Monday, September 22, 2008

But I have promises to keep,...

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
~Robert Frost
It's been a frustrating kind of day today. Crammed full of errands that, while necessary, made me feel as if I had accomplished nothing but another 100 miles on the minivan. To work. To school. To the store for just-enough-to-get-us-by. To the dermatologist for Brandon followed by the lab for blood work. (It's $100 cheaper at the lab.) To the dentist to pick up a book Allison left there last week for she simply-must-know-how-it-ends. (And how could I ignore that request?) To the jewelry store to pick up a ring I had re-sized. An important ring - the most important - unworn since sometime before Clara's birth. The resizing itself a concession to one more area where I can't seem to get my act together.

And I am tired.

Tired from the defeat of one too many balls shattering at my feet. One too many forms turned in late, one too many phone calls from teachers. Too many appointments rescheduled or missed altogether. And too many children calling my name, needing my time and I... just me. Just one. Too many angry words and "not now"s. Too many broken promises to finally get organized. Too much being not quite enough.

Not. quite. enough. Not quite good enough for this job that I have. Mother of four. Keeper of the home. Fulfiller of needs and dreams. His and theirs. It's an ugly voice that whispers to me tonight. And it's words are so familiar I know them by heart. Words that chant, "I'm failing. Oh Lord, I'm failing."

And so I will go now and pray. Pray to The One, who promises to be more than sufficient, that He will help me be simply enough. Just for tomorrow to be enough and not let them down. Him and the people that are counting on me.

How did I come to have so many people counting on me?

Because right now I just feel small and unworthy. And tired. Really tired.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." ~Matthew 11:28-29


Karen said...

I hear you, I really do. Glad you get that soul connection to the One who knows you & brings comfort - sometimes that is all there is to do.

painted maypole said...

you alone, can not be enough. you know that. but you also know what you need to BE enough

"all of you
is more than enough for
all of me
for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me with your love
and all I have in you is more than enough"

hugs and prayers to you

Kathryn said...

Sometimes praying is all we can do. Luckily it ends up being more than enough.
Sending prayers your way. :)

Lori said...

Oh, Joy... you sound tired, and weary, and even a little broken. And that's okay- you are only human and you need to be so many things to so many people. I will pray that you are truly blessed with grace in the days ahead and some much needed refreshment for your spirit. You are wonderful! I may not "know" you, but I know that!!

Spice Girl said...

Yes, Joy, you are only one, but you are the perfect one to do the job you have or you wouldn't have been given it. Your Weekids don't want some other mother--neither does Allison. And Brandon certainly appreciates your efforts (deep down? Hee hee--he is a teenager after all).

Even if you feel balls are dropping around you, you'll pick them up again when you can, dust them off and send them where they need to go.

You'll do it. Because you're you. And you're the only you there is. And we all love you.


Kyla said...

Oh Joy. You know He put you right where you belong. You were made for what you do, friend. He created you for it and He'll carry you through.

kandy gibson said...

I hope your feeling better today. I too had a day just like yours. Just like so many of your friends have said, God appointed us with our special jobs because he knows we can do the best we can with what He has given us. And He has given us so much love and so many blessings. Our Weekids were made for us for a reason. I keep having to pray and remember that (espeically yesterday)for myself. God loves us even if we feel like we are failing. Thankfully our kids love us as well. They still need us and still depend on us to do the best we can do. Just like any journey, there will be some bumps along the way and we dust off and learn from them and strive to do better. We'll just keep our eyes on His light to guide us through, He will never fail us.

You are a wonderful, beautiful young woman. I know your kids appreciate all that you do. Hang in there! There will be brighter days.

nutmeg said...

I truly believe God doesn't give anybody more than they can handle - platitudish maybe - but I believe it. He has a lot of faith in you.

A beautiful post all of us can relate to.

Christine said...

joy, i only wish you could see the light the emanates from your heart, your soul. i can see it and feel it all the way out here, so i know your family and god can see it and feel it, too.

you are loved, joy. truly.

you are enough. you are everything that family needs.

Lisa writes... said...

Once again you've captured my life in words more beautifully written than I could have ever attempted on my own. "Not. quite. enough."--I live there, especially this week. Oh, but my God is All Sufficient and MORE THAN enough!

Kelly said...

This is exactly how I feel today. I am overwhelmed. I am so glad I found your blog.

Julie said...

Ahhh... I could have written these exact words on my own blog, if I had one that was more than just pictures of my family. That question of "how did so many come to depend on me?" Runs through my mind quite often. That and the wondering how He can possible think I am capable of being any good at this. His confidence in me bewilders me. Why He entrusts me with these precious children of His... just more proof that His ways are not my ways.

Oh, and thanks for the poem... now I have that song stuck in my head!