It's hard at these times not to wish I was someone different. Someone who doesn't frantically try to locate school forms the morning (or the morning after) they are due. Someone who always remembers doctor's appointments and to wash the orange shirt for "orange day." Someone who actually knows where the hair bow is that matches Clara's apple dress. Someone who's husband never has to say "I'm out of clean socks. Again."
Our verse for September in preschool and in 3-year-old-choir happens to be the same one: Psalms 139:14 "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Lately I have been thinking of that verse a lot. The whole verse actually reads:
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.I praise my God for my husband. I praise my God for my children. For my friends, for the weather, for watermelons and rainclouds and strong coffee. I look for reasons to praise Him every single day. But I feel certain I have never offered Him a single acclamation for the wonderful way he made me. Because - probably like a lot of people - I spend a lot of energy wishing He had made me differently.
But He didn't. This has been my personality, these have been my shortcomings, for as long as I can remember. For some reason (and I really would like to discuss this with Him) He designed me - knitted me together - to be this flighty, emotional, undisciplined mess. Well, OK, the mess part may have been my addition but I was undisciplined and disorganized at age 5. I'm sure of it.
Which leads me to believe that God can use me for His glory just the way he created me. That, in fact, I should be offering praises for being fearfully and wonderfully made. Praises that he can take not-nearly-enough-me right where I am and use me despite of, or maybe even because of, my flaws. Because God, he's not just in the habit of molding pots. He also the maker of the clay. Lumpy and ugly and hard to handle, but with a potential only he can see.
Hmmm... It's an amazing thought.
And now, I wish I could end this post with a divine revelation on how exactly God is going to do this in my life. But honestly, I got nothin'. I'm still tired and overwhelmed and I don't see that changing in the near future. And, I'm still a bit down because of it. So for now, I'm just going to keep doing what I am doing: Trying to get organized. Praying that God will help me keep these balls in the air or maybe just give me permission to drop one.
But I do feel like I have learned something. That I may have taken a step away from my old home in the land of comparison and self loathing and towards a place of hope. And I believe that those small steps are really what this journey is all about.
So fear not friends I won't be slitting my wrists with that tardy permission slip any time soon. Besides, I couldn't...I have no idea where it is.