Monday, January 21, 2008

The most schizophrenic blog entry ever.

I am in a dark place right now. A place I would never admit to most people I know. Yet, I long to write about it here, to lay bare the ugliness of my heart to the blogosphere and let it be soothed by your balm of wisdom and commiseration and intuitive words. I have found that soul-baring posts are good for my soul. It takes time for me to pour myself out into words and make certain that those words are honest - as honest as I can stand - and unambiguous. The process itself of defining my thoughts, setting my emotions into boxes neat enough to be labeled with tags like 'despair' or 'inadequacy', is therapeutic. Nailing down the swirling angst to portray what I think, how I really feel, so I can give it a shape. A name. A word. It's journaling at it's finest. And here, in this place, the journal talks back with a voice of acceptance that is unique to those who don't really know us.

But oh, all that introspection, and the subsequent expression takes time. And all the time I have - all I have had for weeks - is a few borrowed moments while older children are occupying younger ones, and dishes sit congealing on the counter.

(But to keep from being cryptic, and sounding all coy, I'll just tell ya...this parenting gig. It's kicking my tail friends. Kicking. My. Tail. And I am finding myself constantly praying. And looking around for a life preserver.)

But instead of that mess, I am going to write about the frivolous and the happy, because, quite simply I feel the urge to write something. It nags at me when I don't. And those topics are easy, and quick. And like the rest of my neglected children, I would rather give my blog some superficial attention than none at all. And because writing about the happy moments is, in itself, a kind of therapy. Avoidance therapy. I know it well.

In fact, I am going to write about snow, again. Because it snowed on Saturday, again! I can feel the collective eye rolling from my Yankee and Canadian readers. (I know! Can you believe people all the way in Canada read this stuff?) But really, Y'all..snow! Twice in one week. In Georgia! It was like a bona fide miracle. There were songs of praise to Jesus being lifted up by four foot people all over the state.

And even more gloriously, this time The Man was off work for the great event. And he took Ben outside for two entire hours of snowtastic fun while Clara and I watched from inside the house. They built a snowman. And had snowball fights. And would you believe that because of this miracle of nature, and The Man's remarkable endurance for snowtime activities with a three-year-old, I actually got to take a bath and a shower in the same day? Without a single knock at the bathroom door, for either. Not even one.

Now that truly was miraculous. And you can bet I was singing my own praises right along with the four foot crowd.

And in the process of this soap and water windfall, I finished a book. Reading is another thing I haven't had much time for lately and I was starting to think my literary list for 2008 was going to read:

"Started Odd Thomas, review coming in 2009."

But I finally finished it. And it was a huge departure from anything I would normally read. I can't imagine why I put it on my reading list to start with. I can't even watch 24 without having nightmares. I am bewildered by the sudden burst of valor that inspired me to take on Dean Koontz. The plot wasn't terribly original. A man who sees dead people - where have I heard that before? But the endearing first person voice and the quirky characters gave it heart, and even humor. Overall I enjoyed it, even if I did have to put it down at one point and run, scampering, to my husband for protection. And even if he did laugh at me. And offer to protect me, from my big scary book. Even so, I still devoured those last several chapters like a pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk. And that's saying something.

And now I have one book to put on my list for 2008. My accomplishments are overwhelming.


Lori said...

I am thrilled you got another day of snow, and that Ben got to have such glorious fun (and you got to stay inside!!) :)

Let's see... tonight Big J screamed (and I mean screamed) at us that we think he is a terrible person and that he hates us. I know a little about what it feels like to wonder if you are getting ANY of this right. (P.S. He has cooled down considerably but I am still a bit rattled by his outburst).

slouching mom said...

here when you're ready to write about it.

a bath, a shower, and a book? my idea of heaven -- even better if the book is being read IN the bath.


painted maypole said...

prayers for whatever it is that is kicking you in the ... well, wherever it is kicking you. ;)

Chrissy said...

Sorry to hear about the tail-kicking. I wish you didn't have to go through any of it.

I think a bath on a snowy day is just about the best thing ever. Especially an uninterrupted one. Congrats on finishing the book, too.

the dragonfly said...

You got to take a bath!! That is the one gift I ask of my husband, over and over. For my birthday, for Christmas, on a weekend where I'm going crazy: Please, watch the Little Mister and let me take a bath. For two hours. I'm so glad you got to relax, even if it was for a bit. I'm not fond of snow (grew up in Michigan) but I'd be thankful too if it let me take a bath! :)

And oh, Odd Thomas. The stories are strange (Dean Koontz has published two more books about him, with at least one more on the way), but the character is wonderful. Seriously he seems like a person I'd like to meet.

Hope things get better. Thinking of you..

Bon777 said...

Sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed. I think all us moms can relate at one time or another. Snow, while it brings the cold, it often has a way of white washing our troubles, if only for a long over due uninterrupted bath day.

Hope you are feeling better.

Lisa writes... said...

Yet again, you say what I feel, yet so much better than I could ever say it! I'm with you, girl, my tail is kicked and sometimes I fear the dark will overtake me. Thanks for your honesty!

And can I just confess a little envy over the snow twice received?

Beck said...

I'm praying for you.
And be kind to yourself right now - this WILL pass.

Kyla said...

Hey! You've read a book this year! That's something. I'm on the third page of the book I got for Christmas. And I think I'll be on that page for a good long while.

(and we're here when you have the time to unload, hang in there)

spaz said...

I was thinking you were becoming a little OCD with the blogging thing. Now we can add schizo to the diagnosis. :) We need to take depression off the list tho. :(

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Sympathizing with you about this parenting gig.
There's not much out there that's tougher than being a parent, that's for sure.

Her Bad Mother said...

Blogger keeps eating my comments here, but here's the gist of what I wanted to say: I KNOW. I SO know. We all do.


PJ said...

Love the way you pulled yourself right out of a blue funk. I was wanting to blog about my blue funk last week -- but so many people I actually know read my blog that I decided I wasn't ready to go THAT public. Instead I did trivia. LOL