The wheels on the bus...

July 4, 2007

My first attempt at video uploading. This is the boy. He has been up to his shenanigans again. Just in the last hour before he went to bed, he sprayed Clara in the face with spray starch, put Brandon's PS2 CD in the VCR and emptied a tissue box onto the floor. He also managed to shut his finger in the front door earlier today, poor thing, and cried for no less than an hour.

So... the quality of this video is poor but it served it's purpose of reminding me of a gentler day.

Rock On!

So my new, old friend, Karen just nominated me for a Rockin Girl Blogger award.

I think that saying anything about me, a prudy mother-of-four, is rockin is very funny . Just ask my teenager. Especially if you take into consideration that Karen just watched me attempt to dance-it-up at a wedding we both attended. But still I appreciate the nod, the kind things she said about me, and the fun pink (my favorite color) BLING she gave me for my site.
I am now supposed to nominate other blogger-chics for the Rockin Girl Blogger award, but I am not gonna, rebel that I am. It's actually because I have just posted 2 memes in the last weeks and I am taking a break from chain blogging to keep me from being too annoying. Well to attempt it anyway. But if you feel you rock, please steal the button. You deserve it just for being kind enough to come here and read my posts.

Like mother, like daughter

Allison and I have always had a tug-a-war relationship. She pulls...I pull harder: each of us trying to get our flag across the center line. Many days my heart is worn and frayed from the constant tugging friction. Now, don't get me wrong, there are times, lots of times actually, when the rope gets slack, and we meet in the middle over songs, or shopping, or Anne of Green Gables, but it's always been strange to me that we don't coexist more often in harmony, given the fact that we are so much alike. Maybe it's because of that likeness, that we do struggle. It's not always easy to look in a mirror. I see so much of myself in her and I want her to overcome my personality in ways I haven't managed yet. I want her to be strong where I am weak, to succeed where I have failed.

Despite this often tumultuous relationship, we have never been good at being apart. As an infant, Allison and I spent hours, days even, alone together. Shane, who was working long hours and in school, only saw us in bits and glimpses, and on Sundays. Allie and I suffered through that first rocky year almost physically attached to each other. So I guess it was only natural that when I went back to work when she was 15 months that our hearts broke at the loss of each other. She spent her hours at daycare sitting alone in a corner, incapable of expressing or even comprehending the loss she felt. I went to work each day crying, my stomach retching over the grief of my little girl. Obviously things couldn't stay that way. We changed daycare, we shortened working hours, and we adapted. As time passed, and she grew older, it became conceivable to be separated for jobs, for sleepovers and then even eventually, for sleepover camp.

Last year, in 4th grade, Allison decided that she and her friend, Sadie, wanted to go away to church camp. I was surprised and a bit concerned. Previously, Allison was only willing to attend school trips and choir trips if I was able to go as her chaperon. Chaperoning church camp last year, was out of the question, as I was nine months pregnant with Clara. After much discussion she decided that she was ready to embark on a trip away from me, with Sadie at her side.

When the morning came for her to leave we found out that Sadie had been bumped to a different room, and Allie, who doesn't make friends easily, was with someone new. She was fiercely trying to hold back tears and I was trying hard to support her, an encouraging smile pasted on my face. As buses drove away, I smiled and waved and then, of course, I burst into tears. My stomach was sick and retching once again with anxiety that she would be ignored, ridiculed, that she would be sad or lonely. For four long days I waited anxiously for her to return only to find out that she had a wonderful time and couldn't wait to return the next year.

Well, next year was yesterday. I didn't cry when she and Sadie boarded the buses this time. Ben and Clara and I kissed her off to a cheerful goodbye and got in the car and drove home. I congratulated myself on what an evolved and together (and not nine months pregnant) parent I had become. Then this evening, I found her performance CD for the talent show on the kitchen counter. Allie and I had rehearsed together for this. I drove her to the audition and watched her with butterflies in my stomach and then my heart soared when she blew them all away. We rejoiced together when she found out she was chosen. We had, just the night before, picked out the outfit she would wear to sing. And now she would not be able to perform. It was back again, the nausea, the anxiousness. My heart was aching knowing how sad she would be when she found out.

