Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

For Wordless Wednesday

I've got whine...who's got cheese?

Clara is sick, sick, sick. Feverish, miserable and a veritable factory of snot. Too much information?

Yeah. I know. Sorry.

I am thinking she might have an ear infection but I am trying to wait it out. I despise taking my children to the doctor and am a firm believer that the body will fight off most things on it's own. This has been going on for a few days now though and if I don't see improvement by tomorrow, I'll make the call. Just because it is killing me to see her so miserable. And because I can't get more than two feet away from her. Which is kinda hard. When you have 3 other children.

My bins of Christmas decorations are still sitting in the hall. I am hosting my annual holiday brunch for my girlfriends from highschool and their children on Saturday, but things like cleaning and shopping and decking the halls just aren't happening. Sitting on the couch with Clara-bear for hours and hours watching recorded episodes of Sesame Street over and over, while using 543 tissues...that's what's happenin. Much to Ben's very vocal dismay.

Oh and blogging, that's not happenin either. Besides this post of course. And probably won't be happenin anytime soon. Because eventually I do have to clean and shop and deck the halls. Or at the very least calling a cleaning service.

You know while I lock myself in the laundry closet with a bottle of wine.

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Oh and I have a confession. You know those really awful Christmas cards I received last week. I ordered new ones. I couldn't get past the awful pictures. So I created a collage at Shutterfly which should be here this week which I am much happier with. But it totally throws my "Oh I am not going to stress about perfection this year" theory out the window. Along with the $30 I spent on the first batch.

I am so weak. And predictable.

Shameless bragging

Allie has a blog. I just set it up for her this weekend. It's set as private so it's doubtful anyone will read it besides her father and I and if she's lucky a kind friend or family member. But seeing what she writes is so much fun. This was part of her entry this morning

"Today is definitely my favorite day of the week, also known as "Sunday"! I just love Sundays! Do you ever get that feeling where all your problems are put away and you are full of happiness?! It may sound a bit extreme, but I do! It kinda gives you that feeling as if the house is clean without you ever cleaning it! Cool, huh? But it's not the day that puts me in this mood, it's church! If there's only one thing important in life, it "is" definitely the experience of leaning new things about Jesus! Living in a house full of Christians, is a complete blessing to me. In fact, if it was still November, thats something I would be thankful for."

Really. How can you not smile reading this sweet and peppy post. I love that girl.

A bit of bizness

I decided to go back and delete the posts on our adventures with Brandon this week. As I predicted, I have decided I have gone too far. I would never want them to cause hurt if discovered at a later date.

Sometimes I let me own need for an outlet, and support, cloud my judgement.

The last day of November!

Computer is dying. Something about blogging made it sick months ago. And it has been in a state of gradual decline ever since. Getting out of Google-Reader to comment on blogs is like trudging through a pool of sludge. It requires much patience and prayer. And if there are graphics, or ads or layers on your page, it's almost hopeless. I click that link and walk away, to get a cup of coffee or fold some laundry, then come back to see if it was able to accomplish the task, or if it locked up passed out from the effort. And sometimes now, mid keystroke, it just turns itself off. Jumping ship. Grumpy and overloaded, it stubbornly refuses to do one thing more. I know how it feels.

The Man has been voicing loudly the need to reformat. That the best thing for computer is a fresh start. While I know this may be true, I have been resisting. Because The Man, while very nice to look at, and quite accomplished at many things, tends to leave things in a slightly altered state when he fixes them.

He's actually quite a whiz at computers. He has written code for program after program to do tasks as simple as manage our contacts or as complicated as run his business. But the last time he reformatted he wiped the information out of said contact manager completely, leaving me floundering on how to reach the voice teacher. Or my mother.

And it's not just computers. The toilets he has repaired do work, but with little irritating quirks that weren't there before. "Someone go jiggle the toilet thing" is now a daily request around here. And so, I have been understandably resistant, worrying what I would lose.

But I have surrendered. Computer is in pain and we need to do what's best for him. You know, so I can get back to surfing and commenting at will. Because I have a lot to say. And because it's Christmas time. And I need to s-h-o-p people.

So I ask you all to say a prayer for computer and his trip to The Man's hospital this weekend. That we would come through the other side new and refreshed and without any significant memory loss. That afterwards he would be able to do his work easily with the passion he once had. Opening up window after window with ease. That he would be well again, completely well.

With no jiggling required.

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What I am thankful for today. That November is over. I have posted 36 posts in November. THIRTY-SIX. Talk about self-indulgent ridiculousness. And the idea that I had, that I would just be popping on to write a quick line of thanks. That was pure stupidity on my part. It's been a time sucking machine. So when next November comes, if I even think of participating in this daily posting thing, someone please shoot me. Seriously.

Day 28

Today I am thankful for my children who were, all four of them, conceived without difficulty. Who were carried to term, with no problems beyond those of typical pregnancy discomfort. Who were born healthy and strong in deliveries that were relatively complication free. I am thankful for the sleepless nights I spent in my home feeding them, rocking them, walking with them until I could barely stand. I am thankful for the anger they have caused me and the tears I have shed on their behalf.

This week some friends of mine delivered twins at 25 weeks after years of trying to conceive and several rounds of IVF. Those babies are struggling just to to take a breath. We are all praying just for their hearts to keap beating. Each day we get an update, because for their parents each day is simply another battle that wasn't lost.

I have friends who have recently lost babies and those who have never been able to conceive them. I have cried for them. My heart breaks for them, but I don't know what it's like to be them. I couldn't possibly.

But today I know that each day that I walk on this side of that darkness is a blessing. A fragile blessing that I have not earned. And for the days that I have forgotten this, and the days, too soon, that I will forget again - I am truly sorry.

Day 26

Today I am thankful for my sister-in-law who sent me this adorable shot of Ben and Clara from Thanksgiving. (I should have had her take my Christmas Card picture.)

Also for Rotisserie Chickens from our grocery store for those voice lesson/basketball practice days when I just can't get my act together.

And for my supportive bloggy friends, who occasionally get stuck listening to reading my confessions, and are gracious about it every time.