Saturday, July 7, 2007

Latenight confessions

I think I left my blogging voice in New York. I don't know if I ever really had a blogging voice, goodness knows I haven't been doing it long. But before I left, I started to feel like I was getting in a groove. I started viewing events in my life within the context of how I could share them on my blog. I was excited about this passion for writing I had rediscovered after so long. I knew I wasn't a great writer, any illusions I had about that disappeared as soon as I became regular visitors to other blogs, but I loved it. It had been a long time since I felt passionate about much beyond my family. I went to bed rearranging words into phrases in my head and trying to decide if I should get up and write them right away, lest they poof away while I was sleeping. Apparently this was a legitimate concern because by the time I made it back from my trip, every bit of blogging mojo I had conjured up....Well, poof, poof, poof.

It took me three days to write a post about my trip. I started several times, but each time it was like clawing my way through dirt to pick out words that didn't really seem to fit together. I had no real message. I wasn't inspired. I eventually put something together to document my trip. Something was better than nothing I thought, and it was such a wonderful trip. And then I waited for something to inspire me to write again. And again nothing. So here I sit, well past midnight, blogging about blogging and my inability to do so. The irony is not lost on me.

There is something about night, about being shrouded in dark that leads us to confide. As a teenage girl I confided so many secrets to friends while sharing fold out-beds or palettes on the floor. My words finding safety in faces unseen. It's like that now, as I sit here and type in the dark, on a keyboard I can't even see. It's easy to ruminate, my insecurities finding residence in my idleness. And it's easy to confess; things like my fears that maybe I really am out of my league in this world of bloggers. My fears that maybe the reason I can find nothing to write is that I am not interesting, or because I simply lack the talents to find and record the gems in each day God gives us.

But now I am being grim. Someone I know emailed me and said they read my blog. She said she read it and it impressed her but at the same time it made her sad. My trials with Brandon, Allie's insecurities and my own about my place in this world. The title of my blog is "joy in chaos" but I think I have only conveyed the chaos in my heart and not the joy. I should share more joy. These are the things I think about at night. That and Harry Potter.

I guess that's my next confession. I just ordered the last Harry Potter book to be delivered on July 21st. I even used my precious Barnes & Noble gift certificate to pay for it. I think I was resisting because it didn't feel like a meaningful enough purchase. How ridiculous is that. Apparently I believe if I am going to buy a book at full-hardcover price it must be life changing. So, I thought a lot about what I would order. What books should I read, that I never have. What did I want to display proudly on my bookshelf. And then I went to Bub and Pie's blog and I saw her countdown for the last book and I knew that nothing would make me more excited than having that sitting on my doorstep on the 21st . Because the truth is that despite the fact that it's a pop-culture phenomenon, and I am sometimes a pop-culture snob, I simply love those books. And for good measure I used the rest of the certificate to order the 6th book as well because we don't own that one either. (And all I can remember about it is weeping through the last pages) And then I went and shamelessly stole the code for Bub and Pie's counter and stuck it on my site to count down the days til my delivery. Because that makes me happy. Very happy. So I guess that's a bit of joy, after all.


bubandpie said...

The dreaded blogger's block! Everybody gets it sometimes. I don't really take trips, but the one time I did, I didn't write a single word about it on my blog (even though it was a trip to a conference to do a paper about blogging with other bloggers!). I just didn't have anything to say. Blogging is mostly about ordinary life - it's hard to extend that to travel sometimes.

And yay for Harry Potter? (I'm singing my Harry Potter song right now - it goes basically mi-so-mi-do clap, clap, clap-clap-clap!)

nutmeg said...

Look at that, in the midst of your insecurity as a blogger you wrote a beautiful post that all of us can relate to. I used to read other people's blogs and think, 'Why bother? I can never write that well.' And then I asked myself, who am I doing this for? Suddenly, the block unblocks and the joy is shining in its place!

painted maypole said...

yup, I agree. You found something to blog about, and did it beautifully. Harry is scheduled to arrive on my doorstep on the 21st as well. In an unfortunately twist of fate, so is an old friend from California whom I haven't seen in 3 or so years. I will have to make Harry wait a few days, I think, or else I will just stay up all night reading him and survive my days by drinking Mountain Dew. Who am I kidding? I better stock up on that Mountain Dew.

Lisa writes... said...

What a beautiful post and by that I mean beautifully written and wonderfully expressed. Don't sell yourself short; you have a gift with the keyboard!

Our journey through the blog world has many similarities: the ebb and flow of ideas, the ebb and flow of enthusiasm, the ebb and flow of insecurity.

Plus, I too am counting down to July 21! Like you, "I love these books" and can't wait to see how Harry will prevail (because he will. He must. I also think Snape is good.)

So glad you dropped by my site and commented! Blessings, Lisa

Lori said...

I am so glad to hear that someone else goes about their day imagining how certain events might be turned into a post!! I really thought I was starting to go crazy! Well... maybe I am, but at least I am not alone!

I love hearing about both the joy AND the chaos. It helps me remember that they are both a natural part of life and parenthood.

Anonymous said...

I cried at the end of the last book, too!!

thirtysomething said...

Oh my goodness. I do the same thing about posting. Really. I am new to blogging and half the time I don't feel like I am posting anything that anyone but me cares about. Not to mention trying to find things to post about. So cool that I am not alone in this feeling. :)
I am sensing a theme of the week with Harry. Between you and Painted Maypole and Bub and Pie, I really need to read these books. Like now.
Like nutmeg said, I was first introduced to the world of blogging by a friend. I was captured and began also reading other blogs as well. I definitely thought I couldn't even begin to post anything as introspective as some of those blogs, but it is fun to have a place to vent, and share life's experiences. I find that I look forward to checking to see if I have had anyone 'stop by' and leave me a thoughtful word in response.
Blog on, friend.