Tuesday, June 19, 2007

My boys.

Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday Ben, my sweet exuberant boy, woke up on little-boy speed and never stopped. Hitting his baby sister, pouring hand soap on her head, coloring on my carpet with black permanent marker, per-ma-nent marker! He peed on the floor. Twice. When I was trying to get him and Clara out the door to Gymboree I went to put him in the car and found him a block down the street with the dog. He was beside me a minute ago. Wasn't he beside me a minute ago? Back in timeout. Back to your room. Again. Again. Again. All the while he's giggling and happily confessing with unashamed mischievous eyes.

Brandon, my teenager, who breaks my heart a little bit everyday. Home from the weekend with anger in his eyes. Grumbling. Disrespect. Annoyance. Constant annoyance. Every sentence a battle. I am the thing he dreads, the worst part of his day. Me. Whom he used to love. He did used to love me. I think I remember. I love him with a jagged, aching, infuriating love. My boy, who's not a man, but wants so desperately to be. How do I help him find his way? I am trying so hard. But I am failing again and again and again. I feel desperately inept.

All day I was frustrated. I was angry. At these boys that carry my heart in their pockets. The mischievous one, the angry one. Angry at my own inability to be the kind of parent that knows how to handle these things.

Lord, help me raise my boys to be men. Kind Men. Men with passion and purpose and who love you. Help me not to stifle the boy in them but show me how to channel it, this thing that is so foreign to me. Give me the patience and the wisdom I cannot find within myself. Help me.

7 comments:

Christine said...

Joy, how hard! You ARE a good mom, it is just days like these that make us feel so useless, so "inept" as you put it. All I an say is hang in there. We are here and understand. Really.

I wish I had more advice about the teenager, but I am so far from that still. Al I know is that is frightens me.

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Days like that are truly rough, I know. Hang in there!

Don and Lynn said...

Wow! That was a really bad day! While I was draining the tub after the boys' bath yesterday, Blake tooted. I handed Brett off to Don, turned around and realized it wasn't just a toot, there was a turd in the bottom of the tub that, of course, Blake was scurrying to grab. GROSS! I quickly got him out before he could get it. As I was cleaning the poop out the tub, Blake came running across the bathroom and fell. It was then that I noticed he slipped on his own pee! Sheesh! So, I had to re-wash him. Then Brett peed in their room on the carpet. I felt like I had a litter of puppies in need of some quick potty training-lol. Some days you just can't win!

painted maypole said...

little boy spped? Oh how I know the effects of it's counterpart, "little girl speed".

Thank you for sharing this part, this rough and ragged and difficult part of parenting. When my daughter sits so warmly in my lap I think of the time, which will come far too fast, when our interaction is more eye rolling and sullen anger. It reminds me to soak up the love now, to try to bank it for those years to come.

slouching mom said...

I am dreading the teenage years. Dreading them. Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to handle the anger and hostility my boys are sure to toss my way.

I send you strength and courage, friend.

Spice Girl said...

Yesterday was a bad day here too. Really bad. Like so bad, I'm ready to catch a bus to Anywhere, USA and assume a new lifestyle. Hope today was better.

karen said...

Joy and Ging - My thoughts are with you both! Can't wait to see you next weekend. Grayhound comes to Somerville, NJ if you just can't wait. There's a guest room around here somewhere and I swear I will find it for either or both of you, as needed!