Scrutiny

For Wordless Wednesday

In defense of tedium.

Today, when I was supposed to be hibernating, I stumbled on a post by Slouching Mom. The post began, was titled in fact, with a disclaimer that it would cover a topic that has been ongoing in her life for quite a while now. Her tone seemed to indicate (and I could be projecting here) that if she mentioned it too many times - or too often - she might owe us, her readers, an apology for failing to always provide us with spicy new reading topics. I sat and chewed on this for a while. To me it seemed obvious that a blog about ones life would have to be somewhat redundant if it is to be real. I know that I, for whatever reason, tend to find myself in the the same mental quagmires time after time.

She also went on to say

"we each have our pet themes on our blogs, the issues that just won't quit, the issues that keep floating up to the surface"

Ding. That's the light bulb turning on over my head.

I am thankful for Slouching Mom's post because it revealed to me how much I have been struggling with this issue here, at Joy in Chaos. My writing, actual post writing and not just photos or random family news bulletins, has slowed to nearly non-existent. While this is partly a result of a conscious decision to spend less time blogging, it is also because I fear that I find myself saying the same tedious things: *I love my kids. *I don't know how to raise a teenager. *Ben doesn't eat. *Clara doesn't walk. *Being a stay at home mom without much time off is really hard. *I have no time to blog. *I'm overweight. *My husband is a saint. *Aren't my kids cute. *I want to kill my kids. *I read books. *Jesus loves me this I know. *Meme, meme, meme, meme.

That's it. Seriously. My blog in it's entirety. And sometimes it's hard, when I see my life reduced to these topics again and again, not to feel insufferably dull. And so I stopped writing. Which is just craziness when I think about it. I was writing because I enjoyed it. And then people started reading it and I enjoyed it even more. And then I thought I might be boring people so I stopped writing. What's wrong with this picture?

This week, for example, I started another post about Clara, and the wretched conversation I had with her pediatrician on Friday. It's was an ugly post full of my own hurt feelings and some positively unchristian comments about the doctor. And I didn't complete it because I was certain that no one wanted to suffer through another round of my mental ping-pong on the issue. In hind site it's probably good that I didn't post it. Let's just say God would not have been glorified by the awful things I had to say about that woman. However, I see now that I was paralyzing myself by thinking too much about what people wanted to read. Which is just more craziness, because it's not like I have a slew of people coming here every day to get my opinions on the state of the universe.

So what will all this navel gazing actually amount to? Probably nothing. I am still not sure that I will ever find the time to write as much as I would like. But if I do, eventually, find a writing rhythm, don't be surprised if I end up writing four posts a week about Clara not walking or Allison's dramatic entrance into puberty. Because I tend to dwell on things. It's just who I am. And because I am going to learn to revel in my mundanity.

I know you can't wait.

Oh and as for the Clara thing...

Basically, the doctor stood by her initial recommendation that she needed to see a neurologist, (which I respect) and she was mean and condescending (which I don't.) And I cried. A lot. Because I felt angry and insulted and frustrated that I didn't stand up for myself more. But I am over it now. In an "I will never see that doctor again if my life depended on it" kind of way. And Clara will probably go to a neurologist. Despite the fact that we don't have the money and it is causing me to break out in a rash each time I think about following that doctor's recommendation.

But I'm over it. Really I am.

We're Hibernating

Be Back soon.

I confess

Clara didn't have her neurology appointment today. I canceled it (cringing)

I know. I know. I am as fickle as the weather. I just can't help myself. All that build up, all the commental support. For nothing.

We have a large insurance deductible and I found out yesterday that her neuro evaluation was going to cost us small fortune. And I just couldn't make myself pay it, for something my heart tells me she doesn't need.

So I have a call in to her pediatrician to confess explain. She's going to call me back tomorrow and I am prepared with a slew of questions that all boil down to one big one: "Can we wait a few months on this?" I am praying that by then she will be walking and I will be obnoxiously touting the merits of mother's intuition. So pray for that with me, will ya?

And here's a video of the girl today and Ben trying to get her to walk. After which she runs away on her knees. And he tackles her. You know, to help her.

Brotherly love at it's finest.

To the Rescue

For the past six months or so, Ben has had a fixation with firemen. He talks frequently of being a fireman "when he grows up" and "fighting fires with a hose." In fact, during our last cold spell he decided to get a head start with the help of his Halloween costume.



But then, this morning we had this conversation.

Ben: Mom, when I grow up I am going to be a good fireman.

Me: That's great Ben." I replied with sleepy enthusiasm.

Ben: And fight all the bad firemans with water

Me: Oh. Hmmm, well all firemen are good Ben, they help people.

Ben: Oh. They just fight with fire.

Me: Uhhh, yes, they fight fire. They spray it with water and put it out. And they help people when they are stuck or hurt.

Ben sits quietly for a moment, contemplating.

Ben: Okay, but they could still fight with Spiderman, right?

Oy.

So... who wants to tell Ben that firemen, while indeed heroes, are not of the Super variety?


For another funny, but not nearly as appropriate, outburst from Ben, visit me at Worst Mama today.

Takin care of Business

I have been neglectful. Some very kind people have passed on some very sweet awards and I have not shown my appreciation or passed on the honors. So now I am playing catch-up.

First of all, my real life friend Amy, from Signs, Miracles, and Wonders, gave me the Daily Dose Award weeks ago.

