Sometimes, when I become so weary of carrying this burden alone, and the reprieve I am anticipating feels so far away... Sometimes, when I have walked the same steps and said the same words so many times, that even my anger has become stale...and I can no longer find the magic, even in you, His most glorious creations...
Sometimes, but not often, Thank God not often, when the chaos inside me becomes a maelstrom, the tears come, and the shouting. I hear the ugliness and the criticisms in the words I couldn't keep inside and I know I have gone too far. I know that I have left a mark on your spirit that will not completely heal. I have left a scar. And because of me, someday, you may feel less. Less whole, less sure, less capable.
Less loved.
Forgive me for my anger. Forgive me my arrogance in thinking myself capable. How could I have thought that I could be worthy of you? Worthy to guide you through the storms?
I, who keep losing my way.
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6 comments:
This brought me to tears, as i know (i think) exactly how you feel. I looked at my little girl this evening and almost burst into tears as all i did today was get frustrated and crabby and short with her. I fear that i, too, go too far with the kids sometimes. I expect too much. My love for them is so fierce. SO FIERCE. Yet when i am tired and sad and confused i lose sight of what i am doing and just get angry. I want to be better; so much better than this.
This was written with such beauty and thoughtfulness. You ARE a good mother. You are.
One of the most beautiful things about children is their readiness to forgive.
And I promise you that when your children look back on their experiences with you, they will remember the way you most often were with them, not the relatively rare times when you were tired, or snapped...
Christine-I just wanted to thank you for being so faithfully uplifting on my posts. You are a dear and I am glad you continue to stop by.
My mother-in-law says that people get the child(ren) they can handle. Most of the time, I agree with this philosophy...but there are days when I can't believe ANYONE could "handle" my child(ren) and wonder how they (my kids) will survive to adulthood. On those days, I try to remind myself (often while yelling my head off) that I *can* handle these kids, that I *am* a good mother. Next time I'm hollering, I'll remind myself that you are also a good mother! Maybe it will help you on some cosmic level?
what a beautiful, amazing post this is
I fully agree with SM. Children, fortunately, are so forgiving. I know the scars my parents left on me are almost completely gone. I don't remember the bad times near as much as the good ones. Your Thursdays are completely like mine...wore out and ready for a bit of assistance from dear old dad!
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