But I'll never admit it.

This time last year...

2008-08-13T09:37:00.004-04:00

For Wordless Wednesday

I am happy to announce that Ben has grown up a lot and no longer does this. He would never put on socks and tennies just to raid the fridge now that he's four.

Annual Mug Shots

2008-08-11T13:31:00.006-04:00

Well I am back from my Anniversary weekend to Asheville. It was pure awesomeness. Because the truth is, The Man and I are still nauseatingly in love.
Especially when we are away for the weekend with no kids, and no responsibilities and beautiful weather and wine and hotel housekeeping to come behind us and pick up all our messes.

*******

The older Chaotic Kids started back to school today. Which meant they were forced to be subjected to their annual first day of school photographs. The pictures are always stiff and it is apparent, I think, that they both find this ritual annoying.

I can't help but think that someday, however, they will appreciate having them.

Brandon is starting is Junior year of high school.
He's 6'1" now and is sporting a tangerine Polo shirt, navy shorts and Brown Loafers. Outfit circa 1983.
His picture would have been outside as well, however he catches the bus at 6:20 in the morning, WHEN ITS STILL DARK OUTSIDE. Daylight Savings or not.

Allison is starting Seventh Grade.
She refused to smile for her picture despite the fact that I spent the twenty minutes prior flat ironing her hair. Pained expression notwithstanding she has been beside herself with excitement at starting back to school. She stands about 5' even and is wearing a 1960's inspired polka-dot baby-doll top with matching blue flip-flops.

For point of reference, and to see what a ridiculous sap I was, last years edition of the annual back-to-school mugshots is here.

Did you believe me?

2008-08-05T18:39:00.005-04:00

When I swore I would take a break, did you buy it?

I meant it when I said it. I did. But then this girl:

(Before)

This girl, who every six months for the last six years walks into her salon and says "Just take off a few inches" decided today. On a complete whim.

To do this:

(After)

And in 30 minutes she aged 5 years.

My heart squeezes in my chest, each time I look at her now. It's amazing how something simple like a haircut can send the years leaping forward.

She turns twelve this month but it didn't really hit me until today. But she's still in there. That little girl of mine. Taller. Sassier. Moodier. But definitely still there.

Even with her ~~stupid~~ cute grown up haircut.

I'm taking a break now. I swear.

2008-08-03T23:39:00.008-04:00

I am supposed to be on a blogging break. Which, ironically, I am finding difficult despite the fact that I could barely find a minute to blog prior to declaring the need for time off. Apparently, the best cure for lack of blogging time or inspiration is to swear off blogging. I was immediately besieged with things I felt I must share with the Internets.

For example, I discovered, while back to school shopping with Allie on Friday, that my mall now has one of these stores. Honestly, I got so excited just walking by it, I almost couldn't contain myself. And I nearly came home and wrote an ode to my make-up fetish, and specifically my 5 year long obsession with all things Bare Escentuals. But I didn't.

At least not until now.

However, this week really will be terribly busy and I doubt I will get another post in until I return from my anniversary mini-vacation with The Man. (Although I can't swear another pressing topic like mineral make-up or work-out wardrobe malfunctions won't arise.)

I am proud to say, I am making great progress on the house cleaning front. My mother-in-law will actually be able to find my bed now without tripping on a single thing. Even in the dark! I am sure this news comes as a great relief to her.

So I leave you now with pictures of the Weekids and their cousins at the pool this week. It is a joy to know that while we have have accomplished nothing else this summer, we managed to get Ben happily off the steps and into the pool.
Praise God for water wings.
Next summer, we'll work on Clara.

If...

2008-07-31T16:59:00.005-04:00

If...in the name of the stupid diet (which is still working so slowly you could barely call it working) you decided to do a workout video this afternoon...

If...once you decided this, you put on your workout pants with the missing drawstring that you have had since 1999. (because goodness knows you haven't worked out enough between now and then to warrant purchasing new ones.)

If...once you started working out you became infuriated with the peppy workout instructor who insists that salsa is really just two steps: forward, back, forward, back and makes it look easy and sassy when you just look like a panting hippo.

If...you then started hurling inappropriate phrases at said workout instructor and finally decided to turn off the video and try something easier. Like walking.