And so this afternoon, I am going to ignoring this nagging voice that tells me I am teaching her something bad about responsibility, and I am going to drive her CD the hour and a half to camp. I called the number on the pink piece of paper, the number for emergencies only, cringing even as I did it, to let them know I was coming. I know they think this is crazy. I know this is just a silly camp talent show and there is probably some lesson to be learned here for both of us. But all I can think right now is that she will be heartbroken because... I know. I know what it's like to forget things, to lose things, I have done it all my life, and I can fix this for her. And so, just this once, I am not going to teach the lesson, I am not going to tug back on the rope. I am going to get in my car and bring my baby girl, who's not a baby anymore, her CD.

And I think maybe that's okay.


Allison and Sadie, off to camp

a special bond

Last night The Man had the night off parenting to go play poker with his friends. Since The Man is typically the one who supervises putting Ben and Clara to bed, our routines were a little off. After snuggling in bed for smooches and one more round of My Friend Rabbit, I turned off the light and slipped out Ben's door. A few minutes later, I heard Ben in his room crying. Wailing actually. I immediately hurried to his room, worried because he never cries at bedtime. When I got to his side and asked him what was wrong he responded, between sobs,

"I need my brudder!"

Apparently, I had forgotten the most important part of the bedtime routine: goodnight hugs from his big brother. I ran and told Brandon who jumped up, delighted to have been so passionately missed. And as I stood in the doorway and watched them embrace, my heart was overflowing with thanksgiving. For what a blessing it is to have two boys who are so profoundly in love, with each other.
Brandon and Ben, 2005

Eight Random Facts Meme

So while I was in New York (do you see how I like to drop the fact that I actually left the lovely state of Georgia for a change into every possible post) Greenblogger tagged me for the Eight Random Facts Meme. I didn't happen to notice the tag until a couple days ago, but in light of my current lack of blogging inspiration, I am grateful for a jumping point..Lets just hope it's not off a cliff.

It's also the first time I have been tagged for a meme, so I feel a bit like I have been invited to sit at the cool kids table.

Let's see...I'm supposed to post the rules:
A. Each player lists eight facts/habits about themselves
B. The rules are posted at the beginning of the game before those facts/habits are listed.
C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Check.

Now I have to come up with eight interesting facts. Eight. Interesting. Hmmm...
In case some of you haven't noticed a reoccurring theme on my blog lately, I am feeling a bit insecure about my ability to actually be interesting. I guess this will either help me with this issue, or put a big fat nail in the proverbial coffin. Anyone taking bets?

1. I share joint custody of my two cats with my old roommate (whom I love dearly). When we each got married she moved with them to Michigan. Then when they got on her husbands nerves too badly she couldn't bare to keep them from me any longer she drove them 15 hours to come back and live with me. She now has visitation rights and comes to see them almost never regularly.
2. I bite my nails down to the quick. It's a neurotic habit. Yuck
3. I believe the Bible is true.
4. It used to be my dream to sing on Broadway and I am addicted to show tunes. It's now my daughter's dream to sing on Broadway and she is also addicted to show tunes. Sharing and obnoxious passion with your offspring: Divine.
5. One of my biggest regrets is that I only have a high school level education. When Clara starts school I will finally get to start college. That will be one year after Brandon starts college.
6. My name is Joy and I am an awful driver. I have wrecked every car I have ever owned (with the exception of my current vehicle), at least once. Usually several times. I was once in two car accidents in one day. I wrecked my car and the company vehicle within hours of each other. It's currently been three years since my last accident.
7. I have a driving anxiety (see #6) and really wish I could find a way to function in this world without ever having to drive.
8. I love to watch movies but rarely ever like the movie. I simply can't find a way to like reality TV.