This award is for a Blog that encourages you. Which explains why I got it weeks ago as my posts of late have been of the melancholy variety, and hardly encouraging. Her posts, however, are always encouraging. I was almost tempted just to pass this right on back to her. So thanks Amy!

I am going to pass this award on to Lisa at Lisa Writes because she encourages me almost daily in my Christian walk and in striving to be a Godly mother to my four children. That girl is chock full of wisdom and is a wonderful writer to boot. It's a good thing I don't know her in real life because I would be tempted to start stalking her.

******************
Secondly, Slouching Mom and Painted Maypole passed on the "Mwah!" award.
Slouching Mom says this is "A chaste kiss given to say Thank you for friendships and comments in the blogosphere." I have made it no secret that I am a huge fan of Slouching Mom's writing. One might even call me a Slouching Mom groupie. How nice to know that she actually enjoys my adoration and comments. She's another one I would stalk.

(I bet you are all starting to be glad I don't know where you live!)

Maypole says she passed it on to me because she knew I was needing some "Cyber Lovin." She's a sweetheart that Maypole, even if she is going to Mardi Gras parades and DisneyLand all in one week. I don't hate her too much for that, though. Really I don't.

I am passing this award on to Chrissy over at Tales from the Carpool Lane because she's such a funny and faithful commenter. And to The Dragonfly over at On Dragonfly Wings because of her regular encouragement. It means so much to me.

*****************
I was also tagged for a Meme by the incomparable and deep-thinking Veronica Mitchell, but I am going to save that for another rainy day. It's something about being quirky but as I am, in fact, dreadfully dull I am going to need some time to make something up to think on this one.

A This and That Update

Thank you so much for all your encouraging words on my "This and That" post. It really is amazing to me how sweet a bunch of people I have never met can be. This promises to be another long and newsy post, but at least my mental state has greatly improved in the last week. It doesn't hurt that The Man is back at home. Where he belongs. He declined an offer to hang out with a friend of his this afternoon, saying "I watch the kids on Sunday afternoons so Joy can take a nap."

Really, what more can one ask for in a man?

**********************
Clara's neuro evaluation is this Thursday. I am more convinced than ever that this a superfluous precaution. Clara seems to take steps perfectly fine when she feels like it. However, I can't seem to bring myself to cancel the appointment, so I will go and pay to listen to them tell me what I already know: She's stubborn. It also appears to be the only way to get a referral for an orthopedist which is something I think she may need. I think that some days. Other days she seems perfectly fine and I think this entire process is a big waste of time and money.

Oh, and here are a couple pictures from her 18 month portraits. Look how sweet she looks.


And then there is this next picture, which is a personal favorite of mine. You really should click on it so you can get an close-up view of the look of superior annoyance Clara shoots at us daily.

**********************
Moving on...

I spoke to my doctor about my silly little polyp and it was determined I need to have a DNC Hysteroscopy to remove it. This is excellent news and exactly what I was praying for. It is a simple outpatient procedure that should, hopefully, correct all the problems I have been having. I am waiting for the surgical coordinator to call me to schedule it, but I would have it done tomorrow if I could.

**********************
About one hour after I posted the news that Ben was finally potty trained he had an accident. Seriously, ONE HOUR! And he's had two since then, after being dry for weeks. So I am vowing to never utter, or write, those words again. Well maybe when he's ten. Maybe.

**********************
Brandon is still grounded. This weekend he read the entire book Odd Thomas, which he loved, despite the fact that it was recommended by his mother. I did let him go to a superbowl party tonight at his uncle's house. Because he has been stuck in this house for a month now and I worry about him. And because it meant I would have time alone.

To do this.

**********************
Oh! I must tell you. Surprisingly, I am still an active member of the 6:oo AM club, and I am loving it. Me! With the nonexistent willpower muscles. Okay, I don't actually love it at 6AM but somewhere around 7AM the benefits start kicking in. My mornings are going so much more smoothly now that I get up an hour before my children. Also starting the day with prayer and in The Word has been pivotal in the improved mental state I mentioned earlier.

The only major downfall I have experienced is that I now really need to be asleep by 11:00. Which, when my husband doesn't get off work until 9:00 and my older kids don't go to bed until 10:00, is extremely difficult. It also means less time with The Man, which neither one of us likes. And it means almost no time for blogging. I don't do the 6AM thing on weekends for that reason. So I can stay up later and hang out with my sweetheart. So far, I think the trade off is worth it.

**********************
And lastly - speaking of weak willpower muscles - we'll touch on the dreaded diet. I am sure you were all beside yourself wondering how I was doing with that! In the last couple weeks I have fallen head first, crashing, off of the diet wagon. I am finally ready to regroup though and start again, a measly 5 lbs lighter and the exact same size as I was at this point last month.

Dieting sucks. That's just all there is to it.

But I am not giving up yet, so look forward to more "Diet Myth" posts coming up soon. I know you can't wait.

**********************
And now that I have bored you all to tears with my life details, I am off to bed. I hope to find a way to get back to posting regularly soon. I would love to know how all of you, especially those with young children, find time to fit it in your schedule. So send me some tips.

Do you have a schedule?
Do you just squeeze it in when you have time?
Do you not sleep?
Do you lock your children in a closet?

I'm open for anything.