If...you at this point realized that your workout pants were now actually around your lower buttocks-region. And you didn't even notice because you were wearing tummy-sucking granny panties that went way above your belly button. You know, because you can't stand the feeling of a jiggling tummy during exercise.

If...this happened to you...

You would be very, very happy for your "absolutely no other people allowed in the basement during mommy's workout under penalty of death" policy.

Just thought you should know.

2008-07-30T13:34:00.002-04:00

Do you guys know Lori? She went on a rant today that hit very close to home for this mom of two adolescents.

Thanks Lori. You're my hero.

I Surrender

2008-07-30T00:12:00.005-04:00

I have been trying very hard not to be on a blogging break. And failing. Desperately. Because school starts back for my two older children in two weeks. And suddenly I am trying to cram in summer's last hurrah between haircuts and trips to shop for clothes and shoes and three ring binders. And preparing my first 3-year-old choir lesson. And scheduling voice lessons and t-ball practices. And my brain is spinning like a top.

And I am planning a trip out of town for my anniversary next weekend. Which is to say that I have decided we are going out of town for our anniversary next weekend, but am still not certain where. But I am certain my mother-in-law is coming to stay here. In my house for the weekend. And sleep in my bed. And that means she must be able to find my bed amid the piles of clothes and books and craft supplies and shoes and toys-to-be-passed-down that currently surround it. And so I must clean.

A LOT.

And it is possible that when next Friday night comes The Man and I will get in the car and drive and still not know where we are going or staying. And that will be okay. Because the only voices in the car will be our own. And wherever we stay will not need to have a fridge for milk or a portable crib or a pullout sofa. We'll only need the one bed, thank you.

And the rest of it won't really matter.

But for now. I am defeated. Chaos reigns supreme.

I'll see you when I come up for air.

Happy Linking (UPDATED)

2008-07-27T23:13:00.007-04:00

I've been working on another post all weekend with no progress. I have rewritten the first two paragraphs three times. So while my writer's block and I are hashing it out, I thought I would leave you with some links of things that made me smile this week.

Have you seen this movie? It's about a man who goes a little crazy and falls in love with a life-sized doll. Totally bizarre. But also, I thought, kind of wonderful.

This column by the amazing Julie Berry made me laugh out loud. And feel more than a little disturbed.

Have you watched Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog yet? It's quirky, endearing, satirical and just plain funny. Oh and there's singing. It turns out Boomama is also a fan. You can find her endorsement here. Note: iTunes rates this as PG, but I don't agree with the rating. Singing or not, it's really not for kids. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is now available at MySpace for free. Yippee.

And lastly here's a little Leona Lewis/So You Think You Can Dance. Because how could you go wrong with that combo? And because it's awesome. Although not technically from this week.

Today

2008-07-24T20:00:00.004-04:00

So, it's Thursday. Day four of the stupid diet and I am still plugging along. I've been steadily packing on the weight for over a year now. Yet, somehow, some part of me thinks four lousy days of self-deprivation and workout videos should be enough to make me thin again. Because in Joy-World that would be the case. Of course in Joy-World there would be no calories in bread or cheese or New York Super Fudge Chunk and this whole paragraph would cease to exist.

A girl can dream.

I took the Weekids to a children's museum today. Clara was in one of her "I will not have fun and you can't make me" moods but Ben enjoyed himself. On the way there we had to stop the car to let twenty geese cross the road. Very slowly. After watching them pass, Ben asked matter of factly,

"Mom, when will I get my baby goose? They are very cute."

I snorted and said something like. "Um, never. Geese don't like to be pets. They like to be free to swim in the ponds." And take leisurely strolls across the road apparently.

"Oh" he responded. "Well, how about my flying car? When will I get that?"

I burst into laughter at his randomness. I was also a little impressed at his ability to assume the sale. There may be a future there.

"I don't think they make flying cars, Ben."

"Oh" he said again, and then sighed his disappointment. "Well, they should."

Apparently Ben-World involves flying cars. And pet geese. Not a bad dream either, I'd say. Well, maybe not the geese part. Geese are kind of mean.

