Blessed- UPDATED

It is Spring Break here in Chaos and my home is brimming with children. Teenage boys slumped in the basement in front of video games, still wearing clothing from the day before. Adolescent girls bubbling into the kitchen searching for snacks while complaining about the teenage boys. And the two preschoolers, alternating between irritation with each other and heartache at not being included by the older kids.

A week of this dynamic, replaying ad nauseum, stretched out before me. I started to twitch. I called a friend in desperation and together determined that a change of scenery was in order. I loaded the adolescents (Allie & her friend) and preschoolers (Ben & Clara) into the car. I packed bags of food and drink and blankets. Diapers, wet wipes, and jackets. And headed for the park. We met our friends and Ben gleefully ran, climbed and jumped for hours. Clara determinedly practiced walking on wood chips and was content just to go up and down the same little slide again and again. And the girls walked, arm and arm, through the paths and around the lake talking and whispering and laughing, and looking terribly grown up.

Then all the children, young and old, met up in the sand to build castles and volcanoes. Finally, after a quick scrub down we collapsed onto a worn comforter and ate sandy sandwiches and grapes and goldfish. Juice boxes and girl scout cookies. I visited with my girlfriend and rocked Clara until she was nearly asleep. Thinking, as I lay my cheek against her gritty head and watched Ben scale another rock, that for all the activities spring break has to offer I could not imagine my children and I finding a more satisfactory way to spend a morning. Friends, and nature, food and slides and swings and climby things. And dirt. Lots and lots of dirt. Who could ask for anything more?

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Updated:

Today was a day where I could not imagine wanting to be anywhere else than home with my children. I wish that I could say that I have this feeling every day, or even most days, but home-making is not a calling that has come easy to me. Never ending chores, sibling fights, mundanities, frustrations and tempers, (mine and their's) without outside validation, have driven me to the edge. Repeatedly. But I know that I am where I am supposed to be. And so I pray often for God to help me find the joy in my calling and recognize those irreplaceable moments that take place around me each day.

And so it is, when I have a day like today, that is full of one precious gem of a moment after another, that I cannot help but feel His presence very strongly. It is like I hear him whispering to me, "Do you see? Do you see what I have given you that you grumble and complain about and take for granted? Do you see what you are missing?"

And I know in my core what I have always know, but sometimes forget, that I am truly blessed and genuinely unworthy.

When will I ever learn?

that it is hopeless for me to try to blog while the weekids are awake?

Look!

Just look at what Ben did while I was writing my meme this morning...

Silly me, I thought he was watching TV.

Three walls of my living room, just COVERED with orange scribbling.

Thank goodness for Crayola Washables.

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Note: When The Man came into the room and was treated to a display of what Ben did he said "Why aren't you trying to clean it off?"

"Oh." I said, "Well I had to post it on the blog first."

Anyone else see the irony?

5 Things

My friend, sister-in-law and fellow blogger extraordinaire, Lynn, has tagged me for the 5 things Meme. I was saving it for a slow-blogging week and well, this qualifies.

5 Most Frequented Websites

1. My Email - I will not tell you now many times I check this a day. But let's just say, there has been talk of an intervention. Is there a 12 step program OEC disorder?
2. Google Reader
3. Dictionary.com (cause I'm a word-nerd)
4. Allrecipes.com
5. Blockbuster.com - Because Blockbuster Total Access Rocks. We love movies in this house. And did you know you can even get DVDs of past seasons of TV shows delivered to your home? So a person could spend a whole afternoon watching Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy and eating Easter candy. You know, theoretically.

5 Favorite Foods (only five???)

1. Coffee (I know, not technically a food)
2. Chocolate Cake (although definitely not ALL chocolate cake)
3. Mexican Food
4. Seafood (fish, scallops, crab legs...mmmm)
5. Cereal

5 Places I want to visit (never been before)

1. Africa
2. New York City
3. Hawaii
4. San Francisco
5. Venice

5 Favorite Stress Relievers

1. Prayer
   
2. A Bath & A Book
   
3. A Bottle Glass of wine
4. A Bookstore with a coffee shop
5. Calling my friend Melissa

5 Favorite Movies (Again, Only five, that won't even make a dent!)

1. Roman Holiday
2. The Princess Bride
3. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (although not so much the second installment)
4. The Shawshank Redemption
5. When Harry Met Sally

5 Good Books I've read this year (I added this category because I am a rebel like that)

1. Pride and Prejudice
2. Good in Bed (Chick-lit, I know, but I still really liked it)
3. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
4. The Glass Castle
5. Odd Thomas

5 Things you can do to make my day

1. Let me sleep in!
   
2. Tell me I look pretty (Sorry Lynn, I stole this from you because it was such a true answer)
   
3. Just let me know I am appreciated
   
4. Help me clean the house
   
5. Don't fight with your siblings (obviously only applies to a certain segment of the population)

5 People I Tag
No tags this time. Although this was a very easy Meme if anyone wants to put it in their pocket for a rainy day.

Walking, reflecting and haircuts.

Despite my earlier pessimistic prediction, the evaluation process to find out of Clara qualifies for EI services has continued. It seems to be a windy road with many hoops and hurdles and even the destination is foggy. Today a "service coordinator" is coming out to fill out twenty-five minutes worth of paperwork. After which she will refer us to another evaluator who will come out to the house and run a bunch of tests out our girl. If she qualifies after that evaluation she will be referred to a physical therapist.

I refuse to get worked up about this process. She'll either qualify or she won't.

And besides, LOOK!