Now I am supposed to tag 8 people to do this Meme but since it's been making it's rounds for quite a while now, I am only tagging three.

1. A Happier Girl
2. From Glory to Glory
3. Losses and Gains

Latenight confessions

I think I left my blogging voice in New York. I don't know if I ever really had a blogging voice, goodness knows I haven't been doing it long. But before I left, I started to feel like I was getting in a groove. I started viewing events in my life within the context of how I could share them on my blog. I was excited about this passion for writing I had rediscovered after so long. I knew I wasn't a great writer, any illusions I had about that disappeared as soon as I became regular visitors to other blogs, but I loved it. It had been a long time since I felt passionate about much beyond my family. I went to bed rearranging words into phrases in my head and trying to decide if I should get up and write them right away, lest they poof away while I was sleeping. Apparently this was a legitimate concern because by the time I made it back from my trip, every bit of blogging mojo I had conjured up....Well, poof, poof, poof.

It took me three days to write a post about my trip. I started several times, but each time it was like clawing my way through dirt to pick out words that didn't really seem to fit together. I had no real message. I wasn't inspired. I eventually put something together to document my trip. Something was better than nothing I thought, and it was such a wonderful trip. And then I waited for something to inspire me to write again. And again nothing. So here I sit, well past midnight, blogging about blogging and my inability to do so. The irony is not lost on me.

There is something about night, about being shrouded in dark that leads us to confide. As a teenage girl I confided so many secrets to friends while sharing fold out-beds or palettes on the floor. My words finding safety in faces unseen. It's like that now, as I sit here and type in the dark, on a keyboard I can't even see. It's easy to ruminate, my insecurities finding residence in my idleness. And it's easy to confess; things like my fears that maybe I really am out of my league in this world of bloggers. My fears that maybe the reason I can find nothing to write is that I am not interesting, or because I simply lack the talents to find and record the gems in each day God gives us.

But now I am being grim. Someone I know emailed me and said they read my blog. She said she read it and it impressed her but at the same time it made her sad. My trials with Brandon, Allie's insecurities and my own about my place in this world. The title of my blog is "joy in chaos" but I think I have only conveyed the chaos in my heart and not the joy. I should share more joy. These are the things I think about at night. That and Harry Potter.

*********************
I guess that's my next confession. I just ordered the last Harry Potter book to be delivered on July 21st. I even used my precious Barnes & Noble gift certificate to pay for it. I think I was resisting because it didn't feel like a meaningful enough purchase. How ridiculous is that. Apparently I believe if I am going to buy a book at full-hardcover price it must be life changing. So, I thought a lot about what I would order. What books should I read, that I never have. What did I want to display proudly on my bookshelf. And then I went to Bub and Pie's blog and I saw her countdown for the last book and I knew that nothing would make me more excited than having that sitting on my doorstep on the 21st . Because the truth is that despite the fact that it's a pop-culture phenomenon, and I am sometimes a pop-culture snob, I simply love those books. And for good measure I used the rest of the certificate to order the 6th book as well because we don't own that one either. (And all I can remember about it is weeping through the last pages) And then I went and shamelessly stole the code for Bub and Pie's counter and stuck it on my site to count down the days til my delivery. Because that makes me happy. Very happy. So I guess that's a bit of joy, after all.

Things I learned on my trip to New York

1. Planes rarely leave when they are scheduled

I don't actually know if this is true for everyone, or just for me. I don't fly much, but when I do you can bet that I will not be arriving on time. Allison and I crawled into bed at my Aunt's house about 2:30 AM. We didn't mind so much though. We had dinner, read books, talked about our plans for the trip. It's amazing how waiting can actually be enjoyable when the romper-room crowd is at home in bed. Plus, we got to take pictures like this.
Lovely, I know. Heh Heh

2. Allison doesn't like crowds.

I am surprised I didn't know this. I know I have said things like "Allie likes her one-on-one time" before, but this trip it became very clear that she doesn't like socializing in crowds. Each time we were together with a large group of people (which, since we were visiting with family and attending a wedding, happened a lot) she would wander off by herself. She wasn't sad or looking for attention. She was perfectly happy off by herself reading, or looking around, or finding one person to visit with. That's very different from me. I love crowds. It makes me wonder what other things I never noticed.

