If...

If...in the name of the stupid diet (which is still working so slowly you could barely call it working) you decided to do a workout video this afternoon...

If...once you decided this, you put on your workout pants with the missing drawstring that you have had since 1999. (because goodness knows you haven't worked out enough between now and then to warrant purchasing new ones.)

If...once you started working out you became infuriated with the peppy workout instructor who insists that salsa is really just two steps: forward, back, forward, back and makes it look easy and sassy when you just look like a panting hippo.

If...you then started hurling inappropriate phrases at said workout instructor and finally decided to turn off the video and try something easier. Like walking.

If...you at this point realized that your workout pants were now actually around your lower buttocks-region. And you didn't even notice because you were wearing tummy-sucking granny panties that went way above your belly button. You know, because you can't stand the feeling of a jiggling tummy during exercise.

If...this happened to you...

You would be very, very happy for your "absolutely no other people allowed in the basement during mommy's workout under penalty of death" policy.

Just thought you should know.

Do you guys know Lori? She went on a rant today that hit very close to home for this mom of two adolescents.

Thanks Lori. You're my hero.

I Surrender

I have been trying very hard not to be on a blogging break. And failing. Desperately. Because school starts back for my two older children in two weeks. And suddenly I am trying to cram in summer's last hurrah between haircuts and trips to shop for clothes and shoes and three ring binders. And preparing my first 3-year-old choir lesson. And scheduling voice lessons and t-ball practices. And my brain is spinning like a top.

And I am planning a trip out of town for my anniversary next weekend. Which is to say that I have decided we are going out of town for our anniversary next weekend, but am still not certain where. But I am certain my mother-in-law is coming to stay here. In my house for the weekend. And sleep in my bed. And that means she must be able to find my bed amid the piles of clothes and books and craft supplies and shoes and toys-to-be-passed-down that currently surround it. And so I must clean.

A LOT.

And it is possible that when next Friday night comes The Man and I will get in the car and drive and still not know where we are going or staying. And that will be okay. Because the only voices in the car will be our own. And wherever we stay will not need to have a fridge for milk or a portable crib or a pullout sofa. We'll only need the one bed, thank you.

And the rest of it won't really matter.

But for now. I am defeated. Chaos reigns supreme.

I'll see you when I come up for air.

Happy Linking (UPDATED)

I've been working on another post all weekend with no progress. I have rewritten the first two paragraphs three times. So while my writer's block and I are hashing it out, I thought I would leave you with some links of things that made me smile this week.

1. Have you seen this movie? It's about a man who goes a little crazy and falls in love with a life-sized doll. Totally bizarre. But also, I thought, kind of wonderful.


2. This column by the amazing Julie Berry made me laugh out loud. And feel more than a little disturbed.


3. Have you watched Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog yet? It's quirky, endearing, satirical and just plain funny. Oh and there's singing. It turns out Boomama is also a fan. You can find her endorsement here. Note: iTunes rates this as PG, but I don't agree with the rating. Singing or not, it's really not for kids. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog is now available at MySpace for free. Yippee.
   


4. And lastly here's a little Leona Lewis/So You Think You Can Dance. Because how could you go wrong with that combo? And because it's awesome. Although not technically from this week.

Today

So, it's Thursday. Day four of the stupid diet and I am still plugging along. I've been steadily packing on the weight for over a year now. Yet, somehow, some part of me thinks four lousy days of self-deprivation and workout videos should be enough to make me thin again. Because in Joy-World that would be the case. Of course in Joy-World there would be no calories in bread or cheese or New York Super Fudge Chunk and this whole paragraph would cease to exist.

A girl can dream.

I took the Weekids to a children's museum today. Clara was in one of her "I will not have fun and you can't make me" moods but Ben enjoyed himself. On the way there we had to stop the car to let twenty geese cross the road. Very slowly. After watching them pass, Ben asked matter of factly,

"Mom, when will I get my baby goose? They are very cute."

