Wednesday, August 29, 2007

One heckuva downer post

Oh it's one of those days. One of those days. Where I just want to crawl into my bed, pull the down comforter over my head and stay there until 2010. Because really I think I would rather subject myself to a gynecological exam than fold another load of laundry. Or wipe down the counters or a pint sized bum one more time. Or referee another fight. Or try again to convince my three year old why it really is better to pee in the potty than in his underwear.

Or on the floor.

And baby girl has hand foot and mouth disease and is miserable. And she just wants to be held. And that would be fine, I would love to stop and hold her and comfort her, if my life, would just stop long enough to let me do so. But instead she crawls along behind me wailing while I try to get her brother ready for his preschool open house. And change his pants. Again. And remind myself to ask his preschool teacher if it's okay that he is a bit "spotty" on the whole potty training thing.

And the little pink pill that I take every night to help me get through the day, just doesn't seem to be doing it's job today. And it wasn't so hot yesterday either. And I can feel my blood pressure rising.

Oh. Which reminds me. Blood Pressure. Do you remember this post? The one where I kissed Gluttony and Sloth a fond farewell and embarked on a journey towards better health and lower blood pressure. Well it's going great.



~sorry I was waiting for the lightning strike~

Because my two old friends...they haven't left. Of course not. They didn't even get to the front door. They are like a freeloading uncle, camping out with promises to leave on Monday, or after this party, or you know...next year. They keep bribing me to stay with gooey dark-chocolate birthday cake and Friday night Mexican. And Wine. And Huge hot cups of coffee with lots of cream and sugar and caffeine. Because I can't freakin live without caffeine. How does one get through a day without coffee?

I still have no idea.

So not only are they still here but now they have brought friends. Oh yes it's true. Gluttony and Sloth, they know how to throw a party. They've brought everyone with them. Procrastination. Guilt. Self-Loathing. and 4 more pounds. FOUR MORE POUNDS!

And depression.

But he's not really my friend. Although I know him well, and the heavy sinking crawl-into-bed for a week feeling he brings with him. Like a fog settling over my consciousness.

But Him. He's not staying. Because I know how far I have come from where I was last year when Clara was born. The days before the medicine when it was only through Jesus carrying me that I made it through each day. And my friends and my husband telling me again and again I wasn't crazy. That I wouldn't always feel this way. That the love for her would come. Reassuring me that it was okay, even for people who love Jesus, even for those who depend on Him, to get help. And because of them. Because of His grace. I know that darkness is behind me and I know this is just a day.

One bad day. Or maybe two. Perfectly normal. And soon I will be back to normal too. Soon.

But maybe not today. Today, I still just want to run away.

16 comments:

Christy said...

My Nana always said 'This too shall pass' and by the sounds of it you know that already. Tomorrow will be better. Our prayers are with you.

spaz said...

I see you only have one comment on this post. That's depressing...

Chrissy said...

I know those days. And dealing with a sick child is trying even when you feel fine! And potty training and dieting at the same time? While cutting out caffiene? That's too much for one woman to do. You're definitely in my prayers. Hang in there.

spaz said...

Hey. Whadya say me, you, Gluttony and Sloth get together early Saturday morning go to Starbucks for our caffeine intake, and then head over to an outdoor concert to eat funnel cakes and/or fried pickles? Best friends are great, aren't they? After the concert, we can go to Chili's for our wine intake. And it'll be full day. Well, once we take a nap....

Leslie said...

Joy, I'm sorry to read that you're not having a great day. I'm sorry to read that your little one is sick. We all have days like this one. I know how you feel. May the Lord Himself strengthen you and lift you up as you cast your cares on Him...And your blog-readers, as I'm sure many of us will be praying for you today.

Lisa writes... said...

If wanting to run away is not normal, then NOT A ONE of us is normal! When I was in the throes of potty training and chasing toddlers, wanting to run away was an everyday deal...

But I stayed and did what I needed to do. As do you. The Lord grants His grace and His strength for today--He knows exactly what you need and He will provide it! He knows! He will! Believe Him! His mercies are new EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Hang in there...these days will pass...

I'm praying for you, friend...

painted maypole said...

prayers from this end, too. I've actually been spending lots of time in bed this week myself - fighting off some bug, I think, but then I start beating myself up for not accomplishing anything, not working out, not, not, not....

allow yourself some time and space. His mercies will come.

slouching mom said...

oh, joy.

be kind to yourself today, and tomorrow, and for as long as you need to be until things look a little sunnier.

and they will.

xxoo

Kyla said...

Prayers, love.

Even though it will indeed pass, it doesn't mean it isn't terribly hard in the meantime.

Heather :) said...

You are a wonderful mom, wife and friend! We all have these moments which does not in any way negate the said above. You are such a great part of my life and those around you. I am praying for you and His grace will come! :) love you!

Christine said...

"Someone to help you navigate the alleys that you mistakenly walked down." Let us carry you, too, friend. we are hear and with God's help and grace we can lift you high.

{{hugs}}

Lori said...

I think you ARE taking on too much! Don't try to give up everything at once. Pick one nutrition goal and try to stick with it for two weeks, and then try adding something else. Keep it simple, and if possible make it an addition not a subtraction. For example, trying to get two extra servings of vegetables a day. Just doing that alone will add to your health. I know that I do not have the willpower to cut out everything I enjoy from my diet. So instead, I try to keep the "bad stuff" in moderation, and add more "good stuff".

I'm sorry this has been such a hard couple of days... My heart goes out to you.

Sarah said...

Totally understanding you. I GET IT. I KNOW.
And I can't live w/o my daily "happy pill" either.

Michelle said...

Always see you over at happier girl's place and thought I'd come take a peek... Sorry you had such a down day. I've been kind of having a week like this too, and I sympathize from the bottom of my heart - hang in there!

thirtysomething said...

Oh, hon. I feel this. I SO feel this. Some days are just never-ending. Some feelings are never-ending...usually the ones that make us want to crawl and hide for a few years. But you are such a wonderful mother, and if you didn't have times like these, you would not appreciate the good, strong, happy ones as much.
Sick kids, potty-training kids, messes....these are the less-perfect parts of being a Mom. But, you are someone's (4 someone's) MOM. and THAT is all that has to be said, girl. You will get through this!
And for GOD's sake--don't sacrifice caffeine, chocolate, or blogging...these are your sanctuaries. I tell myself, I don't mind my body right now, I have years after the kids are gone to try and lose a little weight...I got a few extra pounds from allowing these little creatures to begin their lives inside of me...that, to me is worth some chocolate/wine/cake anyday. Hang in there!

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