Monday, May 26, 2008

Insomnia

It's 2:25. I am going to get 5 hours of sleep. Maybe I can get a nap tomorrow. But I was supposed to clean tomorrow. Goodness I hate cleaning. Hate it. I wish I wasn't such a slob. My house is always such an embarrassment. I don't know how The Man puts up with it. I really should do better by him. He works so hard. I am going to do better. No nap tomorrow.

Beck's kids have the chicken pox. The chicken pox. I remember them. Calamine Lotion. Itching. It smelled weird. I have a scar by my eye from the chicken pox. I am so glad my kids haven't had them. I am awful with sick kids. And vomit. I can't believe Brandon's friend threw up in the basement. He's sixteen. I wonder if they were drinking. Surely not. But why did he throw up in my basement? He's sixteen. Shouldn't he make it to the toilet. I think my loathing of vomit is worse than the average mother's.

It's 2:35. Grrrr, I should not drink coffee in the afternoon. When will I ever learn? Why can't women and men have the same sex drive? What is up with that? I would like to ask God about that. My weight is out of control. It's so embarrassing. I feel like I am wearing a "Look who got fat" sign every time I walk in the room. I know people are talking about it. Why do I care? Why can't I make myself do something about it? It's affecting my health. I can tell. I keep trying to hide that. I wonder if it is a sin to be overweight. I am pretty sure they don't address that in the Bible. Laziness is a sin though. Praying about my weight feels vain and frivolous. I wonder if that's something He even cares about. I do pray for more self-control and discipline in all areas.

Christine commented on my blog today. I wonder if that means she's feeling better. I worry about her. I miss Allison. She's coming home tomorrow. She will be twelve soon. Twelve was the worst year of my life. Hands down. It won't be for her though. She's such an odd duck of a kid. I never met a kid who was so at home with their personality. Even though she's different than most other kids. I wonder if Taylor is outgrowing her. She seems so mature. Allison's eczema is getting bad. I wish she would do better about putting her lotion on. I guess she will when she cares. Is it time for her to start shaving her legs? When did I start shaving my legs? I wish I could sleep.

It's 2:45. I took two sleeping pills. And a Lortab. I love Lortab. It's a good thing it's not available over the counter. I wonder where the new cat is. Maybe he's missing Allison too. I love Lois Lowry. Maybe I should get up and finish The Messenger. I ate three brownies this evening. Three. UG. Maybe I will get up and just blog everything I am thinking. I wonder if anyone would actually read that. I wonder if I would even be interested to read it in the future. My blog is so self-indulgent. My relatives must think I am a total narcissist. I guess it's kind of true. An approval seeker. I wonder if I am ever going to grow out of that. Oprah says you do when you are forty. Why does everyone think Oprah knows all the answers? Why do I even watch Oprah? I am such a drone.

I was a little whiny today. Damn headaches. Not too bad I guess. Oh good gracious. This is ridiculous. I am going to try to sleep again. It's 2:55. Definitely a nap tomorrow.

9 comments:

flutter said...

sounds like you need a massage, girl. You have too much on your mind

Llama Momma said...

Girl, you need a nap today! And a deep breath! Love the trail of thoughts...so random and real.

Marit said...

Sigh of relief, thank God I'm not the only one that feels this way sometimes!

Kyla said...

Hey, how did you get in my head (some of it anyway)? LOL.

Christine said...

this made me cry, joy. not only because in all the chaos that is insomnia your kind heart thought of me. i hope you're ok, friend. take a deep breathe and know that you are loved--by so, so many.

and you are NOT self indulgent. and you are NOT fat. you are beautiful--head to toe.

(ps vomit is hard for me to deal with too!!!)

painted maypole said...

oh, I've had those nights.

Lynn Stallworth said...

Okay, I remember that weird chicken pox smell, too. Yuck! And throw-up, forget it. I can't clean my own kids, much less some 16 y.o. stranger's vomit. That's just nasty. If God happens to enlighten you on the sex drive thing, let me know-mine disappeared after having the twins. Maybe it will come out of hiding when they leave home, who knows! Taylor is definitely not outgrowing Allison. Maybe her britches sometimes, but not her Allie! Oh, and Taylor started shaving her legs about a year ago-so around age 12. And the armpits, too. Have to raise those arms a lot in ballet. And darn you, Joy, when are you going to learn your family loves you just the way you are. I wouldn't change the way a single hair parts on your head. You're special because you're you! Hope you got that nap! I was planning on having one myself, but found myself playing in the pool with Taylor instead.

Beck said...

You know, I feel like I'm wearing the Look Who Got Fat sign, too. It's kind of poopy.

Don't worry about us. We're all on the mend. My bad, scabby kids are blowing bubbles in the bathroom right now. Now have a nap.

Lisa writes... said...

This post makes me laugh, not the ha ha kind of laugh, but the uncomfortable giggle of one who has so BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

I admire your honesty. That you posted this (and left it) makes me admire you all the more.