Gratitude - Day 12

Ben can't write. He knows all his letters. He knows all the sounds they make. He's just on the cusp of putting them together into words. He's discovered that adding or subtracting a letter can change things. He's fascinated by this. His enthusiasm makes my heart swell. I am thrilled with where he is cognitively. He's funny. And well mannered. And a people pleaser. And enthusiastic about everything. But he can't write.

He attempts to write B. E. N. on papers but it's pretty much illegible. He can't even trace B. e. n. with a modicum of success. He just can't. This has started to bother me. To cause me to worry. And that worry is making me angry. He's four.

And I want him to be four.

I don't want to care about whether his fine motor skills are going to give him trouble when he enters kindergarten next year. (Because I suspect they are.) I want him to explore what he is passionate about and nudge him gently towards things he may not be. I want him to sing songs and climb on rocks and read lots of books and color pictures and pretend to be a pirate for hours on end. I don't want him to sit at the table practicing writing his letters. He's not ready. Or maybe he is.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for the next phase. Where they started getting rated by what they can and cannot do. Where words like "behind" and "struggling" and "needs extra help" enter our vocabulary. Again.

Allison's having a difficult time in school. I have alluded to this several times before. I won't go into details but let's just say she's in 7th grade. And her problems are not academic. For the first time since first or second grade she leaves for school each morning dreading the day ahead of her. She feels unwelcome. Unaccepted. The other day she told me she feels invisible. And my heart, it crumbled.

I am relieved that Allie is talking to me about what is going on with her. But I don't know how to fix this for her, and it's killing me. I walk around with a pit of anxiety boiling in my stomach. Imagining her feeling unwanted. Imagining her feeling unworthy. I find myself treating her differently. I don't make her do quite as much around the house. I buy her small things to make her smile. I write her little notes. When she walks in the door from school I can't help but pounce on her, asking her a little too cheerfully and pointedly how her day was. I want so badly to make home a soft and comforting place to land.

When Allison was Ben's age we had concerns about her starting kindergarten the next year. Her birthday falls 6 days before the cut-off so she was the youngest. She didn't really know her letters and she was just seemed immature compared to the other kids. It seems so obvious to me now that she wasn't ready. But her teachers encouraged us to send her on, and so we did. (Incidentally her fine motor skills were amazing)

Eventually she caught up academically but socially she has always been younger. We will always regret the decision we made to send her on. Even now, eight years later, I cannot help but wonder if she would be in this place if she were a year older.

Did we make the right decision by her back then?
Probably not.
Did that decision cause her the pain she is experiencing now?
I don't know. There is no way too know.
Is it helping her to deal with her current situation by coddling her at home?
I don't know.
Am I afraid to send Ben on to Kindergarten because of Allie's struggles then and now.
Probably.
Would it be the right decision to hold him back as well?
I don't know.

I just don't. And it kills me that I don't. And that I may never know if the decision I make is the right one. The most difficult part of parenting is not doing what needs to be done, but knowing what to do. And relying on God when you don't. I'm not so good at this.
~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I am thankful for my two sensitive children.


May I always do right by you. And may my prayers be enough to carry you when I don't.

Gratitude - Day 11 (Crockpot condoms, peppermint mocha, and a blurry picture)

Imagine my surprise to find out that some of you were not familiar with slow cooker liners, which are - as Karen pointed out - also commonly called crock pot condoms. I might, however, refrain from referring to them as such when trying to locate them at your local grocery store. Just so ya know, they are located with the Ziplock baggies and saran warp. I am delighted to have been able to share such life changing information with my readers. BigMama* has her trip to the Dominican. I have crock pot condoms. We all do what we can.

So now I'm thinking we should all do some kind of post-your-favorite-slow-cooker-recipe carnival in honor of not having to clean our slow cookers. What do you think? Would you participate?

As for gratitude, today I am grateful that there was Coffeemate Peppermint Mocha Creamer at my Publix. They've been out since it arrived on the shelves. I'm starting to doubt it was ever really there. I think they may have been trying to build up demand with the "Peppermint Mocha" label in front of a large gaping hole in the creamer section. Like with gas. Encourage peppermint mocha creamer hording. It worked. I bought three.

And I am thankful that yesterday, while making dinner I stumbled upon something previously thought to be an urban legend. Look:

Four children. Snuggled together on the sofa. With no fighting or bickering or pushing for an entire hour. Yes, the spaced out expressions are because they were watching Ratatouille on TV. But I won't make a single apology about it. An HOUR, uninterrupted, to make dinner take pictures and post them on my blog while my children enjoyed tolerated each others company.

That's the American dream right there.

* Please don't take my attempt at humor as diminishing anything the compassion bloggers are doing to make a difference. This is a wonderful group of people and a wonderful organization. If you haven't been there, you really should check it out.

Gratitude - Day 10 (A wandering mind)

Today I made chicken and rice in the crockpot. I love those crock pot liners they came out with in the last couple years, and yes, that's what I am thankful for. I think they are worthy of an award. It gives me great satisfaction to bundle up the nasty goop from the bottom of the pot and throw it all away. I use the slow cooker once a week now and I think it's partly because of not having to clean it. What can I say, I am a dirty dishes wimp. My daughter comes by it naturally.