3. If you want to know who really loves you, look for people with dirty hands.

My cousin Bethie's wedding weekend was the product of lots of work by many people. I continued to be amazed at the number of friends and family-members who were up early and up late to decorate, clean-up, run errands, cook, chauffeur and do countless other small things to make sure her day was special. She's an amazing person to inspire so much sacrificial love from others. But that part, I already knew.

4.Strong's Children's Museum in Rochester, NY is, like, totally awesome!
Really, it's worth the trip to the upstate NY area just to spend the day there. It's full of wonderful hands-on exhibits that encourage your kids to play more, create more, read more. And it's huge. I could go on and on about this place. Fabulous.

5.Dancing is good for your soul. We should dance more.

When we are young, we dance all the time. As a kid we do it whenever the mood strikes us. It's inherent in us this desire to move to the music. As a young person we dance at parties, at school, in clubs, and then eventually, at our friend's weddings. But something happens as an adult and we don't dance anymore. And when we do, we tend to feel a bit foolish, like this is something reserved for the young. And thin and coordinated. I wish this wasn't so. I love dancing. I'm not particularly good at it. I have a decent sense of rhythm but no coordination. But I danced at Bethie's wedding. And Allison danced with me, until we were both exhilarated and out of breath. And no, there are no pictures of me dancing. (Although there were some taken I believe) because this would not encourage you to dance more. It would encourage you to laugh more, and that really wasn't the point.

6. My daughter is beautiful.

I spend a lot of time observing Ben and Clara. Noting the small changes. Documenting the feel, the smell, the look of their chubby cheeks, the sounds of their voices. Trying to capture it all through the lens of a camera. It's been a long time since I looked at Allison that closely. But several times this weekend I was just blown away by the beauty of her. Amazed in fact, at what a gorgeous thing she has become. Her beautiful pale skin. The faraway look in her eyes. I know some of this is viewed through the rose-tinted glasses of motherhood, but that's okay. I hope I always see her that way.

7. The Spice Girls should have a reunion more often.

My cousins (biological and adopted) and I refer to ourselves as the spice girls. I can't really remember how this started. I was told that it had something to do with platform shoes and the fact that one of us is named Ginger. Our spice girl names change with our situation (I have been joyful spice, singing spice, sappy spice and for 2 stints at the end of my pregnancies..."Puff Mama") Our group has also grown larger over the years, expanding to include other relatives and friends in it's circle. It's a beautiful thing, my relationship with these other spice-girl-women It has been a shining light for me in many dark days. When the doctor told us we had probably lost Clara they prayed like crazy. When I fell into a very dark hole of depression after she was born then hauled me out of it and sent me weeping to the doctor. They have supported me when I have felt like a complete failure of a mother because I couldn't get Ben to eat anything that wasn't pureed. My only regret is that this relationship has been sustained almost completely by email. Sometimes daily, sometimes with weeks in between. We live, all of us, in different states. The spice-girl wedding of the century brought us back together again in person, but the time was too short and after much too long an absence. It needs to happen again, annually. And I am going to make it happen.

8. My Babies Can Survive Without Me.

I missed my other children horribly while I was gone. I was actually moved to tears a couple times by the pangs I felt at being away from them. However, the visions I had of Ben and Clara pining away in my absence were completely wrong. The Man said Ben only asked for me once and they were both great. Sigh. I guess it's wrong to feel bad they weren't suffering. But well, a bit of pining wouldn't really be too much to ask, would it?

9. There's No Place Like Home.

I knew this already, but there is nothing quite like 5 days away from your family, to help you remember. I absolutely could not wait to get home.

I am glad to be back.