I snorted and said something like. "Um, never. Geese don't like to be pets. They like to be free to swim in the ponds." And take leisurely strolls across the road apparently.

"Oh" he responded. "Well, how about my flying car? When will I get that?"

I burst into laughter at his randomness. I was also a little impressed at his ability to assume the sale. There may be a future there.

"I don't think they make flying cars, Ben."

"Oh" he said again, and then sighed his disappointment. "Well, they should."

Apparently Ben-World involves flying cars. And pet geese. Not a bad dream either, I'd say. Well, maybe not the geese part. Geese are kind of mean.

Here we go again

It's been kind of a crappy rotten day so far. This shouldn't really surprise me since Mondays and I rarely see eye-to-eye. But I am even more short-tempered and surly than usual.

Because I am going to die of starvation.

I've made it no secret that I have been in a losing battle with my waistline since I started this blog. I have heard that the best approach to weight loss is diet and exercise. But it turns out I don't actually like dieting or exercise. So I tried another approach.

"Don't exercise, Eat what I want, and ignore the fact I am packing on weight like a bear preparing for winter."

This approach was much more enjoyable. However the resulting two clothing sizes in the last year is getting kinda hard to ignore. So I started another diet. I am actually doing pretty well. I mean, my goodness, just the fact that it's 2PM and I am still on the diet means it's more successful than my last dozen efforts.

But I am starving. Did I mention I'm starving? I might wither away to nothing by the end of this post.

My family doesn't like it when I jump back on the weight-loss-wagon (Besides The Man who is probably relieved but knows better than to say so) because I throw all the good food away. And because food detox makes me really grouchy.

And my dog, whom I love nearly as much as carbs has started peeing all over our house. We discovered a bee's nest outside her doggy door and although we have eliminated it she's terrified to go out there. So a couple times a day I drag her outside hoping eventually she will realize the threat is gone.

And Ben has started having accidents again. And Clara thinks it's fun to take off her diaper and pee on the floor. So it feels like all I am doing today is cleaning up after people/animals that can't seem to urinate in their designated spots!

And when I got to Sam's Club today I realized I had left my wallet in my Sunday School bag from yesterday. So I had to drive all the way back home again to get it.

Sigh.

However...

When I finally got back to Sam's, instead of buying myself a bulk size bag of chocolate - which would be my normal response to a crappy rotten day - I saw this:
It was all three movies people! And I just had to get it.

And suddenly my day became better, because all that Anne Shirley/Megan Follows melodrama in one box...Oh my! I can't tell you how much I adored these as a kid. Allison is watching them right now. (We watched them together after she read the books.) But as much as I would like, I cannot plop down next to her because I have to go grocery shopping. Just so my silly family can have dinner tonight.

But just knowing they are there waiting for me makes me all warm and fuzzy. Well kinda warm and fuzzy. I'd be more warm and fuzzy knowing they were waiting for me with popcorn. And Reeses Pieces.

Stupid diet.

I confess...

I didn't go to Blogher.

And I am pretty darn happy about it. I am not a big-name-blogger. I will never be a big-name-blogger. And while there was a time I thought I wanted that, it turns out I am pretty O.K. with my mediocre blog status now.

Because I would totally crumble under the pressure to produce brilliance day after day.

And going all the way to San Fran to meet other people who may or may-not have happened on some of my writing sounds like a form of slow and painful torture. Death by mortification.

So there, my secret's out. I don't want to meet any of you people.

O.K. there are a few of you I would kind of like to meet. In a one-on-one or very small group setting. For a limited amount of time. You know, in case I am so incredibly dull I need to hide under the table with a basket of rolls you are a total nut job.

I am looking forward to reading your stories. Please tell me everything. Who you did you meet? How much did you drink? Who's funny, kind, genuine, just-as-wonderful-as-you-knew-they-would-be? And I will read it. Soaking up every bit and genuinely in awe that you had the confidence to go and actually enjoy it.

But, I'll be very happy it was you and not me.

Well, about 95% happy. And the other 5% can shut-up. It's never. gonna. happen.