Clara has been taking steps independently for over six months now. One here. Eight there. But sometimes with weeks in between and no real progress. Her steps have been stiff and awkward and the neurologist even put on her prescription for therapy that she observed a "gait abnormality"

But in the last week, she has walked some every day. With increasing ease and excitement. And as you can see has made great strides in her gait. (Groan!) We are continuing down the road to EI because it has taken us so long just to get the referral, but I am very encouraged at the progress I am seeing.

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What you cannot see in this video is the absolute disaster my children made of the room around them while I was attempting to write an introspective post on my blog last night. This weekend I spent some time rummaging through the archives of my blog and recalling, wistfully, the obsession that blogging was for me last year; When I wrote compulsively for the sake of writing, and not simply to record the minutiae of life in the Chaotic household.

Failing to find a balance for my new obsession I have instead gradually diluted it into a watered down version of what I wanted it to be. While I still pop on each week to post updates and pictures and the occasional anecdote it's been a long time since I have gone to bed with words and phrases swimming through my head. I miss it. The challenge of trying to become a better writer, of self-analysis and story-telling and attempting to recreate moments instead of just record them.

And yet, here I am again, with a quick Clara-update, because it's all I can manage except at naptime and bedtime and those hours are already allocated 3 times over. And I find the less I write the harder it is to return to it. But I know I will return, eventually. Or maybe for now just occasionally. Until my life takes another turn and time alone is not such a coveted rarity.

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Oh and look what else I did this weekend:

Before:












My sweet friend Nikki took pity on my long scraggly locks and my 2 inch roots and gave me a free cut and color. Free - people! Seven inches and 3.5 hours later I am forever in her debt.

After:


Thanks Nikki!

I

heart

you.

Wordless Wednesday - but with Words.

The early intervention program in our county has gone bankrupt since we used their services for Ben. It is now run by Easter Seals. They called me today for an interview to see if Clara will qualify for therapy services with them. The criteria is much more stringent and she may not be eligible because her delay is only in one area. I have to run some simple tests on her this evening and speak to the evaluator again tomorrow for her determination. Unfortunately private therapy for Clara is not covered by our insurance.

Momentarily, I found myself actually hoping that she would score low in other areas so her therapy would be covered by EI. Then I recognized the absurdity of these thoughts. It is a blessing that Clara is thriving in every other way. I can't let the bureaucracy of government early intervention make me forget that.
If there really is only enough funding to help the children with the most severe delays, then I would hate for Clara to take a spot from someone who needs it more. And so we will wait. And explore other options.

Now for a confession:

I went into Google Reader this afternoon and marked all 200 unread posts as "Read". And just like that a weight was lifted off of me. If I haven't made it by your place lately, I am going to try to do so going forward. It was just adding too much stress to try to go back.

On the upswing

My week of chaos has come to an end. The neuro evaluation, D & C, consignment sale, Easter celebrations and voice recital are all behind us. And I feel a sense of peace and gratitude that I made it through everything so well. Each thing on my list went, while not perfectly, far better than I had anticipated. And I cannot help but praise God for one answered prayer after another.

I recovered quickly from my D & C on Friday and by Saturday I was out running Easter errands with the rest of the parental universe. Although, I do admit to a wee bit of disappointment that I was only able to milk one day in bed out of the ordeal. I didn't even get to finish my novel. Maybe I shouldn't have prayed so hard on this one.

While I haven't received my check from the consignment sale yet, I was pleasantly surprised by the small stack of items left to be retrieved on Saturday. Most of my things sold. Including a couple large ticket items.

And Clara's neuro evaluation, my biggest source of anxiety, went as well as could be expected. The doctor saw a couple things that could be reasons for concern, but is not yet ready to take the steps to explore them. She didn't see any glaring problems and her gut feeling is that with a little physical therapy Clara will be a walker before we know it. She gave me a referral to an early intervention program for these services. That referral alone - the golden ticket her pediatrician had refused me - brought with it a sigh of relief. If, after a few months of therapy, Clara has still not made any progress we will return to the neurologist for more tests. (i.e. an MRI) I was even very surprised to find that when we went to her appointment the doctor's office had a change of heart on their strict "payment in full at the time of services" policy. In some ways that was the biggest relief of all.

And my mailbox has been rebuilt. And Ben's school called me today for a job interview.

And lastly, Allison had her recital last night. She did a lovely job, as usual. So for the sake of the friends and relatives that were unable to make it, I am posting this video. The sound and picture quality are poor because I took it with my digital camera and not my video camera. I have yet to figure out how to transfer videos from my video camera to my computer.


And now I will return to the typical level of busyness that is our lives. Basketball and t-ball practices, orthodontist appointments and 15 loads of laundry. A choir lesson to plan and 200 posts in my Google.reader.

But today I am unusually thankful for the mundane things I have to do, and the time in front of me to accomplish things like laundry and blogging. And for the gift of God's presence and grace last week when I was without time for any of it. And for all of you who prayed, and encouraged, and who will rejoice to hear how well things went. I am thankful for each of you as well.

We intererupt this blogging break...

to bring you these moments from the Chaotic household. Because even if the middle of my crazy busyness my kids are still really. freakin. adorable. Oh I know my life would be substantially less stressful without them, but nowhere near as much fun.


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Ben and Clara and I lounged sleepily together on the sofa this morning, enjoying a rare moment of passive togetherness. Ben looked over at Clara, slumped down and earnestly sipping her milk with her belly protruding out of her shirt. He looked up at me perplexed. "Girl's don't have Bebos."

(Bebos = Belly buttons ala Sandra Boynton).

"No, Ben, they do. We all have Belly Buttons." We all lifted up our shirts and examined the proof of this statement.

"Ben..." I queried, wanting to relieve his confusion about gender specific body parts. "What is it that boys have that girls don't?"

He responded without hesitation.

"Cool toys."

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We will now return to our regularly scheduled blogging break.