Here we go again

2008-07-21T10:48:00.010-04:00

It's been kind of a ~~crappy~~ rotten day so far. This shouldn't really surprise me since Mondays and I rarely see eye-to-eye. But I am even more short-tempered and surly than usual.

Because I am going to die of starvation.

I've made it no secret that I have been in a losing battle with my waistline since I started this blog. I have heard that the best approach to weight loss is diet and exercise. But it turns out I don't actually like dieting or exercise. So I tried another approach.

"Don't exercise, Eat what I want, and ignore the fact I am packing on weight like a bear preparing for winter."

This approach was much more enjoyable. However the resulting two clothing sizes in the last year is getting kinda hard to ignore. So I started another diet. I am actually doing pretty well. I mean, my goodness, just the fact that it's 2PM and I am still on the diet means it's more successful than my last dozen efforts.

But I am starving. Did I mention I'm starving? I might wither away to nothing by the end of this post.

My family doesn't like it when I jump back on the weight-loss-wagon (Besides The Man who is probably relieved but knows better than to say so) because I throw all the good food away. And because food detox makes me really grouchy.

And my dog, whom I love nearly as much as carbs has started peeing all over our house. We discovered a bee's nest outside her doggy door and although we have eliminated it she's terrified to go out there. So a couple times a day I drag her outside hoping eventually she will realize the threat is gone.

And Ben has started having accidents again. And Clara thinks it's fun to take off her diaper and pee on the floor. So it feels like all I am doing today is cleaning up after people/animals that can't seem to urinate in their designated spots!

And when I got to Sam's Club today I realized I had left my wallet in my Sunday School bag from yesterday. So I had to drive all the way back home again to get it.

Sigh.

However...

When I finally got back to Sam's, instead of buying myself a bulk size bag of chocolate - which would be my normal response to a ~~crappy~~ rotten day - I saw this:
It was all three movies people! And I just had to get it.

And suddenly my day became better, because all that Anne Shirley/Megan Follows melodrama in one box...Oh my! I can't tell you how much I adored these as a kid. Allison is watching them right now. (We watched them together after she read the books.) But as much as I would like, I cannot plop down next to her because I have to go grocery shopping. Just so my silly family can have dinner tonight.

But just knowing they are there waiting for me makes me all warm and fuzzy. Well kinda warm and fuzzy. I'd be more warm and fuzzy knowing they were waiting for me with popcorn. And Reeses Pieces.

Stupid diet.

I confess...

2008-07-19T21:04:00.008-04:00

I didn't go to Blogher.

And I am pretty darn happy about it. I am not a big-name-blogger. I will never be a big-name-blogger. And while there was a time I thought I wanted that, it turns out I am pretty O.K. with my mediocre blog status now.

Because I would totally crumble under the pressure to produce brilliance day after day.

And going all the way to San Fran to meet other people who may or may-not have happened on some of my writing sounds like a form of slow and painful torture. Death by mortification.

So there, my secret's out. I don't want to meet any of you people.

O.K. there are a few of you I would kind of like to meet. In a one-on-one or very small group setting. For a limited amount of time. You know, in case ~~I am so incredibly dull I need to hide under the table with a basket of rolls~~ you are a total nut job.

I am looking forward to reading your stories. Please tell me everything. Who you did you meet? How much did you drink? Who's funny, kind, genuine, just-as-wonderful-as-you-knew-they-would-be? And I will read it. Soaking up every bit and genuinely in awe that you had the confidence to go and actually enjoy it.

But, I'll be very happy it was you and not me.

Well, about 95% happy. And the other 5% can shut-up. It's never. gonna. happen.

Haiku Friday: Milestone

2008-07-18T14:04:00.006-04:00

A proud boy, driving
Dad beside him calm, guiding
Better him than me.

A petition

2008-07-16T17:53:00.011-04:00

Dear God,

I would like to file a complaint on one small item in your glorious plan of creation.

I just don't think that this:

should be allowed to become this:

in one short year.

I'm not certain our hearts are strong enough to take it. Mine, for example, feels as if it might crack in two today. Surely we could slow things down just a bit?

Top notch job on those baby cheeks though. Could be your best work ever.

Lots of love,

Chaotic Joy

********

Happy Birthday to my sweet and spicy baby girl. Please don't grow too fast.