It occurred to me today, as I was smoothing down my liner before throwing in chicken, that this is an incredibly simple concept that could be applied to other areas of my life. Like what about a liner for the bottom of my purse? I could remove the cell phone, wallet and umbrella and then pull out the liner to throw away the 67 receipts, cracker crumbs, used tissues, stray army men, straw wrappers and the half eaten sucker.

Voila!

Or what about a liner to completely cover the floorboard of the car. Just like that... happy meal toys, 18 pieces of school/church/bible study artwork, french fries, gold fish, crayons from the Mexican restaurant, stray army men, empty water bottles and the dried milk from the spill last Friday.

You know what, I could even take this a step further and just line the entire inside of my house with plastic. Then when we pulled it up each week all the crunched up cheerios, dog hair, and sand tracked in from the sandbox would come with it. Oh, I am sure we'd loose some toys (stupid army men) hairbows and shoes, and an occasional ipod or pet in the process. But just imagine the benefits. I'd never vaccuum up another polly pocket or lego again. In fact, I don't think I'd even need a vaccuum. And I'm sure the kids would start picking up their stuff eventually, when they are down to one brown dress shoe and some coasters to play with.

So that's what I need. Disposable liners for the inside of my purse. And car. And house. So I can wad up all the left over trash and throw it away.

And, it seems, one for my brain as well. There is obviously a lot of stray trash in there. Like this whole ridiculous post.

Crockpot liners...that's what I am thankful for.

Gratitude - Day 9 (Three hundred)

This is my three-hundredth post.

300 posts! I can not fathom how I still have something to say. But even more so, I cannot fathom what you people are still doing here!

But oh how I love it. This crazy self-indulgent kinda scary, kinda great, addiction of putting my words, my fears, my joys, my silliness, my heart out there. Out here. And I love all of you, for each. and. every:

I know.
I hear you.
I get it.
I'm so happy for you.
I'm so sorry.
You made me laugh.
You made me cry.
I've totally been there.
You're kidding me.
I'm praying for you.
You can do it.
You're kids are so cute.
This is what I did...
I'm listening.
Me too.
Have fun.
You are a good mother.
You'll be OK.
She'll be OK.
He'll be OK.
Don't give up.
I love you.

that you have given me. I don't get back to all of you the way I should. And I don't understand why you are still here.

But, I am so, so grateful that you are.

Gratitude - Day 8

Today I am thankful for those adjustable waist elastic tab button things that they put inside pants. I am glad that you can now find them everywhere. Without this development my food challenged son would always be wearing pants 2 sizes too short. Or experience repeat performances of the time his pants fell to his ankles in the church parking lot.

(Oh dear drawstring, how I miss thee)

So thanks to all the brands that have come forward to give aide to the cause of skinny kids. Sewing impaired mamas everywhere are in your debt.

Gratitude - Day 7 (Allie)

I'm crawling back to the computer exhausted again tonight. It's 11:3oPM and I just now finally made home for the first time today for longer than 15 minutes. I'm operating on 5 hours of sleep and just took 2 sleeping pills. I have about twenty minutes before I start drooling on the keyboard.

That being said, it was a great day with so many things to be grateful for. But as my brain is turning to mush as I write this, I will just focus on one.

Today I checked Allie out of school. She's been having a bit of a hard time lately so I decided to take her out for dessert and hot chocolate.

By the way, have you TRIED Starbucks new Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate? Oh. My. Goodness! But I digress.

Allie and I chatted over marble loaf about my friends and her friends, her school and my work and what we would do when she turned thirteen and was finally allowed to wear makeup. (The important stuff.) Then I took her to get her hair cut. She looked lovely and sweet with her blonde bob and it was so easy for me to see in her the little girl who used to sing a silly song about me being her best friend. We were always together then. She thought I hung the moon in the sky.

We have displaced each other in our rolls in recent years. She, with new friends and interests, and me with two new little blonde fans. It's been a difficult transition for both us, having to share. And my fall from grace in her eyes has been more than a little painful for me.

But in these simple, quiet (and way to rare) moments together, I see a glimpse of something even lovelier that may yet come between us. A relationship not based on me holding up the sky for her, but on each of us holding it up for each other. Based on equal footing, and shared memories, and - I am hopeful - friendship.

She's only twelve now. There's still a long - and probably bumpy - road ahead of us to get from here to there. But I'm looking forward to it. Because my girl, she's gonna make a wonderful friend.

Gratitude - Day 6 (Random stuff)

I'm really tired tonight. It's been a long busy day. And I have promised myself not to let this 30 Days of Thanks thing stress me out. So I am going to keep this simple.

Today, I am thankful for:

• One hour photo development.
• Gas at $1.99 a gallon!
• My job, that allows my children to attend the preschool they L.O.V.E. for free and lets me speak to adults two mornings a week.
• My children's preschool which they L.O.V.E!
• Ben sitting in the back of my car adding an "s" to every word he could think of. It went something like this. "If you add that little "s" to the end of car, you get cars. If you add that little "s" to the end of Army Man you get Army Mans." Oh, the cuteness of hearing him saying "that little s" over and over again! I couldn't stand it! And oh, the joy that comes from watching your kid learn to put letters together into words!
• Exclamation Points!
  

G'night.