Saturday, January 5, 2008

Rambling...

Earlier this week my level of dissatisfaction disgust with my physical appearance finally reached critical mass. Groan... I can't resist a bad pun. I decided to make some changes in what I eat. Some drastic changes.

Who am I kidding? I went on a diet. A diet for New Years. I know, I know...my originality is overwhelming. The diet has a name but I'll spare you the details in exchange for no trite comments about "diets not working" or "just exercise and eat right." I exercised this week. One whole time.

Thankyouverymuch.

And for the last five days I have measured and counted and planned my meals and drank my weight in water. I have been very, very good. But tonight I ate Wendy's. And an ice cream sandwich. Because sometimes a week with four children, albeit wonderful children, makes a Mama want some grease. And chocolate. Especially when the week has been so lacking in toddler-free time that Mama hasn't been able to write one lousy blog post.

And for those of you now thinking it's obvious my problem is I use food for comfort...Well, duh. I am years ahead of you on that revelation.

This morning I started the arduous process of un-Christmassing my home. Which, it turns out, I enjoy even less than the process of Christmassing my home. Oh, I love having a cheery decorated house at the holidays. It's just that something of those warm fuzzies gets lost when your tradition involves flinging things around your house, in desperation, five days before the holiday.

That being said, I think most of us agree that taking down the decorations is the greater of the two evils. Especially when a wide-eyed three year old stands before you asking,

"Why you taking away our Critmas tree, Mama?" as if I were not just Grinch-like - which we've established - but the actual Grinch. The next thing I know I'll be tying antlers to the dog and throwing the whole holiday off a cliff.

Suddenly the defense, "Beck said it would be very bad luck to leave the tree up until tomorrow" seemed somewhat lacking. Even the fact that it had been a crispy, brown fire hazard for a week no longer seemed reason enough to remove this treasure from our home. However, despite Ben's impressive guilt-trip powers, we dismantled the tree and properly disposed of it tossed it into the woods behind our house. Which is not like a cliff at all. For the record.

And then Ben and I headed off for the afternoon to our second very fun, very loud, birthday party in as many days. And when I returned home tired and starving, I found comfort in a sloppy fried chicken sandwich & cup of chili that weren't even that appetizing. But they were very comforting. Go figure.

And tomorrow night - for those of you wondering if I'm planning to stay on this wagon - I am cooking salmon and spinach. Which I love, but don't find comforting at all.

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Incidentally, yesterday's birthday party involved a couple old friends/acquaintances standing around talking about my blog. As in, some of them have actually read it. And each time it was mentioned my embarrassment level rose until I found myself wanting to crawl under a table.

Which was an enigmatic response, in retrospect. Because, while I know many bloggers keep their writings separate - even secret - from their real life relations, I never have. I offer it up to anyone who would like to read it. Eagerly, I admit, sometimes even proudly.

So why, when I find out that people I know actually do read it, do I find myself questioning what I write? And suddenly feeling it's silly, sentimental babble not worth reading at all?

It seems I am setting myself up to feel insecure, which is an area where I don't generally need any help.

11 comments:

painted maypole said...

oh... i am not brave enough to offer my blog to the general public. I have shared it's existence with only a very few select friends and family members, of which only a small number of them have actually read it with any regularity. but to stand around with people talking about my blog. that would be awkward, me thinks.

my comfort food tonight was smores. And I really enjoyed them until I sat down and did my food journal and thought about how many calories they were... and how that really blew my good record for the last few days out of the water. Alas. But there is always tomorrow. Which is a potluck at church. ack!

Chrissy said...

Joy, I almost wrote this exact post tonight, down to the tree-undecorating and the loud birthday parties.

It is a funny thing to have a blog, because you so desperately want people to read it and love it, but when they say so, you want to run and hide. Of course, you don't need to because your blog is brilliant and funny, but I know how you feel anyway.

Good luck with that spinach. You know it's really good wilted in some bacon grease. Just for the record.

bubandpie said...

Personally, I think there's something wrong with a person who DOESN'T derive comfort from food. Comfort is a big part of what food is FOR. (You just need to add to that repertoire other things that ALSO provide comfort! Now there's a New Year's resolution I can get behind.)

karen said...

There are no words to describe how much I hate the extra tasks of setting up and taking down holiday decorations. I have enough to do just trying to keep my house CLEAN! Adding holiday "cheer," in the form of extra housework does NOT make me cheerful. Must clean parts of house before decorations go out, clean decorations going out, clean decorations while out, clean decorations before packing away, pack away decorations...and we haven't even discussed the number of times the bathrooms should be cleaned in there. Give me cheer in the form of a little eggnog any day!

We also attend birthday parties that are endless hours of frenetic activity, loud noise, and joyless sugar. What happened to a few friends at the house for party games and a cake made by mom?

My blogs are not a secret part of my life. My family and several of my friends read it and figure probably more do than I know about. A couple of people I work with also know about it. I was a little uncomfortable at first but realized that the people who continue reading regularly are those who care about me and what's going on in my life. I think you write in a very honest way about things that are important to you. It's quite flattering that your friends read your blog. Like my friends, they may wish for more time with you and, until your kids are older and you've got more time of your own, are willing to settle with your blog to keep up. Keep writing with pride - your readers love you...you know we do!

Beck said...

Aaaah. Everyone I know reads my blog and it's kind of excrutiating. I didn't give anyone the address but it spread anyhow....
Okay, you know what? I started a diet on January 1st and I had the same meltdown yesterday. I think it has a lot to do with it being the weekend and also eating for comfort. So now I'm back on the diet again and not letting it set me back. ANd next time I'm at WEndy's, I'm having the chili.

the dragonfly said...

I've only told a few friends and family members, too. Sometimes I wish it could be more secret (ie, I gave the address to my parents, and while I tell them most anything, sometimes...well, you know), but that is life.

Tonight was lasagna with about a ton of cheese...but I ate a salad too. So I'm not too awful, am I??

Kyla said...

Sounds like you are just as glad as I am that this week is OVER. Whew.

Lori said...

I am in the midst of un-decorating too, and I hate it!! It really is the worst part of decorating for Christmas (if that makes sense).

I am finally making some progress in the weight loss arena, but I am still oh-so-sympathetic to that struggle. My sister and I commiserate a lot on this subject and we have said so many times, "I know what I am supposed to do, it's the follow through that is so darn hard!"

Hang in there. One day at a time. If you slip, get back on!

Christine said...

well, tyou know that my blog is top secret, yet i struggle with the why of it SO much. why not share it? why hide it? what scares me so much?

io think the fact that you share your blog is great and shows confidence. and everyone questions thier writing. everyone.

xoxo
c--

Running on empty

thirtysomething said...

"sometimes a week with four children makes a mama want some grease. and chocolate"
You could not have said that any more appropriately. Enjoy. You have earned it.
I think it is very cool that you share your blog. I still hesitate with that. A lot.

Lisa writes... said...

Four children definitely makes one want grease and chocolate; this I know from experience.

And I totally get the embarassment over finding out someone you know actually reads what you write. Shocks me every time and I too want to crawl under the table or make some lame excuse or even lamer joke...Weird, isn't it?