She also went on to say
"we each have our pet themes on our blogs, the issues that just won't quit, the issues that keep floating up to the surface"Ding. That's the light bulb turning on over my head.
I am thankful for Slouching Mom's post because it revealed to me how much I have been struggling with this issue here, at Joy in Chaos. My writing, actual post writing and not just photos or random family news bulletins, has slowed to nearly non-existent. While this is partly a result of a conscious decision to spend less time blogging, it is also because I fear that I find myself saying the same tedious things: *I love my kids. *I don't know how to raise a teenager. *Ben doesn't eat. *Clara doesn't walk. *Being a stay at home mom without much time off is really hard. *I have no time to blog. *I'm overweight. *My husband is a saint. *Aren't my kids cute. *I want to kill my kids. *I read books. *Jesus loves me this I know. *Meme, meme, meme, meme.
That's it. Seriously. My blog in it's entirety. And sometimes it's hard, when I see my life reduced to these topics again and again, not to feel insufferably dull. And so I stopped writing. Which is just craziness when I think about it. I was writing because I enjoyed it. And then people started reading it and I enjoyed it even more. And then I thought I might be boring people so I stopped writing. What's wrong with this picture?
This week, for example, I started another post about Clara, and the wretched conversation I had with her pediatrician on Friday. It's was an ugly post full of my own hurt feelings and some positively unchristian comments about the doctor. And I didn't complete it because I was certain that no one wanted to suffer through another round of my mental ping-pong on the issue. In hind site it's probably good that I didn't post it. Let's just say God would not have been glorified by the awful things I had to say about that woman. However, I see now that I was paralyzing myself by thinking too much about what people wanted to read. Which is just more craziness, because it's not like I have a slew of people coming here every day to get my opinions on the state of the universe.
So what will all this navel gazing actually amount to? Probably nothing. I am still not sure that I will ever find the time to write as much as I would like. But if I do, eventually, find a writing rhythm, don't be surprised if I end up writing four posts a week about Clara not walking or Allison's dramatic entrance into puberty. Because I tend to dwell on things. It's just who I am. And because I am going to learn to revel in my mundanity.
I know you can't wait.
Oh and as for the Clara thing...
Basically, the doctor stood by her initial recommendation that she needed to see a neurologist, (which I respect) and she was mean and condescending (which I don't.) And I cried. A lot. Because I felt angry and insulted and frustrated that I didn't stand up for myself more. But I am over it now. In an "I will never see that doctor again if my life depended on it" kind of way. And Clara will probably go to a neurologist. Despite the fact that we don't have the money and it is causing me to break out in a rash each time I think about following that doctor's recommendation.
But I'm over it. Really I am.