Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Morning After

Bub and Pie recently wrote a post about Bloggers Remorse. And the tendency for bloggers to feel embarrassed after a particularly emotional post. I think I am suffering from a touch of this condition this morning. Your comments on my post were so kind and encouraging and full of prayers and well wishes and I felt, well, foolish. What exactly is wrong with my life? My child has a virus? Being a stay at home mom can be frustrating and tiresome? I am losing the war against my waistline?. None of these seem sufficient to the emotional spewing I did yesterday.

I have always been prone to fits of depression. A condition that peaked after the births of my daughters and subsequently resulted in a prescription for what I fondly call my "happy pills". I am very open about my postpartum depression and my need for medication because I want people to know there is nothing embarrassing about seeking help.
But even beyond that, the all encompassing debilitating darkness that came at those points in my life, I fight a daily battle against a less intense despondency. What I refer to as "the melancholies". They feel a bit like gremlins, hovering in the corners of my consciousness, waiting to pounce on me with the least bit of disappointment, stress, or insecurity. I battle these critters with powerful weapons of prayer, Bible Verses (like the ones I keep on my sidebar), and encouraging friends.

And sometimes chocolate.

And this blog. That's why I named it "Joy in Chaos" because I wanted to document the joy as a constant reminder that it's always there, amid the chaos of my life. I might just have to search for it. But yesterday I succumbed, without much of a fight to the gremlins. I didn't want to feel better, I wanted to wallow. I wanted someone to identify, to sympathize with me, that my life as a stay at home mom of four is hard. And for that, that public self-indulgent whine-fest, I apologize.

So will I now cover up my post with something frantically witty? Or as Bub puts it "off-the-cuff compensatory silliness?" Oh I don't know. I don't do funny well. I wish I did, I am terribly envious of writers that do comedy well because my life provides such great material. But I am not one of them. And I don't think silliness is in me today. I haven't come that far.

So instead I think I will leave you with this. This photo tribute to why I really shouldn't spend so much time blogging and what my little ones find to occupy themselves while I do.

I hope these made you smile. Thanks for being such great friends.
Afterthoughts: If you are wondering why Ben seems to always be in underwear in his pictures lately it's because if the potty-training war we have going on. And Clara is still sick, but slept until 9:30 this morning allowing me time to type this blog. Yay.


spaz said...

Do not feel embarrassed! You verbalize what the rest of us are feeling. You make me feel normal. Like I am not alone. What you said resonates with me. I am thankful for you and your heart!

painted maypole said...

We ALL have those days when we just want someone to stop and go... "it's OK. It's hard. You're a good person" and it's OK to have those days here in blogland. Look, if anyone understands, it's us bloggers, the ones who ALSO are spewing are emotional whatsits out into the universe via our blogs.

Oh.. .I used to do that to the couch cushions. I LOVED that feeling of sitting right there on the springs. Why is that so cool? it just was.

Christine said...

wjen once told me it was ok to be sad and down about those everyday gremlin type blues as long as we don't stay there. you know, be sad, down, own it, but pull up and out with the help of God, friends, doctors, whatever. wise words, i think.

take care, love.

slouching mom said...

Christine said what I would have. Only she's nicer. ;)

It's your space. And it's not wallowing. Everyone's down sometimes, and there's no shame in it. It's part of the human condition.

slouching mom said...

Oh, and adorable photos of adorable children!

bubandpie said...

Oh, that plaid tank top!!!

I have days when it feels as if all my skin has peeled off - I'm just raw and quivering and horrible. I'm grateful that I don't usually have more than two in a row.

We get it, you know. We really do.

Lori said...

I love it when I read something that strikes me as truly *real* on someone's blog. And unfortunately, we are the most true to ourselves when we are feeling vulnerable and down. I appreciate your willingness to share the range of your life experiences in that way. Sometimes I think I make life around our house sound a little too smooth! I need to think about posting something *real* soon!!

Loved the pics!! And I love moms who let their kids dismantle the couch!! What fun!!

Kyla said...

No need for embarrassment. Kvetching is good for the soul. We don't mind at all. In fact, we all do it. Some days are just hard, for a multitude of reasons. The reasons don't matter really, we just need an extra dose of support regardless of the whys.

Michelle said...

Don't feel bad about yesterday's post. It was beautiful in its honesty. Besides, all of that cuteness with the Q-tips has the power to put a smile on the end of any sort of day : )

thirtysomething said...

These are priceless. Hope Baby is feeling better.
And for what it is worth, I resonate with reading when someone else is having a rough time..makes me feel more like it will all wash out in the end,a nd I am not the only one.
Thanks for allowing the vulnerability to show. If we can't do that here, with our Blog friends, then what good is a blog, I ask? Life happens. Things are not always perfect...Thank God.